Friday, October 21, 2005

unexplained, uncontrolable sobbing

When I was pregnant with each of my two sons, I would often find myself crying. Generally there was a reason, even if it was only a TV commercial, and when you're pregnant a commercial is reason enough to cry. Very rarely would I cry without a discernable reason, and when this happenned, a few deep, calming, breaths would equal no more tears. Lately I have found myself crying alot, often when I am alone or can be percieved as being alone(the boys are sleeping/upstairs while I am downstairs, or I am in the bath or in my room, by myself.) There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to this. I can be reading, watching TV, cleaning, folding laundry, trying to sleep, or doing nothing at all. If I am thinking about something sad or upsetting, I can explain it. If I am reading something sad, upsetting, heartwarming, endearing, sweet, whatever... I can deal with it. This is just...I start crying. I realize I am crying. I try to stop. It gets worse. I take deep breaths, with each exhale, I go from crying to sobbing. I realize there is no reason for me to be carrying on like this, and it gets even worse. If someone comes into the room, I can generally stop then, and if not, they chalk it up to me being preggers. If I start crying while someone is in the room, it stops itself before I even really notice. I am rather upset about this, I don't understand really, and I am strongly thinking about talking to my doctor about it. I am afraid that he will tell me it is just hormones, while simultaniously hoping he tells me it's just my hormones. As much as I hate the hormone excuse, it is somewhat valid, and it means that there isn't anything wrong with me. I am afraid, at the same time, that there will be something wrong with me. I have children and a husband to take care of. I need to be strong for them, they need to see that I can handle anything that life throws at me. Otherwise I will be shelterred. No one wants to upset the pregnant woman, no one wants to hurt the feelings of the pregnant woman, no one wants to be the cause of the pregnant woman over extending/over exerting herself. If I am not strong for my family, they will crumble. The boys rely on me to be Mommy. Mommy is damn near to God as far as they are concerned. Hubby works damn hard so that I can stay home with the boys, raising them, and seeing that we have everything that we need. I can talk to him about things that are upsetting me, but he is a "fixer". If something is wrong, he wants to fix it, to make it all better, to be Prince Valliant, the Hero. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know how to fix it, I do not even know if anything needs to be fixed in the first place.

I slept in this morning. I didn't get my hour to myself. I feel out of sorts because of it. Maybe this is contributing. I do not know, but, please, do not let this be a sign of things to come.


Mom the Hipple said...

I would cry over the AT&T "Reach Out and Touch Someone" commercials and I wasn't even pregnant. The women in this family cry at the drop of a hat, we feel sorry for the hat.

Think of it this way: the more you cry the less chance you will pee your pants when you sneeze.

Crystal said...

If I am not strong for my family, they will crumble.

This kind of attitude will get you into big-time trouble. It's true to the extent that things would become somewhat chaotic if you couldn't do laundry and put food ont the table, but your family will not "crumble" if you are not strong. Think about what that would imply; it would imply that your boys, your husband, your family, are inherently not strong themselves. You know that's not true.

Perhaps some of the crying could be due to the stress of *feeling* like your family would crumble if you are not strong.

Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to reach out for help. Take a day or two off if you need to.

And be sure to reach out for help the moment you fear for your mental health. Be wary of post-partum depression. You're not typically prone to depression (as far as I know), but those pregnancy hormones can do funny things.

I'm here for you any time you need to talk.

Hw2K said...

I love my family! Not only are my boys and Hubby strong, but sometimes I forget how strong Mom and Crystal are as well. Thanks for being there last night, Crys, and sorry if I freaked you out at all. I am doing much better now.