Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Tylonol 3 with codiene!

I hurt.
When I was younger I ground my teeth when I slept, a lot. I recently started doing it again. I lost a part of a filling because of it. Now my mouth hurts. My cheek is swollen, and I can feel pain all the way through my jawbome. Due to a paperwork snafu, I will not hve dental insurance until the first of the month-friday. Until then-I can deal with the pain, or I can take my Tylonol 3 with codiene. I have opted for the drugs-no, my mouth hurts and I am loopy and tired. The mother in law is home all week-taking a paid vacation from work while the father in law is at scout camp, I am actually glad for this. This means I can take my pain pills during the day if needed, and she can help with the boys. Also, if need be, she or the bro in law canhelp with driving. I am rapidly becomeing incoherant-so I will go to bed now. I had to try really hard to type this, and had to rewrite some words too many times. Well-till next time


Sunday, June 26, 2005

oppisite of writer's block?

I have starting working on my...whatever it will end up being. I am finding that instead of writers block I am having, I don't know, writer's flow? All of a sudden, now that I have decided on what to write, it just keeps coming. I cannot type or write fast enough to get all the thoughts down.Might have to get a tape recorder and make transcripts to copy at a later point in time. Currently, I think I am just goig to let it come, put it on paper as a rough draft, and do some editing when I type it in to save it to dosc. Once I have more to hammer out, I will be looking for some people to read it for me, to get their oppinions..Any volunteers?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

writing stories

I have started, and deleted, the beginnings of my story/novel/work-of-fiction/chicklit/whatever it ends up being/ numerous times. I think the problem is that I keep trying for a particular genre each starting, and it never ends up that way. I am pretty sure that I understand why. One of te first things that any write will tell you is "Write what you know." Up till now, I have avoided doing that. I have a fairly weird family and extended family-including my in-laws, notoriously bad relations with my dad and step-mom, and a string of bad rellationships(including a marriage) that went on for too long, before I had kids, settled down, and got married-in that order. I have felt that if I write what I know, even if I turn it into "fiction", too many people close to me will recognize themselves, and be hurt or upset. Just recently, I came to a conclusion-Fuck IT!! If my friends and family and ex friends and ex family recognize themselves in my writing(if it ever gets published) and become upset by what they read, I hope they realize a few things.
Some Key Points
1) It is essentially a work of fiction, with my real life experiences used as references, some characters will be made of more than a single persons personality traits, and others will be exagerated, as I see fit.
2) Maybe if you are unhappy with how you feel your character was portrayed, you need to look at how I may see you, and why I see you that way, or if the character is even based on you in the first place.
3) if you are my dad, than yeah-I am pissed at you, and If given half a chance, will pro'lly make you into a pathetic dried up person, or a monster, or just leave you the way you are, and tell you everything I ever wanted to say to you but didn't have the guts, and hope you recognize yourself.
4) Once again, this will essentially be FICTION-fiction is false, entertaining, and not holden to reality-just because a character in my book is the sister of the narrator, does not mean she is my sister, and the narrator is not necessarily me.
5) if there is a crazy hat woman, she may or may not be based loosely on my mom
6) If the narrators or main characters relationships come into play-I will prolly make them much more numerous and scandalous than my relations have ever been, to make for better reading
7) I am not a monkey, this is not a type writer, this will not be shakespeare

Monday, June 20, 2005

birthday party hangover

Bigguy, who turns 4 on thursday, had his party on sunday. Many hours sat in the sun, talking, laughing, playing...I am so tired, and I have a slow burn. That's the sunburn that shows up a few hours after you've gotten out of the sun. The burn that only stays a little bit pink, before it fades to a tan, but still hurts like a sunbirn for a few days after. Cake, food, presents, friends-It was great. bigguy was his normal commical self, littleman slept for large amounts of time, too much heat and excitement, and the Mother-in-Law sent out an annoyed vibe. She is pleased that we are moving, but pissed that we are not buying right off the bat. She is just not understanding that as much as we would like to buy a house of our own, it isn't yet possible. Five weeks and five days till we move-then I have a dishwasher, my own kitchen, and my own space again.
Is it wrong that I fantasize about cooking?

Friday, June 17, 2005


I had a dream last night about my blog, maybe it was my subconcious telling me I needed to post more, or at least finish the posts I've started. Back to the dream in a minute. I haven't posted anything since we got the townhome, because as happy as I have been, all the posts I've started have been damn depressing. The nice thing about my blog is that it is mine. I can say anything I want here, and it's cool, I can say things that I normally wouldn't have the guts to say to family, and the get the idea, because some of my family reads this. I can just open up and let things flow. Sometimes, however, a writer doesn't always control what is flowing on any given day, and lately my mind has been very occupied with my dad. I tried very hard for many years to convince myself that Defunct-Dad couldn't possibly be as bad as all that, that it had to be Evil-Step-Mom's fault. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my dad is a human, and given to free will. He willfully dropped out of my life when I was 16, taking a moment every few years to pop back in and make me confused untill my first son was born. All of a sudden, there were grandchildren! We have to make things work for the kids! You know what-fuck that!!! 16 is still a kid, I was a kid when he ran away with the navy after the divorce, I was a kid when I needed him and he wasn't there, I was a kid when he started letting Evil-Step-Mom have a decission in my time with him, and it has impacted more of my life than I ever realized. Lately it's just all boiled to the surface, and if I don't get it out somewhere, I will temporarily cease to function, but at the same time, I do not need to dump it all on you, my readers. I have gotten most of it out, and th last few bits, I have saved for him, because it is not right that he go through life not realizing how his actions affect his only biological daughter.

Now back to the "Blog Dream"
I dreamt that I woke up, and went to make a post. Before I posted, I want and looked back through the previous posts, and found that I had a HUGE underground cult-like following that sprang up between 7pm and midnight. All of a sudden I had somewhere near 75 comments to every post, and people e-mailing me left and right, and it was scary overwhelming. The odd part, was that the people leaving comments were all leaving good, nice things-no snarking, no being an asshat, just good helpful encouraging things.
When I actually woke up-i realized it was a dream, and reumed my normal housewife life-but it was pretty neat.

Monday, June 13, 2005


every now and then, time moves so quickly!

In a week and a half, Bigguy turns four. It doesn't seem like four years since he has been born, yet it was June 23, 2001, just before midnight, that he made his appearance in this world. Bugguy is very intelligent and likes to use big words, like vehicles and edible, instead of saying cars and trucks and planes, and can be eaten. I worry that as he grows older he will lose some of his properrnes and nit-pickyness that seems so unique right now. He also has a very refined pallat. He likes bleu cheese, and greek food, all vegetables, thai food, and had junior sushi last night(no fish or wasabi, but Eda Mame, egg custard, sea weed...he liked it.) He loves jazz music, word games, dancing, and moving his body to his emotions, ("Momma, this is how happy looks, this is how angry walks, this is how silly wiggles...See Momma, my body moves with my feelings and emotions, Here is confused, this is hungry...") I want him to be this innocent and open forever, I never want him to be ridiculed for being who he is, even if that person is rather different, and kind of obbsesive compulsive about very random seeming things. I want him to remain the boy who gets excited to the point of giggling when he figures out how something works. I want him to keep the drive that makes him figure out how things work in the first place.
"Look, Momma! The wheels on the train have a long rod that connects them at different places, that's how the wheels all go at the same speed so the train doesn't trip!"
"Poppa, I made your computer so it can run two things at once!"(a very exciting revalation for Bigguy)
"Momma, Littleman has teeth, so now he can start eating some food like me, and I can share with him, because his teeth will help him chew!"
the down side to having such an intelligent, sensitive, perceptive child is evident as well...
"Momma, are you sad because grandpa and grandma step-mom didn't call again."
"Momma, I have grandparents, how come you don't-do you miss them?"
"Poppa, where is your poppa, and how come we don't have pictures?"
"Poppa, will momma's daddy not be at my birthday again, like last year?"
How do I explain this to him, that we don't know who hubby's dad is, that my dad and step-mom are being pricks right now, and unfortunately, he got drawn into it, that eventually, grandparents die? I want him to hold on to his innocense for as long a possible, but at the same time, he will have to make and find his own truths in the world, and with that, the inocense andchild like sense of wonder can be lost.

Friday, June 10, 2005


I wake up to feed Littleman at about 6:30 am, I would never have known it was morning, but I looked at the clock. Went back to sleep until I had to wake up to take Hubby to work, once again, I wouldn't have known it was morning unless the alarm went off. It is so bleak and gray outside right now, it's kind of depressing. I feel bad for all the kids who are having their first day of summer break.
"Hey, wanna go outside?"
"Hey, wanna go to the beach?"
"Dude, my folks are gone, yiou should walk over!"
it doesn't matter the request, if the person being asked cannot drive, the answer will be an universal "Hell no, it's dark out, and raining buckets! What makes you think I want to go out in this?!"
Bigguy hasbeen playing outside a lot lately, as almost 4 year old boys are wont to do. He will be angry today, because he cannot play in the rain, and with how hard it's coming down, once the rain stops, it'll be aufully muddy to play outside. I know, what sort of mother am I who won't let her kid play outside in the rain and mud? It's part of growing up! It's fun to splash in puddles and get your hands and feet all muddy! I don't argue that, but I just imposed a 1 bath a day policy for Bigguy, unless something out of his control requires him to need more. Given the chance, Bigguy will spend hours in the tub, and I just don't need him to wrinkle away to nothing.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

housing update

as of yet(10:30am), we still do not have an answer, however, I talked with the Manager, and her notes are showing that all they are waiting on is a landlord reference...she said she didn't know if it was a currant or past reference they are waiting on, I tild her that our current landlord has not been contacted yet, at all. She was very suprised by this, and is calling the reference checking people to find out what is going on. She is going to try to have an answer for us by the end of the day. She also said that even though three to five days is the everage, they can sometimes take up to ten bisiness days to get the info back. I stated that that was all fine and dandy, but if all the references haven't even been checked yet, that is going to hamper the time it takes to get a turnoaround done. I also let her know that we cannot make any plans untill we know what is going on-we cannot even give notice untill we know if we are acepted o not. She let me know that wether she finds anything out today or not, I will hear back from her today with an update. Also if all they are waiting on is one reference, we pro'lly will get the approval....More as I know what is up

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I know I said I wouldn't let them piss me off

I was not going to let my dad and step-mom piss me off this summer. WAS NOT GONNA DO IT!!!!! and damnit, they did. I am checking my e-mail this morning, and get a message from them about the older of my two younger brothers graduation and grad party. I was invited, over the phone, and thru the e-mail to his grad party, that's fine-pro'lly won't make it, but at least they tried, right? Then I open the pictures. My step-sister, her husband, and their two kids are there. Ya know, Dad and step-mom are always talking about inclusiveness, how we have to be a family, how they want Hubby, me and the boys to make them a part of our lives, how we have to put in more of an effort. Bull shit! If they could invite some of their kids, why not all of them. The didn't even tell me my brother was graduating this weekend!! I am proud of him, he did an amazing job, graduated at the top of his class, lots of honors and extra curriculars, what if I wanted to at least call him to say congrats. What if I wanted to send him a card. What if I wanted to be there. Step-mom's daughter and son in law and grandkids live in Savage, that is an almost two hour drive. I live in the cities, forty-five minutes away. They say they feel hurt when they are excluded, that it hurts them not to know what's going on. What? It doesn't work both ways? I'm not supposed to be hurt when someone I am related to by blood has his biggest moment in his life so far and I don't know? Hubby always says that I need to let go, close the book on their chapter in my life 'cause all it does is cause me pain. As much as I hate to admit it, he may be right. I cannot take any more of this.

Monday, June 06, 2005

I am furious over this!!!

The supreme court has made an horrible ruling about medical marijuanna. Esentially, they are saying that the fedural regulations involving the use of doctored prescribed marijuanna are to be upheld. That means that any marijuanna use is illegal-period. Now, I feel that pot should be legalized across the board, and barring that, it should be allowed for medical reasons. I know so many people who would benifet from the pain relief, the increase in appetite, and the relaxation that one recives from the occasional toke. Most candidates for medical marijuana are terminal cases who have tried other recourses to no avail. They have chronic, daily pain the likes of which we can only imagine, and just want to live out the rest of their lives relatively pain free and happy. Call your elected officials, let them this is wrong let them know that we will not stand for this. We need to fight for what we believe in, for what is right and for what is good. The entire idea that marijuanna is wrong and harmfull is incorrect to begin with, but to deny these people their last chance for a comfortable life, where they can enjoy what time they have left with friends and family, as opposed to being sick and in pain, is just evil.


Hubby is amazing. He works his ass off every day for me and the boys, loves that I am a stay-at-home mom, and makes sure that I have enough for whatever I need and a large part of what I want. He is also very supportive of all my various endevors. Now, I will be honest, he is not perfect all the time, neither am I. We argue, we disagree, we stress out, then we talk and compromise. We have a very good functional marriage. Back to the support thing. I really had no question in my mind, that when I said "Honey, I want to write a book", that he would support me. All he has to do isbe there, read my work if I let him, give input if he feels brave, and be there when I twit out with writers block. There would be NO financial output fo him untill it came time to send out copies to see if it could get published. That might never happen, then again it could happen next month. Either way, He has nothing to lose. I spoke with him about my craftwork (knit, crochet, quilting, needlepoint/embroidery, etc..). I explained to him that I would like to put various peices together, some traditional, some modern, some "geeky" (a term he understands, being he knows my projects, the geeky catagory covers the working of video game, anime and comic characters into a peice), and then hit craft shows, flea markets, and "cons" to see what sells, for what price, and narrow it down from there. Hubby thought it was a fabulous idea, and said that of course he would support me, just not to take it too fast. Then he asked where I would get the money! I was sputterring trying to get out that I was hoping he would front the money being that I don't work outside the house really!!! He started roaring with laughter. "Of course I will give you what you need to start this, Honey, I think you do fabulous work, and I believe in you, and if it doesn't work out, we will have plenty of blankies and such. But...I know you will do wonderfully at this, like you do at everything else."

I am so lucky I have him for my husband. I am so blessed that our children will grow up seeing a man treat a woman like this, with love and respect and support. Right now I have such a sense of calm and well being. Life is good.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

still waiting

Still haven't heard anyhting back from the townhomes. I wish I would've heard anything on friday good or bad, so I wouldn't have to sit thru the entire weekend wondering. Part of me is looking at it from the stance of "every day we don't hear back something negative, is a good thing" but then I also know that they haven't called to check references with our landlord yet. How do I know this? My landlord is my father in law, whose bedroom is right next to mine-he would've told me if a call about the place happened to come in in the little bit of time that I am gone. Then again, they might jst decide to go off of reporting. Really, as long as Hubby is working,which he is, and we don't have horrid credit, which we don't, it should be fine. In the mean time, I just get to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Well, twiddle my thumbs and clean my room. I really need to maintain instead of just do one big ass cleaning every now and then, but sometimes it feels so futile while all our stuff is in our room. I will be soooo happy when we are out of here. Hybby has been checking out other areas we could rent in if we don't get approved, but even if we do get approved, we will not be moving untill august. If we don't get the approval, we will have to do the whole application and waiting and deposit thing all over agin, and might have to wait untill september-gaaaarrrrgggghhhhh. Okay-I feel better now.

Friday, June 03, 2005

prolific vs prophylactic

I stated to an acquaintance the other day that I had been very prolific, lately, on my blog. Her response was rather startled
"You can do that!?!?"
"Ummm, yeah, why not?"
"But how the hell does that work, are you staying up later than Hubby, Is that what's going on?"
"Well, no, I've been doing it during the day, while h's at work, and the boys are resting, why?"
"Wait a minute...are you having an affair?"
"What The F!@#, Woman, are you talking about!!!I neither have the time nor the inclination to have an affair, how doyou get this sh!@ from me being prolific!!!!???"
"OH...Nevermind, I thought you said something else."
How do you even get that I would...ARGGHHHH, let's back this up and you can explain."
"Well, I thought you said prophylactic, and was wondering how your blog was keeping you from getting preggers, and then figured you must have said something other than blog. It never dawned on me that the word I misheard was prolific. I'm sorry."
After I quit laughing insanely, and appologised for said laughter, we continued with are regularly scheduled programming. What really made the entire ordeal that much more comical to me, was that she didn't know that prolific was also another word for fertile, and taken in that context was just too much.
hehehe, prolific

Thursday, June 02, 2005

due to the number of calls...

In the last two hours, I have recieved numerous calls from family and friends asking if we've heard anything back on the Townhome yet. No we have not. When we do I will call people to let them know, and also post it here. Please-If you don't know that your number is programmed into my phones caller id,or know that Iknow the number you are calling fropm by heart-don't call. Everytime an unrecognized number pops up, my heart gets all flutterry wonderring if this will be the call letting me know what will be going on. Two to five days feels like forever, and are they talking two to five business days including the day we dropped off the application, or starting the day after. If it is two to five days starting the day after, we are on day2, starting the same day, we are on day 3. One way or the other I will know by Tuesday, but to quote Bigguy "I wanna know, now!!"

On to a completely different topic.

The baby is napping in the crib, Bigguy just came in from playing in the sprinkler attached to his slide. Outside the world smallsfresh, happy somehow. Birds are chirping out the window, the cat is pissed,and te dogs are subdued after a long mornings play. I am sitting at my computer, blogging, while thinking about the mound of housework that needs to be done. My reasonings are flawed. Who is going to spend a day like today cleaning? Who wants to be surrounded by dirty laundry and floors when the world is waking up and putting on it's summer clothes? At least, at the computer I can look outside the windows, see the sky, the grass, and the neighbors removing the flowers from their Lilac bushes, they don't want to aggrivate Bigguy. For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel at peace in this house, nestled away in the corner of my boys room, listening to one sleep, the other play. I am a mommy, and it feels good, right, natural. I am a mommy who isn't doing laundry, who made today's dinner last night, who plans on eating off of disposable just for today, so that we may, as a family, when Hubby gets off from work, enjoy the promise of summer. Fresh smells, fresh fruit, fresh beginings.. My sons learninghow to crawl or read, how to feed themselves or help make dinner, how to talk or know that it's okay to speak your mind if done with respect, how to be kids in a society that forces children to grow up too fast. This summer will be one filled with trips to the drive-in, walks to Dairy Queen, and days spent at the park with a picnic lunch. This summer will be hubby and my first summer married, Littleman's first summer ever, and Bigguys first summer completely out of daipers.
It will be good

just stuff

She's home from work again, how she keeps her job is anybodies guess. Hell, how she satys alive is anyones guess, too, being as her various health issues all seem to be valid and add up pretty quick! Ahh, ince we get accepted somewhere and move out of here, it'll be up to me when I deal with the In-Law, if she calls to have me come on by, I can always say no!!!
I realized this morning that my children are growing up. Now I know that this happens, I understand that we all start as babies, and grow into adult hood, but it is sometimes overwhelming to see the process from the start. LittleMan, almost eight months, is crawling, sitting up, and starting to feed himself, not neatly mind you, but the food goes in the mouth, and he is starting to hold his own bottle. Bigguy, almost 4, is on his forth night in a row of sleeping in underwear and waking up dry. He has been waking up with dry pants for longer than this, but we used to put him in pullups at night, he wasn't to great at holding till morning or waking himself up. He is also making his own PB&J sandwiches if I let him, and even though he claims he cannot read yet, we will find him almost every night, laying in bed with the light on after lights out, looking at a book, which he tells me about in full detail the next morning, just like his Poppa does.
I knew that oneday they would need me less and less, it is sad that it happens this soon, of course, new needs will crop up as they get older.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

let the waiting commence

I dropped off the application last night. They changed their app process a little since we picked it up, so we had to fill out an extra form, and have the app fee and pre-lease depostit in money order form. My worries about getting accepted dwindle by the day. It is a renters market right now, property managers are desperate to fill vacancies. Add on top of this, both the managers at the townhome are women, both have a crush on a good friend that lives there and both know I am married with kids, all this equals no threat and an "in" with my friend. Hey, I'll admit that if this is the deciiding factor in us getting accepted-more power to them. What people need to realize, is even after forking over cash for the privelage of some stranger doing a complete background check on you, it ultimately comes down to the managers discretion on if you rent there. If you are renting from a large nameless faceless corporation, you don't have as much leiniency, because the prop manager is going to have a few higher ups setting the rules, but even then the prop manager can still make a case for the axe wielding puppy killer to get accepted, 'cause his moneys good and they have too many vacancies. In a smaller situation, where there are only a few properties owned by someone, and they hire managers for each property-the manager is King!! As long as they don't have too many non-payers-it's all good. Ultimately there is the privately held property. This is the situation that always cracks me up. They will generally charge much less for a background check, and most people don't think they even doone other than to call key references(being the references that will tell you they were called.)
The commical thing about all this, which is what I orriginaly intended to tell, was that when I dropped of the first set off forms, and the asst mgr was in, I was told Three to five days befor we heard back, after the main mgr met me and the boys, verified my marital status and freindship with crushboy, I was assured that I would be hearing in 2-3 days. Yeah, managerial discression at work!