Friday, January 14, 2005

Past, Present, and Future Self

I used to think that my family felt I was incredibly dumb. I was always concerned with what they thought. Then one day I realized thatI just wasn't a good conversationalist. I'm still not-I have problems sticking to the point, I over explain, and I have problems differentiating important details from minor ones. However this isn't an issue while reading and writing.(ok-I wander while I write here, but not when I write stories or letters) I don't knowwhy this is-My mom and Sister are very good conversationalists, good story tellers, good at relaying the information. Maybe it is something I aquired from defunct-dad or is a byproduct of how I grew up. Now I think it's from being around children all day every day. You must explain EVERYTHING to a toddler, you must be very specific, very exact and cover it all.
I also used to be very concerned with what others thought about me. I always said I didn't care, but honestly I think we all do. Now I am much less concerned with the opinions of others. They are not me. They didn't live my life. They didn't have to make the choices I did. If they don't like me-they don't have to deal with me. I need to like me, I have no choice BUT to deal with me.
I did some really, really stupid things in my misspent youth. Some of them hurt people unneccesarily, made people think less of me, made me think less of me, and worst of all, hurt those I loved. I cannot do anything about what the past me did, but make sure the present my doesn't make the same errors and hope the future me will unferstand better why I did what I did.
The past me hurt my mom, not physically, but still hurt. The present me fears she will never fully forgive me for being a problematic person.
The past me had major commitment issues, some moral issues, issues. The present me still has some issues, but I have been sharing them with the same person for over four years now and the future me plans on sharing them with the same person.
The past me used to run away. Not in the little kid "I don't like you any more" sense, but in the "I'm an adult and don't want to be here, be responsible, be around myself" sense. I would just get in the ar and drive until I stopped and stay with friends in a different city, county, state untill I was ready to deal or had no choice but to go back. The present me realizes that I have responsibilities, and running if I get overwhelmed will only make them worse. maybe the future me won't get overwhelmed?
The past me was scared. Scared of so much. Family, failure, love as opposed to lust, pain, the absence of pain, not liking myself. I am still scared-but it is differrent. I am scared of what the future may hold for my children, what sort of society I will be unleashing them on as adults. I am scared of my Mom dieing and never really knowing how much she meant to me-even if I don't always agree with everything she did-how strong she was. I am scared of Defunct-dad not knowing how much he truely hurt me-spending the rest of his exsistance thinking it was okay to leave my life for years at a time-but I fear telling him this as well. I fear my children will treat me when they are in their teens the way I treated Mom. I am scared that I am not immortal.
The future me maybe will not be scared, will have better ways of dealing, will be more elloquent in conversations, will be more educated, will be braver, stronger, nicer, more fair, more stable.

The future me will be what I make her. Just like the present me is what my past made me.
I cannot change the past
I cannot predict the future
I can only deal with the present
I am only me

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

nothing to do with Defunct-dad

All my boys are sick =( Littleman just got over ear infections, bigguy just got diagnosede with ear infections and hubby's at the Dr right now(sinus issues and possible-yep, you guessed right-ear infection) This sucks. I've come to the conclusion that when you become a mom you dodn't get sick, your body realizes you don't have the time. This frightens me however. Mom-who never got sick when we were little-or if she did it was on;y on the weekends when Spacey or myself were gone or were old enough to take care of her-is really ill right now. She has The Flu!! Mom doesn't even sound like herself on the phone. She and I discussed the mommy immune system and she agrees with me, but does that mean if we were all younger she wouldn't be as ill?? I sometimes feel like shit-but the only time I have been really sick sinced Bigguy has been born was when I was pregnant with Littleman and got the flu-and we were in a possition then where I had plenty of day to day help-Hubby, bro-in-law and the rest of the in-laws all at my fingertips and really mad if I violated dr's orders. Oh well-not getting sick is a deffinate good thing!

Friday, January 07, 2005


I have been reading thru my old posts, andan, am I long winded! I think it's because this is one of the only places I can really vent.
Dealing with the Defunct dad and Evil step-mom recently stressed me out so much, I was physically ill. I know that it's nnot right. I should just tell DD and ESM that I'm not going to do this any more, but I can't. I know ESM only has a few years left because of her health-and if I cut thungs off with them-I cut them offfor me brothers and sons. I don't think that is fair. It's not fair how they just up and quit talking to me one day either. I don't know what to do and Hubby's not much help-he doesn't like them. What drives a parent to disavow their child??

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


There's been a lot of talk on the airwaves recently about "Maternal Guilt". Basically what this says is that no matter what you decide to do as a mother, work, stay home, go to school, work part-time, put your kids in daycare etc etc are going to feel guilty. This sucks when you think about it, there es no way to win. I often have guilt- do I do enough around the house? Do my kids get enough individual attention? Do they get to much attention? These arwe NORMAL feelings. Sometimes I feel bad about my 10 minute shower feeling so good and wishing I took ten more minutes, then I feel bad about that. Every weekend I have guilt because Hey-I don't get days off work, hubby, you do, so take the kids for a while when you are supposed to be unwinding. I feel bad that I don't contribute financially-so things are pretty tight sometimes. HOWEVER, I realize that if I were working I would still have most of these problems, even less time to ddeal with them in, and any money I made would be paying for daycare, so someone else could raise my kids for me.
I think this whole concept is rediculous! Fathers have plenty of guilt but you don't get books and radio shows adressing that. Hubby works an average of 45 hours a week-oftentimes more, he only spends time with the boys when he gets home from work and all parties involved are tired and cranky, and on the weekends-his supposed days off, when he has housework he does plus any time we visit people come out of his weekend time. If the boys are sick and he wants to help out, we lose money or use PTO and lose vacation time. If he wants time to himself to unwind HE feels guilt because when do I get time to my self. Fathers have just as much guilt as mothers.
Here's the real deal as I see it. Parents have guilt. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, it's constant trial and error. You will never truly know how good a job you did raising your kids. No one ever has enough time to do what they want and need-children involved or not. All that making one parent or the other feel gender specific guilt will do is...Make them feel even more guilty and give them an out for feeling such. When I feel guilt I look at why and figure it out. If I'm in the shower it's necesary me time. I need to be clean and take 10 minutes to collect myself-yes-I could be doing other things, but they can wait. No I don't get a day off, but I get to witness every imprtant thing in my boys lives. Yes, hubby works hard to provide for us. At the end of the day, we are a well provided for family, not everything that we want, but everything that we need. Including strong rolemodels, the knowledge that our family loves each other, and the knowledge that my sons will understand sacrifice as they grow older. Sacrifice for ones family, hardly a sacrifice at all.

Sunday, January 02, 2005