Saturday, April 30, 2005

irrational anger

A woman in Duluth, Georgia went missing on Tuesday. Today was to be her wedding. Police called off her search untill the Fiance comes in for a polygraph test. Her family stated he had already passed a privately administered test. Because of the number of women that went missing over the last couple years that had a significant other involved in their loss, police are assuming he is involved in hers. What really upsets me about this is what if he has nothing to do with it? They are waisting time in possibly helping her over some stupid suspician that he is involved! If she dies, is raped, abused or otherwise harmed because of the forces inaction I hope it ways heavy on thier heads and hearts, and that they realize their innaction caused her pain.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

judge not lest ye be modded!

On one of the forums that I frequent under the name of HW2K, someone made a comment along the lines of" What thehell does she know about about anything?, She's a housewife, lookit her name!" What an arrogant prick! To believe that a) I am a housewife because my name states as much, fine not a far reaching assumption, because I am a housewife and stay-at home mom, but if my name was kittygiggle, would he assume I was a kitty? And b) that because I am a housewife I am either stupid, or don't follow what's going on in the world. because I am a homemaker I pay attention. I need to know what laws the idiots in congress are trying to pass that are going to affect my childrens lives. I need to know what changes they are trying to make to social security, insurance, the environment, everything. I am the one who does the budget, decides out entertainment, balences the daily tasks of raising a family with living a life.
To believe that I am an imbecile, or uneducated, or apathetic, or unskilled because I CHOOSE to raise my children is breathtakingly moronic. If we were in a possition where I had to work, I could, and could do so somewhere that requires skills other than flipping burgers and asking someone if they want fries with that. If I had the time I would read the paper the day it was delivered instead of waiting a day, so that I was not behind tha loop. If I chose to I could be paying someone rediculous amopunts of money to raise my children for me so I could get out of the house for 40 hours a week and be a productive member of society. I DON"T NEED TO. I am in a possition where I was able to decide to watch and raise my own children, help them create their morals and values, educate them, love them, play with them, witness their milestones, and know that 20 years from now, when they are doing truely amazing things with their lives, and people ask them how they did it, they will be able to say "My mom read to us nightly, played with us, encouraged and supported us and was always there"
I understand that some parents do not get the choice to stay home with their kids. My mom didn't, but she busted her ass to be there for us when we needed her. She read to us when we were little, and when we were old enough to read to ourselves, gave us suggestyions but always let us choose our own materials. She is like that now, if we need her, she is there, giving us reccomendations, but letting us pick our own things.
Anyways, back to the asshole. He made a stupid comment based off of a bad assumption, and in turn, was modderated right off the discussion. The host of the forum stated it was for gross stupidity, and that made my day. Maybe the dude will thimk twice before the next time he makes broad generalizations

Now with fruit filling!

My ex-husband is living in this state. I am not happy with this, but I also know that I can do nothing about it. I am fairly certain that he will not do anything against me, my boys, or Hubby, but I cannot be certain. It makes me uncomfortable. He has burned his bridges in everyother state he lived in, so he settled here, I can understand that, but he wouldn't have been exposed to MN in the first place if I hadn't brought him here. Ahh well, worrying about possible bad scenarios isn't going to help me any, and it is much better for me to just pretend he doesn't exist.
On a differrent note, it's been a while since we've talked about Defunct-Dad and Evil-step-mom, that is because I snapped last month and no longer play the good daughter. They wanted to see the boys, the boys were sick, Evil wasn't willing to accept that and asked why they could only see them on my schedule. Excuse me?!?! They are my boys, of course they will only be seen on my schedule, and from there it elevated to me telling my dad that untill we talked honestly about what happenned fron 16 untill now, he wasn't seeing me and the boys. I told him that I needed an honest exlanation, from him, not Evil, about why he dissappeared and never called or visited, especially when he drove past mom's every day on his way to and home from work. I told him that there was no excuse for him not calling when family members died, there was no excuse PERIOD for what he did, and untill he can give me answers, I will not be around. I also said(mor out of anger than anything else) that studies show that women who have a good relationship with a present father have more adjusted lives and relationships with men. Maybe some of the fucked up shit I went through, put myself through and didn't always enjoy wouldn't have happenned if he was there when I needed him. I speek cordially with him when he calls on his lunch breaks, and that is that. gotta feed a baby now.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

It's raining frogs!!

In Hamburg, Germany, toads are exploding! Scientists don't know why, yet, but toads are swelling to the size of a tennis ball, then POP!!!, no more toads. I find this disturbing, yet humerous.
In other news, Littleman is doing well on his nebulizer, Bigguy is AOK and Hubby's kidneys are stone free for the moment. I have decided that I am going to attempt to write the story that is runnung around in my head, if for no other reason than to get it out, and I am tuping this entire post one handed while feeding the baby! I am a multitasking queen.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Yeah, I know, fabulous post title, really grabs ya, don't it. Anyways-it's been a while since I last trecked on through here, Bigguy had Croup-that sucked, now little man has some virus that causes congestion and a lovely lobster red rash. I brought him to the doctor and the doctor said" no more monkeys..."no errr...the dr said he shows all the signs of infant asthma, so now we have him on a nebulizer every 4 hours or so during waking hours. Littleman doesn't mind much, he keeps trying to eat it, so he must like it, but Bigguy doesn't understand why Littleman get to use it and not him. I just told him he doesn't need it now. After his checkup in June when they test for allergies and asthma, he might. Hopefully moving will help, but I don't know exactly when that will be, probly by august if all goes smoothely.
Sorry to be rambling so much, sick kids don't lend themeselves to sleeping well.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Frustration and fear

I am incredibally frustrated right now. Bigguy is feeling better, but not yet 100%, so he is whiny and upset, and still generally icky. Littleman is now starting to get under the weather, and on top of that gets his six month immunizations tomorrow, so he will be a crank. Hubby is dealing with his Kidney stones and alternating between happy and hurting, and my M.I.L. has taken the whole passinve agressive thing to a whole new level/artform. Defunct-Dad and Evil-step-mom piss me off more and more daily, and right now all I want to do is go outside and scream at the top of my lungs!!!!...but i cannot. It as after ten at night, the neighbors would call the police.

I am serriously thinking about trying to write a book. I have characters running around in my head, bits and peices of monologue, diologue and narration, settings, all sorts o' litterary stuff floating around. Whenever I go to actually start writing or typing, however, I freeze. I fear that I will put hard work, time, effort, sweat, blood and tears into this piece of work, and no one will want to publish or read it. I know that this happens to people, and I understand that. But is it worth me losing sleep over to try? I have two boys and a husband, the only time I really have to myself is nap time and bedtime. would it be worse to try and fail or never try at all and not know. Mabe I won't fail, maybe I'll become a bestseller, maybe I'll get a multi book deal and a financial future for my kids out of it, but I won't know unless I try, and I am afraid to make that choice right now. What if I'm awful? what if I'm not....

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Girls night out

I had a girls night with a good friend today. It rocked! It was nice to get away from the boys and hubby for a little while and just do girl things without diapers, potty break reminders, croup and kidney stones

Friday, April 08, 2005


Google really seems to think that I like chicken!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

facing one's past self, and how that shapes the future

Hubby would one day like to have a daughter. I am of many minds on this, namely, we have two sons, three is a lot of children. We have no way of knowing if the third will be a girl, and I do not see myself having more than three. I do not want to have anymore children until we are more financially stable. And this is all under the assumption that my body will allow us to have any more children, since the two I do have are miraculous enough(I have polycystic ovary syndrome, concieving ain't supposed to be easy) However, these are not my biggest concerns. My biggest concern is that if we do have a girl, she will be just like I was.
I did many things in my youth that a very kind friend of mine terms as unfortunate, being I am not that nice, I'll call it like it was. I did many stupid ass things in my teens and very early twenties. (Mom the hipple might just blow a gasket when she reads this, sorry) I was in more than one abusive relationship, and for reasons I cannot fully fathom, I did not go to my family for help, even though they would have understood, I either rode it out under the misguided notion I could change him if I loved him enough or I went to friends. I made really poor relationship desicions, and probably threw away some really good things out of fear they would go bad, while staying with the bad in hopes it would turn good. I lied to my family and freinds about where I was and whatI was doing, snuck out, and did other things that couldv'e put my life in danger had I been with the wrong people at the wrong times. I am very lucky I was not hurt more than I was.Up until hubby, who is a very good guy, I was engaged too three different people, an married once, that lasted less than a year until the sepperation. I slept around, I cheated, I hurt people. There are times that I am amazed, and thank whatever powers that be, that I was not pregnant sooner, and that I did not contract an STD. I am lucky enough that when I did get pregnant, I had an amazingly understanding and supportive Mom and Step-dad in mom the hipple and cool jazzcat, and that I was with a man who stepped up and took responsibility willingly and gladly, and loves me and His children like no other. I am afraid that my daughter, if I ever haveone will be just like me, and I won't know how to help her make wise desicions. That she will not be as lucky as I was in having support when she finally asks, or going into therapy when she sees the problems in herself. I am afraid that any luck that I had will have been used up, and not available to her.
I am afraid that my relationship with my mom and step dad are not as good as they should be because of what I did, and I will never know. I am afraid that my daughter will not come to me for the same reasons I didn't go to Mom, stupid superficial fears. I am afraid that she will hurt me the same wa I hurt my mom. It is odd, at times, to be able to look back, and compare it to where I am now. To know that when I was twenty I had none of this, and would not have it if I was still who I was then. It is amazing to me that I have two small children dependant on me for damn near everything, and that they love me immensly and unconditionally, and to them I am the greatest thing in the world because I am Momma. I don't want to fuck this up, like I have so many things in my past. I don't want to stear them down the wrong paths. I want them tobe able to come to me with any problem because I've probably been there and done that, but I don't want them to know that I was there, did that.
I have a husband who accepts and loves me inspite of knowing all my past. I have a family who still loves me, inspite of all I have put them through. I may not have much money, a new car, a fancy house, or designer clothes and jewelry, but I am most likely the luckiest woman in the world right now. I have so much that money cannot buy. I have so uch that I didn;t think I would ever have or deserved. I have stability, family, love, accaptence, friends. Life is good now, but it was ahrd to get here, and I don't want my current or future children to feel they had to take the road I did.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

two things

1- Bigguy has croup, which makes him sound like a robotic seal. What a glorious noise to wake up to!
2- Never in my life did I think my job as HW2K would entail hand rolling almost full rolls of toilet paper. Party tip! you want it to look like you have expensive, luxurious, and plush T.P. completely unwind a roll than rewind it by hand!

Monday, April 04, 2005

more random randomness to mess with google adds!!!

Purple monkey dishwasher? Ahhh waffle cone doghouse! What! Synchronized swimming parakeets???

Housequest 2000

So, being the HW2K is going to be easier to do onceI have my own house. It will be the House 2000, complete with all the latest features, listed below
Windows. Clear pieces of glass that allows one to see the outside world!!!
Doors. Opaque and large, keeps the outside world at bay!!!
Electric lights. Now, you too, can see in the dark!!!
Indoor Plumbing. Tired of walking outside to heed the call of nature??
Walls. Now you can have your own box, inside your house!!!
A Roof. Keeps you dry!!!

Where am I going to find a place with all that?

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Ode to My Left Pointer Finger

Pointer finger on my left hand
how sorely underappriciated you were
then I pinched you in the steely jaws
of my childs Johnny Jump Up

Oh the pain of having you smushed
between pressure treated wood and plastic
the hardshop of bandaging you
my self

I never realized how important you were
everday tasks now seem so hard
like typing this poem
in honor of you

Finger, you were so good at pointing
people never were offended
if i pointed you at them
unlike your neighbor

You are the one
that I chew on when sad
or that i tickle the boy with
to make him glad

soon you will return
in all you glory
untill then I can only say
I'm sorry

immature ponderings of a scientific nature

Some of you may have noticed that I now come with adds, by goooogle. The neat thing about them is they will change depending on what I have written, and what they view as subjects. I am thinking that I will randomly insert wierd words and phrases into the blog on occasion to see how it alters the adds. Feel free to post comments with any suggestions, and Hey!- use the search function and the ads, why not!
asparagus iceskates in haiti