Saturday, December 17, 2005

personal thoughts on being a dad, made less personal by posting them here

Growing up, I thought for a while that I had two dads. Sistah-girl and I are half sisters, we share a mom, but have different dads. That a pretty forign concept for a small girl to fully understand, so I was certain I had two dads. As I got older, it slowly dawned on me that neither of them were very good at being a dad. My dad was gone most of the time between my being three and eight an a half. He ran off to the navy, and I saw him twice a year, if I was lucky. During this time, he married Evil-step-mom, and made a family that very neatly excluded me, then, when he came back, tried very hard to force me to fit in, also trying to convince me that living with him and ESM would be better. In retrospect, it would have been horrid. Sistah-girls dad just, well,...he didn't to too hot either. I had uncles, and mom dated, but I never really saw what a good dad was like, up close and personal, until Jazz-dad. He is a good father to his own kids, and a very good father to me and Sista-girl, and I know I don't tell him this enough, because I don't know exactly how to tell him this in the first place...Something just feels awkward about sitting down one day and going- "Excuse me, Jazzdad? Thanks for being a good dad, and for being there for us." OK, on paper it looks easy, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.
Hubby, I think, is a good dad. He is a little hard, sometimes, but for the most part he is good. Also, he realizes that I do not get a day off from being a mom, full time, and is doing much better at spending time with the boys so I can have some "me time". What really impresses me about Hubby is that he had no real idea of what he would be getting into, no one other than uncles to speak to about being a dad, since he never knew who is dad was. My sons have two really good grandfathers, neither of whom are related by blood. Jazzdad is wonderful, but that isn't surprising, he was and is, a good dad. Then there is Father-in-law. Hubby's step-dad, basically. He wasn't, and sometimes isn't, a very good dad, but he is a very good grandpa as well, in a different way than Jazzdad, but still good. I hope that my boys grow up one day to be good dads, but they have good rolemodels, so that should help.

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