This is a list of foods I never thought would be dunked in milk, then eaten, by Bigguy(but I was wrong)
1-chicken and dumplings
2- eggrolls, without sauce
3- pasta, with or without sauce
4- carrots, cooked and raw
5-chicken nuggets
6- hamburgers, with or without bun
7- pearson's salted nut roll
8- dried apricots
9- squash
10- sour kraut
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
sick child generates many questions, and my first of many random lists
Currantly, the Bigguy is ill. He woke me up last night to announce that he thru up in bed and was feeling, I quote, "Under the wedder." He went back to bed after being cleaned up, then proceeded to whine and nap off and on untill about noon. He has been announcing every hour or so that he is sick, unless he wants something to eat that a sick toddler shoudn't have, than it's (once again quoting) "I feel better, momma, I am in the wedder now." I figured that, being ill, he would not be as inquisitive as normal, I was wrong. In the last few hours alone we have been asked where does popcorn come from(the answer apparently is not the microwave ;)) what are trains made out of, how come I have to sleep when I'm sick, what is the difference between tummy food and head food, and when can i take tylonal again. This has been nonstop. And since he is ill, he is whiny, especially when you don't give what he feels is the right answer. Through a teething 5 month old and a hubby with Kidney stones(although he is on vicodin) into the mix and you have some idea of my day.
Now, my first of many random lists-things you never expect to say to or hear from your small child
1-Underwear is not a hat
2- "Momma, I have a big penis!"
3- you can have cookies for breakfast only if you drink juice with them
4-momma, will your boobs fall off if you don't wear that?(while holding up a bra from the laundry hamper)
5- no, the easter bunny is not santa's biggest enemy, and niether is the tooth fairy
6- I understand that you are warm, but that doesn't mean you can strip naked and play in the toilet(at Target)
7- Where are momma's tax return checks?
8- If the dog eats dog food, and the cat eats cat food, what does the toilet eat?
9- Don't stab your poppa with a fork
10- rain isnot birdy pee
Now, my first of many random lists-things you never expect to say to or hear from your small child
1-Underwear is not a hat
2- "Momma, I have a big penis!"
3- you can have cookies for breakfast only if you drink juice with them
4-momma, will your boobs fall off if you don't wear that?(while holding up a bra from the laundry hamper)
5- no, the easter bunny is not santa's biggest enemy, and niether is the tooth fairy
6- I understand that you are warm, but that doesn't mean you can strip naked and play in the toilet(at Target)
7- Where are momma's tax return checks?
8- If the dog eats dog food, and the cat eats cat food, what does the toilet eat?
9- Don't stab your poppa with a fork
10- rain isnot birdy pee
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Life support, and lack thereof
I had told myself that I wasn't going to comment on the Terry Schaivo(sic?) case, that it didn't concern me, that I should just blank it out. I was wrong. It concerns everyone. It is not our concern in that it should be a desicions made by her family, and that if parents and spouse disagree, i feel it should be the spouses choice. It concerns us because the laws they are trying to make once again affect all of our bodies and lives.
Just over ten years ago(ten years, two months, three weeks and four days, not that i'm counting) there was a fire that destroyed my grandmothers house. This is the house that my dad grew up in, that my grandfather died in, that my aunts and uncles all lived in at one time or another taking care of granma. My aunt made it out with nothing other than mild frostbite, and major psychological trauma, to this day, she still can't make toast, due to the smell. My Granma, on the other hand, had a large room in the middleof the house, the Firefighters got to her only after they had the fire subdued. She was asleep at the time of the fire, my aunt tried to get her, but couldn't see thru the smoke. Once granma was out of the fire, she was rushed to the hospital. She had burns on over 89% of her body, the doctors had to ask if anyone new wether or not she slept in the nude, since she was so charred they couldn't tell if she was wearing clothing. Thank whatever gods she believed in, she was in a coma, and probably didnot feel anypain as they tended to her burns. If you do not know how they deal with very severe burns, burns that charred bone in some places, be very thankful. I will not go into the details of that here. For two weeks, she "lived", having machines feed her, help her breathe, pump her full of morphine to dull any pain she might be able to feel. I was 16, and I was ill(pnumonia we later found out) But I thru enough of a fit that they let me see her. To this day i swear it was not my granma I saw, but merely a husk that housed her soul, spirit, and self. The doctors assured us thet she inhaled enough smoke to not feel any pain, this also meant she inhaled enough smoke to kill of any higher brain functioning. They informed us that they were fairly certain she would never regain conciousness, and if she did, she would not be able to move or speak due to her injuries, she would require around the clock care, and have the mental accumen of a stupid 2 year old. We all talked after this, Defunct-Dad, aunt number one, aunt number two(who was in the house during the fire) and drunken uncle all deliberated amopngst themselves, then they all talked to me, one on one to get my imput. I later learned that the reason they all talked to me one on one was because when speaking as a group they decided to respect my choices, thereby making it my decision. I would have done the same thing, even if I knew, but I feel the way they went about it was highly unfair and cheap) We removed her feeding tube, and upped the morphine. The shell that was granma died peacefully, and we mourned, nut for her death, but for how she died.
Had the gov't interfered the way they are now with Schaivo, a woman who would never have any quality of life would have been kept alive thru false means at a monetary expense none could afford, and a moral expens none wanted. It is not a case of morals or ethics, if after fifteen years, she ain't coming back. Terry Schaivo has already left this world, now they must let go of her body, and say goodbye. That's what we did, it hurt like hell, but was for the best.
Just over ten years ago(ten years, two months, three weeks and four days, not that i'm counting) there was a fire that destroyed my grandmothers house. This is the house that my dad grew up in, that my grandfather died in, that my aunts and uncles all lived in at one time or another taking care of granma. My aunt made it out with nothing other than mild frostbite, and major psychological trauma, to this day, she still can't make toast, due to the smell. My Granma, on the other hand, had a large room in the middleof the house, the Firefighters got to her only after they had the fire subdued. She was asleep at the time of the fire, my aunt tried to get her, but couldn't see thru the smoke. Once granma was out of the fire, she was rushed to the hospital. She had burns on over 89% of her body, the doctors had to ask if anyone new wether or not she slept in the nude, since she was so charred they couldn't tell if she was wearing clothing. Thank whatever gods she believed in, she was in a coma, and probably didnot feel anypain as they tended to her burns. If you do not know how they deal with very severe burns, burns that charred bone in some places, be very thankful. I will not go into the details of that here. For two weeks, she "lived", having machines feed her, help her breathe, pump her full of morphine to dull any pain she might be able to feel. I was 16, and I was ill(pnumonia we later found out) But I thru enough of a fit that they let me see her. To this day i swear it was not my granma I saw, but merely a husk that housed her soul, spirit, and self. The doctors assured us thet she inhaled enough smoke to not feel any pain, this also meant she inhaled enough smoke to kill of any higher brain functioning. They informed us that they were fairly certain she would never regain conciousness, and if she did, she would not be able to move or speak due to her injuries, she would require around the clock care, and have the mental accumen of a stupid 2 year old. We all talked after this, Defunct-Dad, aunt number one, aunt number two(who was in the house during the fire) and drunken uncle all deliberated amopngst themselves, then they all talked to me, one on one to get my imput. I later learned that the reason they all talked to me one on one was because when speaking as a group they decided to respect my choices, thereby making it my decision. I would have done the same thing, even if I knew, but I feel the way they went about it was highly unfair and cheap) We removed her feeding tube, and upped the morphine. The shell that was granma died peacefully, and we mourned, nut for her death, but for how she died.
Had the gov't interfered the way they are now with Schaivo, a woman who would never have any quality of life would have been kept alive thru false means at a monetary expense none could afford, and a moral expens none wanted. It is not a case of morals or ethics, if after fifteen years, she ain't coming back. Terry Schaivo has already left this world, now they must let go of her body, and say goodbye. That's what we did, it hurt like hell, but was for the best.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
soo tired.
There are manythings they tell you when you have children, try and sleep when they do, get rest, try not to get too frustrated, enjoy the good times. They do tell you that you will be tired, but they don't tell you that sometimes you will be soo tired that if you stop moving for more that four seconds you'll fall asleep standing up. When you have more than one child, you are awake when the first one wakes up, and don't go to sleep until after the last one goes down for the night. Then, one must add waking at night for potty, diapers, food, dreams, and anyother reason into the mix. Granted if you are lucky enought to get them to nap at the same time during the day you are able to nap as well, if you don' realize that you have plenty of other things to do while they sleep that you can't really do while they are awake. And yes, you could go to sleep right after they do at night, but what about winding down and having alone time with the spouse? On of the problems right now is Bigguy. One of many ways that a toddler tries to exert their budding independance is by trying to controll when they go to sleep. He will force himself to stay awake for as long as he possibly can, and rather upsetting some people in the process, if we wake him up earl the following morning, we are stuck with a cranky child who will not neccassarilly nap or go to bed early the next day. And that is assuming that after staying up untill almost midnight that he won't wake chipper at 5:30 the next morning anyway.
I know that i am being rather grumbly right now, but I am also taking care of Hubby a little more than normal due to yet another kidney stone. We are fairly sure that part of the problem is how we've been eating the last almost year, since we have been living with the in-laws, but relarively soon we will be out from under their roof, and it will b much easier to have a healthier lifestyle again. YAY!! Goodbye to processed food everyother night with greasy foods on the non processed nights(in all fairness it is pro'lly not all as bad as that, just frustrating) and hello to fresh homemade goodness. Yes, this will be more work for me, but it's worth it. Ahh-to be able to cook again and have the right fuels for my body. to have veggies that don't always come from a bag, and to have Mac and cheese that if it's not homemade, will not be nuclear orange either. Ahh- the salads and breads, the well balanced delights, the ethnic cuisine, food that doesn't require mushrooms, and cream soups.
I am a food nerd!!I long to measure, cut , clean and create. Give me a chicken, tomatoes, and rice and I will give you three different meals, four if you toss in an onion or green pepper. Give me vegetables and I will give you soups, stir fries, salads, sauces. Give me beef, and well, you'll get beef, but you catch my drift. I envision a table that is abundant in health and flavor, that is visually and olfactorally pleasing, that feeds the body and the spirit. I envision a table where my children can eat side by side with my mom and step-dad without needing sepperate dishes to please everyone. I envision a table that brings together meals from across the world and makesthem mine. I envision a table that my children will be proud to have their freinds and lovers at as the grow up. In my mind, the table is an important part of family, and I want it to be mine at last.
Soon enough, I will have the comfort of good food and family at my table, I will have the luxury of freinds at my table, I will see my family grow at my table. If I am really lucky...I will see a dishwasher in my kitchen.
I know that i am being rather grumbly right now, but I am also taking care of Hubby a little more than normal due to yet another kidney stone. We are fairly sure that part of the problem is how we've been eating the last almost year, since we have been living with the in-laws, but relarively soon we will be out from under their roof, and it will b much easier to have a healthier lifestyle again. YAY!! Goodbye to processed food everyother night with greasy foods on the non processed nights(in all fairness it is pro'lly not all as bad as that, just frustrating) and hello to fresh homemade goodness. Yes, this will be more work for me, but it's worth it. Ahh-to be able to cook again and have the right fuels for my body. to have veggies that don't always come from a bag, and to have Mac and cheese that if it's not homemade, will not be nuclear orange either. Ahh- the salads and breads, the well balanced delights, the ethnic cuisine, food that doesn't require mushrooms, and cream soups.
I am a food nerd!!I long to measure, cut , clean and create. Give me a chicken, tomatoes, and rice and I will give you three different meals, four if you toss in an onion or green pepper. Give me vegetables and I will give you soups, stir fries, salads, sauces. Give me beef, and well, you'll get beef, but you catch my drift. I envision a table that is abundant in health and flavor, that is visually and olfactorally pleasing, that feeds the body and the spirit. I envision a table where my children can eat side by side with my mom and step-dad without needing sepperate dishes to please everyone. I envision a table that brings together meals from across the world and makesthem mine. I envision a table that my children will be proud to have their freinds and lovers at as the grow up. In my mind, the table is an important part of family, and I want it to be mine at last.
Soon enough, I will have the comfort of good food and family at my table, I will have the luxury of freinds at my table, I will see my family grow at my table. If I am really lucky...I will see a dishwasher in my kitchen.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
subject reality
Someone close to me suffered a break from reality this week-end. This is not easy to deal with, being firmly intrenched in the realness of the situation. However, it did make me think more about reality-how can one "break" from it-if it is real to them at the time, it is their reality. This is frightening to me. I am worried that not everyone involved is handling this in the right way, then again, I don't neccessarily know the right way. I know that I can support them in thir wise decissions, help keep them from making blatently unwise decissions, and love and care for them know matter what. I am sorry for playing the pronoun game, but I donot want to release to much information about them w/out their permission, and anyone reading this who needs to know, already does.
On the plus side I look at my Bigguy, who at this point is mostly oblivious of the situation, take pleasure in very simple things, in the way that only the young and innocent can. His favorite blanket was washed today, he has it in bed-fresh from the drier. "Momma, it is fluffy and safe and warm and cuddly, not cold and scratchy at all, I love my blanket for being that for me, Momma." He doesn't understand why I was crying while smiling and hugging him. He doesn't understand how much we all need something that is fluffy and safe and warm and cuddly, not cold and scratchy at all, to love and cherish all our own as we grow up and face the bad things that life can throw at us. He doesn't understand that they are harder and harder to come by the older we get. I am just so very glad that I was able to give him something like that at this young age, hopefully it will stay like that for him, and hopefully I will be able to instill the tools he will need to keep obtaining the healthy things that will do that fo him as he grows p and out on his own many years from now.
I am torn between wanting to protect him from everything while at the same time exposing him to asmuch in like as I can. I must come to terms, now, with the fact that I cannot always fix everything for him, that if I am not careful, I could damage other things for him, and in the end pray that everything has a middle ground that is happy and healthy. It must be hard to be a parent, especially one that is close to your child, and have to go through this. But if you are, you must take comfort in that you were brave enough and smart enough to do something to help, and then understand that all you can do is try to help. It is very hard to relinquish control of your childrens lives to your children, I imagine, but even if they are not stable, unless they are in a situatiion to have their costodial rights removed, it must be done. Just love them, try to help, encourage the good, discourage the bad, and no matter how hard it gets, listen.
Well, I'm signing off for the night, drink some cocoa, eat some cookies, watch a movie or read a book, and try to nnot worry about reality for a while.
On the plus side I look at my Bigguy, who at this point is mostly oblivious of the situation, take pleasure in very simple things, in the way that only the young and innocent can. His favorite blanket was washed today, he has it in bed-fresh from the drier. "Momma, it is fluffy and safe and warm and cuddly, not cold and scratchy at all, I love my blanket for being that for me, Momma." He doesn't understand why I was crying while smiling and hugging him. He doesn't understand how much we all need something that is fluffy and safe and warm and cuddly, not cold and scratchy at all, to love and cherish all our own as we grow up and face the bad things that life can throw at us. He doesn't understand that they are harder and harder to come by the older we get. I am just so very glad that I was able to give him something like that at this young age, hopefully it will stay like that for him, and hopefully I will be able to instill the tools he will need to keep obtaining the healthy things that will do that fo him as he grows p and out on his own many years from now.
I am torn between wanting to protect him from everything while at the same time exposing him to asmuch in like as I can. I must come to terms, now, with the fact that I cannot always fix everything for him, that if I am not careful, I could damage other things for him, and in the end pray that everything has a middle ground that is happy and healthy. It must be hard to be a parent, especially one that is close to your child, and have to go through this. But if you are, you must take comfort in that you were brave enough and smart enough to do something to help, and then understand that all you can do is try to help. It is very hard to relinquish control of your childrens lives to your children, I imagine, but even if they are not stable, unless they are in a situatiion to have their costodial rights removed, it must be done. Just love them, try to help, encourage the good, discourage the bad, and no matter how hard it gets, listen.
Well, I'm signing off for the night, drink some cocoa, eat some cookies, watch a movie or read a book, and try to nnot worry about reality for a while.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
As the world turns, theese are the cookies of our lives
Well-it's crack-ummm-cookie time again for the girl scouts. This is not exactly bad, but neither is it good. I was a girl scout once-so I know the return on each box of cookies sold at the troop level is a rather small sum, but on the other hand-I get cookies! Do I need cookies? No. Are they good for my physical well being? Onve again, no. Will they help me with my goals of not becoming horribly overweight again? Most deffinately not. So why do I keep buying the dang things? Because, my loyal readers, they are crack! Girl Scout Cookies have to be one of, if not the most, addicting substances in the world, made worse by the fact that they are seasonal. Idon't think they would hold as much appeal elsewise. Hubby and I have spent ludicrious amounts of money on the cookies this year, more than we spent on fundraisers for our own boy scout troop. We are pathetic. The lure of cookies is too much for me. Cookies are versatile! You can eat them, stack them, teach children math with them( If you have three cookies, and mommy eats two-how many are left?) They have enough preservatives you could probably build a house and power your car with them!
Now I must go and eat the cookies, for writing about them seems to have stregthened their hold over me...mmmmm....thin mints.....
Now I must go and eat the cookies, for writing about them seems to have stregthened their hold over me...mmmmm....thin mints.....
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Dancingin my head.
I told my Bro in law the other day that I'm always dancing in my mind, sometimes it just leaks out. He giggled like a school girl =0) Sometimes you just need to do stuff like that-sing for no reason, dance around while doing dishes, hum while you type-whatever-it makes you feel better. Bigguy has picked up on this, and sings often, manytimes while on the potty, which Grammy Bev will more than likely(and embarrassingly) point out a young HW2K used to do. Parents are really good for remember the things you don;t want others to know, but they also remember every good thing about you. Children kinda work the otherway-Find me a teen who doesn't piss and moan about how their folks treat'em-in most cases it is out of love for kids that make parents do silly things.
On a slightly different note-Blue's clues is an awesome kids program, but wll drive an adult insane, Sesame Street still entertains me, and we need more saturday morning cartoons-like the Smurfs, and the such-well-that's all for now-see y'all at my next random rambling!
On a slightly different note-Blue's clues is an awesome kids program, but wll drive an adult insane, Sesame Street still entertains me, and we need more saturday morning cartoons-like the Smurfs, and the such-well-that's all for now-see y'all at my next random rambling!
Monday, March 07, 2005
I WANT COCOA, NOW!!
Ah...to be three years old again, where if you scream about it long enough, you just might get it. I think if we want the war to end we should send Bigguy into the oval office. " I want it over, W, I want it over, I WANTIT OVER MAKE IT STOP, NOW!!!" after a few hours of that, at high decibals, non stop, we just might see the troops pulled. Want a quicker tax return? Want to get out of that parking ticket? Want to upgrade to first class? Hire my three year old!
Friday, March 04, 2005
long lost friends
I just got in contact with a friend I haven't heard fronn in over 7 years. I've known him for 18 years. It was nice but surreal. I made me realize everything that I have done in the past years and take stock of where I am now. He knew me back when I was a tomboy, playing like I was one of the guys, and now I'mm the married mom of two. So much has changed, yet it was like old times. Inside jokes, shared memories, ancient embarrasing stories. He lives out of state, but will be in MN this summer to visit people. I hope Hubby likes him. He should, they have a lot in common, which I never realized till today, so hopefully...
By the way-the three little dots ... those are called an elipses-cool
By the way-the three little dots ... those are called an elipses-cool
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Scary thought on Bush
It just hit me that bush was reelected for one of three reasons-A) tat many people believe in him and what he his trying to do, B) that people were just too lazy to vote for someone different, or C) th election was rigged. Any one of these is scary to consider. Here is a man who admittedly doesn't read the newspaper, uses one set of numbers to tell us that social security need to be reformed and another set to show that the budget is just fine, and gets away with it. We need to hold him accountable for being a stupid f@#%g idiot, or hold ourselves accountable for him being in charge. man-that sucks
My sister is sooo cool!
Today, hubby was diagnosed with his second kidney stone in a year. Once he go out of the emergency room, I had to go to Walgreens to fill his prescription. What does this have to do with my sister being cool? I talked to her for the twenty-five minutes it took to fill his prescription. We haven't really just talked for a long time, and for even longer I tended to keep my thoughts and stuff on a deeper level to myself. I always kinda feered that my family wouldn't approve or would think I was nuts or stupid. I found out I was wrong. We have a lot of similar views on how the world should work, and that it dose not work the way it is now. I found out that she has the same "fears" talking to mom that I do, even though her relationship is much more open than mine, which is Mom wll think we're nuts. This entire revelation came because of an interview I heard on the radio this morning from a woman who survived Nazi germany because she was a child of nazi's, and just wrote a book about it. I called my sister to tell her about this because we are starting a book club, and I thought it would be a great book for tat. She agreed. All of a sudden we were in a conversation about organics, child rearing, the way we want the world to be, about how working for giant fceless orginizations is not the greatest thing one can and should do with thier lives, about how people should all work for the betterment of others, all sorts of stuff. It was awsome! She is awsome. I love my sister and I hope she knows this. I tell her often and will tell her again when I see her.
People-this is important! If you only learn one thing from this blog, let it be the same key thing I try to teach my bos everyday. If you love some one-you can never tell them too ofton. You must make every action in you life be filled wiith love and compassion if you can. Hatred and vengeance are self defeating and wrong. You need to love yourself,not so that you can love others, but so you can accept their love, and you are worthy of anyone's love you get. It ma sound cheesy, contrite and even hippyish but I believ it is true. Love is the key-it breeds understanding, happiness, has health benefits-mental, physical, and spiritual. It rocks.
People-this is important! If you only learn one thing from this blog, let it be the same key thing I try to teach my bos everyday. If you love some one-you can never tell them too ofton. You must make every action in you life be filled wiith love and compassion if you can. Hatred and vengeance are self defeating and wrong. You need to love yourself,not so that you can love others, but so you can accept their love, and you are worthy of anyone's love you get. It ma sound cheesy, contrite and even hippyish but I believ it is true. Love is the key-it breeds understanding, happiness, has health benefits-mental, physical, and spiritual. It rocks.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Everyone is ill.
Everyone in housewifeland is ill. Bigguy has a cold, littleman has a cld and a mild virus, Hubby has a virus and is being an ass about it, and I, hw2k am also ill. I don't have the time to be sick unless everyone else is healthy-this sucks-2 sick boys and a sick hubby and I just want to fall over and sleep and I can't. I have to clean up vomit, diarreah, runny nose and cater to the food and drink need of three individuals, and ain't nobody taking careof me. AAARRRGGGHHH
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
It's a NEW post!!!
Well, alot of things have happened in housewife land since last I wrote. Hubby and I made it legal-so now he really is Hubby. I filed our tax returns. We looked at some places and turned them down. Bigguy is bigger-Little man is now not-so-little.
I have come to the conclusion that everyone I know, myself included, are nuts. We are either very normal in a crazy world-which frightens me, or we are extremely abnormal in a sane world-wich also frightens me. I do not want to accept that the world is "sane", that would mean accepting reality as it is-war, republicans, homelessness, epidemics, and all. However, I am not willing to accept that I and those around me are normal either-that is almost as disturbing as republicans. It's somewhere in between, and I know that I can affect my immediate surroundings, I hope I will raise my children in such a way as to be able to affect global changes. My boys are smart, attractive and charismatic(words of people not related to them as well, I realize I have parental bias) Looks and charisma can gat you far in this country-people have ruled companies and countries with theese alone. You thro intelligence into the mix and they could be unstoppable. I will support them in whatever endevors they undertake when they grow up-even if it be as a professional pump jockey- but I hope that they be doctors, politicians, activists, teachers,scientists-something that will benifit society and allow them to make a change and a difference. I was really down on myself the other day-What was I doing to make a difference? Then it hit me like a truck-I am raising my boys, I the HW2K am raising my own children, not paying otherpeople to raise them so I can work, I am doing it. I am helping shape their world view, beliefs, morals, values, everything. If my children grow up to do great things-it is partly in fact of their father and me.Adversly- if the grow up and do horrible things....
I would like to think that I make a difference. I would like to think that I matter beyond my family. I would like to think that when I die, people will remember me for more than being HW2K-but if all I do is raise my kids right-it is enough.
I have come to the conclusion that everyone I know, myself included, are nuts. We are either very normal in a crazy world-which frightens me, or we are extremely abnormal in a sane world-wich also frightens me. I do not want to accept that the world is "sane", that would mean accepting reality as it is-war, republicans, homelessness, epidemics, and all. However, I am not willing to accept that I and those around me are normal either-that is almost as disturbing as republicans. It's somewhere in between, and I know that I can affect my immediate surroundings, I hope I will raise my children in such a way as to be able to affect global changes. My boys are smart, attractive and charismatic(words of people not related to them as well, I realize I have parental bias) Looks and charisma can gat you far in this country-people have ruled companies and countries with theese alone. You thro intelligence into the mix and they could be unstoppable. I will support them in whatever endevors they undertake when they grow up-even if it be as a professional pump jockey- but I hope that they be doctors, politicians, activists, teachers,scientists-something that will benifit society and allow them to make a change and a difference. I was really down on myself the other day-What was I doing to make a difference? Then it hit me like a truck-I am raising my boys, I the HW2K am raising my own children, not paying otherpeople to raise them so I can work, I am doing it. I am helping shape their world view, beliefs, morals, values, everything. If my children grow up to do great things-it is partly in fact of their father and me.Adversly- if the grow up and do horrible things....
I would like to think that I make a difference. I would like to think that I matter beyond my family. I would like to think that when I die, people will remember me for more than being HW2K-but if all I do is raise my kids right-it is enough.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Friday, January 14, 2005
Past, Present, and Future Self
I used to think that my family felt I was incredibly dumb. I was always concerned with what they thought. Then one day I realized thatI just wasn't a good conversationalist. I'm still not-I have problems sticking to the point, I over explain, and I have problems differentiating important details from minor ones. However this isn't an issue while reading and writing.(ok-I wander while I write here, but not when I write stories or letters) I don't knowwhy this is-My mom and Sister are very good conversationalists, good story tellers, good at relaying the information. Maybe it is something I aquired from defunct-dad or is a byproduct of how I grew up. Now I think it's from being around children all day every day. You must explain EVERYTHING to a toddler, you must be very specific, very exact and cover it all.
I also used to be very concerned with what others thought about me. I always said I didn't care, but honestly I think we all do. Now I am much less concerned with the opinions of others. They are not me. They didn't live my life. They didn't have to make the choices I did. If they don't like me-they don't have to deal with me. I need to like me, I have no choice BUT to deal with me.
I did some really, really stupid things in my misspent youth. Some of them hurt people unneccesarily, made people think less of me, made me think less of me, and worst of all, hurt those I loved. I cannot do anything about what the past me did, but make sure the present my doesn't make the same errors and hope the future me will unferstand better why I did what I did.
The past me hurt my mom, not physically, but still hurt. The present me fears she will never fully forgive me for being a problematic person.
The past me had major commitment issues, some moral issues, issues. The present me still has some issues, but I have been sharing them with the same person for over four years now and the future me plans on sharing them with the same person.
The past me used to run away. Not in the little kid "I don't like you any more" sense, but in the "I'm an adult and don't want to be here, be responsible, be around myself" sense. I would just get in the ar and drive until I stopped and stay with friends in a different city, county, state untill I was ready to deal or had no choice but to go back. The present me realizes that I have responsibilities, and running if I get overwhelmed will only make them worse. maybe the future me won't get overwhelmed?
The past me was scared. Scared of so much. Family, failure, love as opposed to lust, pain, the absence of pain, not liking myself. I am still scared-but it is differrent. I am scared of what the future may hold for my children, what sort of society I will be unleashing them on as adults. I am scared of my Mom dieing and never really knowing how much she meant to me-even if I don't always agree with everything she did-how strong she was. I am scared of Defunct-dad not knowing how much he truely hurt me-spending the rest of his exsistance thinking it was okay to leave my life for years at a time-but I fear telling him this as well. I fear my children will treat me when they are in their teens the way I treated Mom. I am scared that I am not immortal.
The future me maybe will not be scared, will have better ways of dealing, will be more elloquent in conversations, will be more educated, will be braver, stronger, nicer, more fair, more stable.
The future me will be what I make her. Just like the present me is what my past made me.
I cannot change the past
I cannot predict the future
I can only deal with the present
I am only me
I also used to be very concerned with what others thought about me. I always said I didn't care, but honestly I think we all do. Now I am much less concerned with the opinions of others. They are not me. They didn't live my life. They didn't have to make the choices I did. If they don't like me-they don't have to deal with me. I need to like me, I have no choice BUT to deal with me.
I did some really, really stupid things in my misspent youth. Some of them hurt people unneccesarily, made people think less of me, made me think less of me, and worst of all, hurt those I loved. I cannot do anything about what the past me did, but make sure the present my doesn't make the same errors and hope the future me will unferstand better why I did what I did.
The past me hurt my mom, not physically, but still hurt. The present me fears she will never fully forgive me for being a problematic person.
The past me had major commitment issues, some moral issues, issues. The present me still has some issues, but I have been sharing them with the same person for over four years now and the future me plans on sharing them with the same person.
The past me used to run away. Not in the little kid "I don't like you any more" sense, but in the "I'm an adult and don't want to be here, be responsible, be around myself" sense. I would just get in the ar and drive until I stopped and stay with friends in a different city, county, state untill I was ready to deal or had no choice but to go back. The present me realizes that I have responsibilities, and running if I get overwhelmed will only make them worse. maybe the future me won't get overwhelmed?
The past me was scared. Scared of so much. Family, failure, love as opposed to lust, pain, the absence of pain, not liking myself. I am still scared-but it is differrent. I am scared of what the future may hold for my children, what sort of society I will be unleashing them on as adults. I am scared of my Mom dieing and never really knowing how much she meant to me-even if I don't always agree with everything she did-how strong she was. I am scared of Defunct-dad not knowing how much he truely hurt me-spending the rest of his exsistance thinking it was okay to leave my life for years at a time-but I fear telling him this as well. I fear my children will treat me when they are in their teens the way I treated Mom. I am scared that I am not immortal.
The future me maybe will not be scared, will have better ways of dealing, will be more elloquent in conversations, will be more educated, will be braver, stronger, nicer, more fair, more stable.
The future me will be what I make her. Just like the present me is what my past made me.
I cannot change the past
I cannot predict the future
I can only deal with the present
I am only me
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
nothing to do with Defunct-dad
All my boys are sick =( Littleman just got over ear infections, bigguy just got diagnosede with ear infections and hubby's at the Dr right now(sinus issues and possible-yep, you guessed right-ear infection) This sucks. I've come to the conclusion that when you become a mom you dodn't get sick, your body realizes you don't have the time. This frightens me however. Mom-who never got sick when we were little-or if she did it was on;y on the weekends when Spacey or myself were gone or were old enough to take care of her-is really ill right now. She has The Flu!! Mom doesn't even sound like herself on the phone. She and I discussed the mommy immune system and she agrees with me, but does that mean if we were all younger she wouldn't be as ill?? I sometimes feel like shit-but the only time I have been really sick sinced Bigguy has been born was when I was pregnant with Littleman and got the flu-and we were in a possition then where I had plenty of day to day help-Hubby, bro-in-law and the rest of the in-laws all at my fingertips and really mad if I violated dr's orders. Oh well-not getting sick is a deffinate good thing!
Friday, January 07, 2005
longwinded
I have been reading thru my old posts, andan, am I long winded! I think it's because this is one of the only places I can really vent.
Dealing with the Defunct dad and Evil step-mom recently stressed me out so much, I was physically ill. I know that it's nnot right. I should just tell DD and ESM that I'm not going to do this any more, but I can't. I know ESM only has a few years left because of her health-and if I cut thungs off with them-I cut them offfor me brothers and sons. I don't think that is fair. It's not fair how they just up and quit talking to me one day either. I don't know what to do and Hubby's not much help-he doesn't like them. What drives a parent to disavow their child??
Dealing with the Defunct dad and Evil step-mom recently stressed me out so much, I was physically ill. I know that it's nnot right. I should just tell DD and ESM that I'm not going to do this any more, but I can't. I know ESM only has a few years left because of her health-and if I cut thungs off with them-I cut them offfor me brothers and sons. I don't think that is fair. It's not fair how they just up and quit talking to me one day either. I don't know what to do and Hubby's not much help-he doesn't like them. What drives a parent to disavow their child??
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Guilt
There's been a lot of talk on the airwaves recently about "Maternal Guilt". Basically what this says is that no matter what you decide to do as a mother, work, stay home, go to school, work part-time, put your kids in daycare etc etc etc...you are going to feel guilty. This sucks when you think about it, there es no way to win. I often have guilt- do I do enough around the house? Do my kids get enough individual attention? Do they get to much attention? These arwe NORMAL feelings. Sometimes I feel bad about my 10 minute shower feeling so good and wishing I took ten more minutes, then I feel bad about that. Every weekend I have guilt because Hey-I don't get days off work, hubby, you do, so take the kids for a while when you are supposed to be unwinding. I feel bad that I don't contribute financially-so things are pretty tight sometimes. HOWEVER, I realize that if I were working I would still have most of these problems, even less time to ddeal with them in, and any money I made would be paying for daycare, so someone else could raise my kids for me.
I think this whole concept is rediculous! Fathers have plenty of guilt but you don't get books and radio shows adressing that. Hubby works an average of 45 hours a week-oftentimes more, he only spends time with the boys when he gets home from work and all parties involved are tired and cranky, and on the weekends-his supposed days off, when he has housework he does plus any time we visit people come out of his weekend time. If the boys are sick and he wants to help out, we lose money or use PTO and lose vacation time. If he wants time to himself to unwind HE feels guilt because when do I get time to my self. Fathers have just as much guilt as mothers.
Here's the real deal as I see it. Parents have guilt. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, it's constant trial and error. You will never truly know how good a job you did raising your kids. No one ever has enough time to do what they want and need-children involved or not. All that making one parent or the other feel gender specific guilt will do is...Make them feel even more guilty and give them an out for feeling such. When I feel guilt I look at why and figure it out. If I'm in the shower it's necesary me time. I need to be clean and take 10 minutes to collect myself-yes-I could be doing other things, but they can wait. No I don't get a day off, but I get to witness every imprtant thing in my boys lives. Yes, hubby works hard to provide for us. At the end of the day, we are a well provided for family, not everything that we want, but everything that we need. Including strong rolemodels, the knowledge that our family loves each other, and the knowledge that my sons will understand sacrifice as they grow older. Sacrifice for ones family, hardly a sacrifice at all.
I think this whole concept is rediculous! Fathers have plenty of guilt but you don't get books and radio shows adressing that. Hubby works an average of 45 hours a week-oftentimes more, he only spends time with the boys when he gets home from work and all parties involved are tired and cranky, and on the weekends-his supposed days off, when he has housework he does plus any time we visit people come out of his weekend time. If the boys are sick and he wants to help out, we lose money or use PTO and lose vacation time. If he wants time to himself to unwind HE feels guilt because when do I get time to my self. Fathers have just as much guilt as mothers.
Here's the real deal as I see it. Parents have guilt. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, it's constant trial and error. You will never truly know how good a job you did raising your kids. No one ever has enough time to do what they want and need-children involved or not. All that making one parent or the other feel gender specific guilt will do is...Make them feel even more guilty and give them an out for feeling such. When I feel guilt I look at why and figure it out. If I'm in the shower it's necesary me time. I need to be clean and take 10 minutes to collect myself-yes-I could be doing other things, but they can wait. No I don't get a day off, but I get to witness every imprtant thing in my boys lives. Yes, hubby works hard to provide for us. At the end of the day, we are a well provided for family, not everything that we want, but everything that we need. Including strong rolemodels, the knowledge that our family loves each other, and the knowledge that my sons will understand sacrifice as they grow older. Sacrifice for ones family, hardly a sacrifice at all.
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