Friday, January 14, 2005

Past, Present, and Future Self

I used to think that my family felt I was incredibly dumb. I was always concerned with what they thought. Then one day I realized thatI just wasn't a good conversationalist. I'm still not-I have problems sticking to the point, I over explain, and I have problems differentiating important details from minor ones. However this isn't an issue while reading and writing.(ok-I wander while I write here, but not when I write stories or letters) I don't knowwhy this is-My mom and Sister are very good conversationalists, good story tellers, good at relaying the information. Maybe it is something I aquired from defunct-dad or is a byproduct of how I grew up. Now I think it's from being around children all day every day. You must explain EVERYTHING to a toddler, you must be very specific, very exact and cover it all.
I also used to be very concerned with what others thought about me. I always said I didn't care, but honestly I think we all do. Now I am much less concerned with the opinions of others. They are not me. They didn't live my life. They didn't have to make the choices I did. If they don't like me-they don't have to deal with me. I need to like me, I have no choice BUT to deal with me.
I did some really, really stupid things in my misspent youth. Some of them hurt people unneccesarily, made people think less of me, made me think less of me, and worst of all, hurt those I loved. I cannot do anything about what the past me did, but make sure the present my doesn't make the same errors and hope the future me will unferstand better why I did what I did.
The past me hurt my mom, not physically, but still hurt. The present me fears she will never fully forgive me for being a problematic person.
The past me had major commitment issues, some moral issues, issues. The present me still has some issues, but I have been sharing them with the same person for over four years now and the future me plans on sharing them with the same person.
The past me used to run away. Not in the little kid "I don't like you any more" sense, but in the "I'm an adult and don't want to be here, be responsible, be around myself" sense. I would just get in the ar and drive until I stopped and stay with friends in a different city, county, state untill I was ready to deal or had no choice but to go back. The present me realizes that I have responsibilities, and running if I get overwhelmed will only make them worse. maybe the future me won't get overwhelmed?
The past me was scared. Scared of so much. Family, failure, love as opposed to lust, pain, the absence of pain, not liking myself. I am still scared-but it is differrent. I am scared of what the future may hold for my children, what sort of society I will be unleashing them on as adults. I am scared of my Mom dieing and never really knowing how much she meant to me-even if I don't always agree with everything she did-how strong she was. I am scared of Defunct-dad not knowing how much he truely hurt me-spending the rest of his exsistance thinking it was okay to leave my life for years at a time-but I fear telling him this as well. I fear my children will treat me when they are in their teens the way I treated Mom. I am scared that I am not immortal.
The future me maybe will not be scared, will have better ways of dealing, will be more elloquent in conversations, will be more educated, will be braver, stronger, nicer, more fair, more stable.

The future me will be what I make her. Just like the present me is what my past made me.
I cannot change the past
I cannot predict the future
I can only deal with the present
I am only me

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