Past, Present, and Future Self

I used to think that my family felt I was incredibly dumb. I was always concerned with what they thought. Then one day I realized thatI just wasn't a good conversationalist. I'm still not-I have problems sticking to the point, I over explain, and I have problems differentiating important details from minor ones. However this isn't an issue while reading and writing.(ok-I wander while I write here, but not when I write stories or letters) I don't knowwhy this is-My mom and Sister are very good conversationalists, good story tellers, good at relaying the information. Maybe it is something I aquired from defunct-dad or is a byproduct of how I grew up. Now I think it's from being around children all day every day. You must explain EVERYTHING to a toddler, you must be very specific, very exact and cover it all.
I also used to be very concerned with what others thought about me. I always said I didn't care, but honestly I think we all do. Now I am much less concerned with the opinions of others. They are not me. They didn't live my life. They didn't have to make the choices I did. If they don't like me-they don't have to deal with me. I need to like me, I have no choice BUT to deal with me.
I did some really, really stupid things in my misspent youth. Some of them hurt people unneccesarily, made people think less of me, made me think less of me, and worst of all, hurt those I loved. I cannot do anything about what the past me did, but make sure the present my doesn't make the same errors and hope the future me will unferstand better why I did what I did.
The past me hurt my mom, not physically, but still hurt. The present me fears she will never fully forgive me for being a problematic person.
The past me had major commitment issues, some moral issues, issues. The present me still has some issues, but I have been sharing them with the same person for over four years now and the future me plans on sharing them with the same person.
The past me used to run away. Not in the little kid "I don't like you any more" sense, but in the "I'm an adult and don't want to be here, be responsible, be around myself" sense. I would just get in the ar and drive until I stopped and stay with friends in a different city, county, state untill I was ready to deal or had no choice but to go back. The present me realizes that I have responsibilities, and running if I get overwhelmed will only make them worse. maybe the future me won't get overwhelmed?
The past me was scared. Scared of so much. Family, failure, love as opposed to lust, pain, the absence of pain, not liking myself. I am still scared-but it is differrent. I am scared of what the future may hold for my children, what sort of society I will be unleashing them on as adults. I am scared of my Mom dieing and never really knowing how much she meant to me-even if I don't always agree with everything she did-how strong she was. I am scared of Defunct-dad not knowing how much he truely hurt me-spending the rest of his exsistance thinking it was okay to leave my life for years at a time-but I fear telling him this as well. I fear my children will treat me when they are in their teens the way I treated Mom. I am scared that I am not immortal.
The future me maybe will not be scared, will have better ways of dealing, will be more elloquent in conversations, will be more educated, will be braver, stronger, nicer, more fair, more stable.

The future me will be what I make her. Just like the present me is what my past made me.
I cannot change the past
I cannot predict the future
I can only deal with the present
I am only me

nothing to do with Defunct-dad

All my boys are sick =( Littleman just got over ear infections, bigguy just got diagnosede with ear infections and hubby's at the Dr right now(sinus issues and possible-yep, you guessed right-ear infection) This sucks. I've come to the conclusion that when you become a mom you dodn't get sick, your body realizes you don't have the time. This frightens me however. Mom-who never got sick when we were little-or if she did it was on;y on the weekends when Spacey or myself were gone or were old enough to take care of her-is really ill right now. She has The Flu!! Mom doesn't even sound like herself on the phone. She and I discussed the mommy immune system and she agrees with me, but does that mean if we were all younger she wouldn't be as ill?? I sometimes feel like shit-but the only time I have been really sick sinced Bigguy has been born was when I was pregnant with Littleman and got the flu-and we were in a possition then where I had plenty of day to day help-Hubby, bro-in-law and the rest of the in-laws all at my fingertips and really mad if I violated dr's orders. Oh well-not getting sick is a deffinate good thing!

longwinded

I have been reading thru my old posts, andan, am I long winded! I think it's because this is one of the only places I can really vent.
Dealing with the Defunct dad and Evil step-mom recently stressed me out so much, I was physically ill. I know that it's nnot right. I should just tell DD and ESM that I'm not going to do this any more, but I can't. I know ESM only has a few years left because of her health-and if I cut thungs off with them-I cut them offfor me brothers and sons. I don't think that is fair. It's not fair how they just up and quit talking to me one day either. I don't know what to do and Hubby's not much help-he doesn't like them. What drives a parent to disavow their child??

Guilt

There's been a lot of talk on the airwaves recently about "Maternal Guilt". Basically what this says is that no matter what you decide to do as a mother, work, stay home, go to school, work part-time, put your kids in daycare etc etc etc...you are going to feel guilty. This sucks when you think about it, there es no way to win. I often have guilt- do I do enough around the house? Do my kids get enough individual attention? Do they get to much attention? These arwe NORMAL feelings. Sometimes I feel bad about my 10 minute shower feeling so good and wishing I took ten more minutes, then I feel bad about that. Every weekend I have guilt because Hey-I don't get days off work, hubby, you do, so take the kids for a while when you are supposed to be unwinding. I feel bad that I don't contribute financially-so things are pretty tight sometimes. HOWEVER, I realize that if I were working I would still have most of these problems, even less time to ddeal with them in, and any money I made would be paying for daycare, so someone else could raise my kids for me.
I think this whole concept is rediculous! Fathers have plenty of guilt but you don't get books and radio shows adressing that. Hubby works an average of 45 hours a week-oftentimes more, he only spends time with the boys when he gets home from work and all parties involved are tired and cranky, and on the weekends-his supposed days off, when he has housework he does plus any time we visit people come out of his weekend time. If the boys are sick and he wants to help out, we lose money or use PTO and lose vacation time. If he wants time to himself to unwind HE feels guilt because when do I get time to my self. Fathers have just as much guilt as mothers.
Here's the real deal as I see it. Parents have guilt. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, it's constant trial and error. You will never truly know how good a job you did raising your kids. No one ever has enough time to do what they want and need-children involved or not. All that making one parent or the other feel gender specific guilt will do is...Make them feel even more guilty and give them an out for feeling such. When I feel guilt I look at why and figure it out. If I'm in the shower it's necesary me time. I need to be clean and take 10 minutes to collect myself-yes-I could be doing other things, but they can wait. No I don't get a day off, but I get to witness every imprtant thing in my boys lives. Yes, hubby works hard to provide for us. At the end of the day, we are a well provided for family, not everything that we want, but everything that we need. Including strong rolemodels, the knowledge that our family loves each other, and the knowledge that my sons will understand sacrifice as they grow older. Sacrifice for ones family, hardly a sacrifice at all.

Chaos, total chaos...

Enough said

Open letter to the snooty poeple who piss me off!!!

Well, I'm feeling prolific today!

Dear people at the store, gas station and restaurants:
Quit pissing me off!!I have enough shit to deal with without you commenting on my appearance or how I raise my children. I can only assume you base how I raise my children on the basis of what I wear,drive purchase and how the dress and act in public being you have never met me nor spent any time with me(Thanks be). Yes-I took the first shower I have had in nearly a week today, I have two children to raise in the hopes that they not act like you, and quite frankly, tho showering falls near the top of my priority list it's not the end all be all of my existance. Yes-my older son was wearing a wizards hat as opposed to a winter cap-but it is wool, warm and let's him believe for a few brief shining moments that he is someone he is not, in a land better than this, with amazing abilities abd talent. Even though he has his unique skill set I am very proud of turning a cat into a teacup isn't one of them. Yes, my little guy wascrying-You know what? Babies do that. a lot. for no reason sometimes. It happens. I am NOT a bad mother because I let him cry for exactly one minute before feeding him. I figured it would be easier for all those involved if I made my breast available outside the bra before he started nursing. And yes, I breastfeed in public, I keep myself as covered as possible and am descreet as possible and if you don't like it, stop staring!!!!! It's a boob! women have them! Hell, some men have them!!! I do my best to raise them well, to teach them respect for all others and let them be individuals.If you don't like it-raise your own children and leave me the f### alone.
Thank you.
Housewife2000

Sorry...

I just realized that I didn't have my comments section properly set up. Now anyone and everyone can comment on my life, how that differs from normal is beyond me. I would also like to apologise for my short hyatis. Little man is an early teether and is cross teething to boot. That, for those of you who are not parents, means that his teeth are trying to come in in a different order that what is standard. Normally the front teeth bottom, than top com in followed by the sides, cuspids I think they are called.(I normally call them the canines) This is much more painful for the littleman, and being he is only two an a half months now..we are limitied in the forms of pain relief we can use. Due to the extra attention littleman is getting-bigguy is acting up. Nothing beats a tyrranical 3 year old on a mission for more attention.
On a different note-the holiday season has come and gone for most of us. I am supposed to see my dad tomorrow to do the gift exchange (clothing and dorky toys for the boys-who knows what for me and hubby) This is always a really wierd time for me and the Defunt dad, i remember being seventeen, eighteen, nineteen on op through 21 jumping everytime the phone rang waiting for it to be him, half wanting to be normal, half wanting to yell at him for dissapearing and he never called. Then one day I had Bigguy and everything was supposed to be normal again as far as he was concerned, and I still want to just stand up and yell at him! "Where were you, what did I do, why couldn't you call, why couldn't you stop by mom's when you drove past her house every damn day you went to work!?!?!?!?!?" but for some reason I can't. I had an idealized version of him in my head for so long I don't want to let go of it. But I am now realizing he is human, and as such can fail someone. He let me down and I know that now-I just don't know why. Oh and evil step-mom will be there too-being overly nice so I don't take away the grandbabies I guess.
Man, that was a downer.
Christmas rocked though! We all got neat stuff and everyone seemed to like the stuff we foisted off on them. Ask Space waitreess about her blanket! I am glad she liked it.
Jazzcat gave us a check to put in our savings for a house so that we ma bbe living on our own again in something we own.
Mom was frazzled but good and managed for the first time to by gifts for Hubby that he likes and well fit him all at the same time. Yeah Mom!
Well. thats enough for now I suppose. I would like to leave you all with a thought till next time. If humans evolced from primates, why the hell did we get rid of tails and opposable toes??Think of the multi-tasking!

You'll shoot your eye out!!

Took the boys to see Santa today with my mom. While standing in line that fabulous scene from "A Christmas Story" kept running thru my head. I want a red rider bb gun.
Heh. frageelay

Turkey Trauma

Ok, Thanksgiving probably wasn't traumatic-but it will be remembered always. Our guest showed up 2 hrs early, we had way more food than people-the dog bit someone-and the mother-in-law to be got a migraine. The plus side? Bigguy kept his pants on the entire meal!!! Now we eat the leftovers. At my family's 2nd annual sunday after thanksgiving meal, I felt tired and slightly invisible-but the kids had a blast. Mom got to spend time with both boys-Bigguy played some of the most entertaining video games ever, and a good time was had by all. It's wierd to see how group interrection between myy self and my siblings have changed now that I have 2 kids, but it's to be expected. My world revolves around potty training, diapers, teething, clothing sizes, reading childrens books and other kid stuff. The siblings can see movies, go clubbing, go shopping without having to worry about whats prominently displayed in the toy aisle, and just as long as their bills are paid, worry about themselves.
I was thinking back to my child-free days, and my rare single days and I realized as frustrating as it is to be a mom-I wouldn't go back for anything. I appreciate my Mom much more now than I ever did before-I have the hubby-sha did most of this alone, I can stay home with my boys-she had to work to support us girls and still find time to be there for us, I have pretty muchmore people to go to with my prblems than I'll ever need-she only had a few. Now I understand why she seemed so tired(she was), so frustrated(she was), and why she was so happy to get away for a little while. It wasn't that she didn't love us, want to spend time with us, and all the other things you think when you are a little kid. It was because she loved, cared, and wanted to be a good mom that she had time to herself-you can't raise kids when your on your wits end. I love my mom more now than when I was 13. I understand her more now. I need her more now. I am THANKFUL for her now. as an aside-my dad still sucks.

dismay

Sunday was the 50th birthday bash for the coolest step-dad in the whole world-herein referred to as Jazzcat. My mom called about 9 times over the course of two days and duuring the party to get Hubby and me to go. Kids welcome. Wanted to go soooo bad. But...Bigguy was dealing with allergies and a cold and Littleman was dealing with colic and a cold, so we didn't go. I feel like a heel. Jazzcat's been there for me whenever I've needed him for the last 9 years. He's been more of a Dad to me than my father ever is, and i feel like I let him down by not being there to celebrate-that somehow what should've been a perfect evening was marred by my not being there. Sometimes I wonder if I should be able to balance everything-or if it's normal to fall apart after two kids. I think I'm starting to figure out where all the pieces go now.

Upgrade??

Sometimes, I wonder if I missed the upgrade for Housewife 3000. Littleman had a really colicky night last night, and Bigguy was up at about 3 am and is still going strong. I know that it is normal to be tired and frustrated right now. I am upset with myself, tho, I need to be supermom, get the laundry done-take care of my kids-make sure Hubby gets enough sleep for work-pray that the kids aren't waking the Hubby's parents, who we livve with till we get our own place again-manage daytime meals-help with evening and weekend meals-breastfeed-keep kids clean-keep Bigguy behaved-do random things around the house-AND look presentable while doing it. Ever try to shower with a 3 yr old knocking on the door and an infant crying??
I know my expectations of myself are unreasonable. I have friends, family and pediatricians all telling me I am doing a fabulous job, and every time I hear it I feel better until I wonder if they're just saying it to appease me and keep me from crying/screaming/becoming an histerical gibbering mess.
Man! My spelling and grammar suck now, too!!!!

If I can't be super woman, can I get 2 more hours in the day?

stuff, stuff, and more stuff

Being this is new, some stuff about me. When I was 20 I got married. I was divorced at 21. Yeah, people shouldn't get married that young, it's not healthy, you think you know what you want, you're probably wrong. I should've listened to my sister, the Spacewaitress. She said if I was sure it was what I wanted, wait 5 years-then do it. I figured we'd still be together so what difference does 5 years make. Heh! Not listening to my sister has gotten me into more trouble than listening has evrer done.
More stuff- I have now been in a commited relationship for over 4 yrs-we'll get legally married soon enough, but everyone we know has told us we're already married-the gov't just hasn't realized it yet. I have 2 boys-Bigguy is 3 and dangerously smart. He gets his way more often than not because he has a better arguement than I do. Littleman is a month old and colicky- that sucks-otherwise he is perfect in ways that only small children have and adults envy.
Even more stuff-I have a very large not always functional but i love them anyways family.

Oh, and in case you're wondering-yes I am a stay at home mom, and plan on being such for as long as possible.

Neato!

Ok, Housewife2000 has a blog! I feel somehow...modern.