Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Frustration and fear

I am incredibally frustrated right now. Bigguy is feeling better, but not yet 100%, so he is whiny and upset, and still generally icky. Littleman is now starting to get under the weather, and on top of that gets his six month immunizations tomorrow, so he will be a crank. Hubby is dealing with his Kidney stones and alternating between happy and hurting, and my M.I.L. has taken the whole passinve agressive thing to a whole new level/artform. Defunct-Dad and Evil-step-mom piss me off more and more daily, and right now all I want to do is go outside and scream at the top of my lungs!!!!...but i cannot. It as after ten at night, the neighbors would call the police.

I am serriously thinking about trying to write a book. I have characters running around in my head, bits and peices of monologue, diologue and narration, settings, all sorts o' litterary stuff floating around. Whenever I go to actually start writing or typing, however, I freeze. I fear that I will put hard work, time, effort, sweat, blood and tears into this piece of work, and no one will want to publish or read it. I know that this happens to people, and I understand that. But is it worth me losing sleep over to try? I have two boys and a husband, the only time I really have to myself is nap time and bedtime. would it be worse to try and fail or never try at all and not know. Mabe I won't fail, maybe I'll become a bestseller, maybe I'll get a multi book deal and a financial future for my kids out of it, but I won't know unless I try, and I am afraid to make that choice right now. What if I'm awful? what if I'm not....

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