Thursday, April 07, 2005

facing one's past self, and how that shapes the future

Hubby would one day like to have a daughter. I am of many minds on this, namely, we have two sons, three is a lot of children. We have no way of knowing if the third will be a girl, and I do not see myself having more than three. I do not want to have anymore children until we are more financially stable. And this is all under the assumption that my body will allow us to have any more children, since the two I do have are miraculous enough(I have polycystic ovary syndrome, concieving ain't supposed to be easy) However, these are not my biggest concerns. My biggest concern is that if we do have a girl, she will be just like I was.
I did many things in my youth that a very kind friend of mine terms as unfortunate, being I am not that nice, I'll call it like it was. I did many stupid ass things in my teens and very early twenties. (Mom the hipple might just blow a gasket when she reads this, sorry) I was in more than one abusive relationship, and for reasons I cannot fully fathom, I did not go to my family for help, even though they would have understood, I either rode it out under the misguided notion I could change him if I loved him enough or I went to friends. I made really poor relationship desicions, and probably threw away some really good things out of fear they would go bad, while staying with the bad in hopes it would turn good. I lied to my family and freinds about where I was and whatI was doing, snuck out, and did other things that couldv'e put my life in danger had I been with the wrong people at the wrong times. I am very lucky I was not hurt more than I was.Up until hubby, who is a very good guy, I was engaged too three different people, an married once, that lasted less than a year until the sepperation. I slept around, I cheated, I hurt people. There are times that I am amazed, and thank whatever powers that be, that I was not pregnant sooner, and that I did not contract an STD. I am lucky enough that when I did get pregnant, I had an amazingly understanding and supportive Mom and Step-dad in mom the hipple and cool jazzcat, and that I was with a man who stepped up and took responsibility willingly and gladly, and loves me and His children like no other. I am afraid that my daughter, if I ever haveone will be just like me, and I won't know how to help her make wise desicions. That she will not be as lucky as I was in having support when she finally asks, or going into therapy when she sees the problems in herself. I am afraid that any luck that I had will have been used up, and not available to her.
I am afraid that my relationship with my mom and step dad are not as good as they should be because of what I did, and I will never know. I am afraid that my daughter will not come to me for the same reasons I didn't go to Mom, stupid superficial fears. I am afraid that she will hurt me the same wa I hurt my mom. It is odd, at times, to be able to look back, and compare it to where I am now. To know that when I was twenty I had none of this, and would not have it if I was still who I was then. It is amazing to me that I have two small children dependant on me for damn near everything, and that they love me immensly and unconditionally, and to them I am the greatest thing in the world because I am Momma. I don't want to fuck this up, like I have so many things in my past. I don't want to stear them down the wrong paths. I want them tobe able to come to me with any problem because I've probably been there and done that, but I don't want them to know that I was there, did that.
I have a husband who accepts and loves me inspite of knowing all my past. I have a family who still loves me, inspite of all I have put them through. I may not have much money, a new car, a fancy house, or designer clothes and jewelry, but I am most likely the luckiest woman in the world right now. I have so much that money cannot buy. I have so uch that I didn;t think I would ever have or deserved. I have stability, family, love, accaptence, friends. Life is good now, but it was ahrd to get here, and I don't want my current or future children to feel they had to take the road I did.

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