Monday, August 25, 2008

as long as I have them...

I woke up miserably early this morning. OK, 7:30 isn't all that miserable, but when you were unable to fall asleep until after 4, it sucks. I was alternating between periods of insomnia, hot flashes (have had none for two weeks, was hoping it was it) and painful twinges predicting a kidney stone. I feel like shit- absolute shit. If I am getting a kidney stone, I have water, painkillers, and a hubby who has been there and done that multiple times over. More than likely, I can avoid the doctor, and thus avoid spending money we don't have, just to have someone tell me to drink water, take painkillers, and rest. The only time that a kidney stone warrants a Dr visit is if you are in extreme pain, and need someone to give you drugs, or if the dang things get stuck somewhere, and need help breaking down, getting out. In the last case, trust me, you know you need to see a Dr, now, and no amount of being stoic, or broke, for that matter, will stop you.

Anywho- it is ass early, I feel like shit, so I do the reasonable thing- paying bills, budgeting, etc... Yeah, nothing makes you feel better than trying to sit down and figure out a budget when you are broke. Three kids eat a lot, drink a lot of milk, and so on. We are managing, but I honestly have no clue where we would be right now if not for friends and family. I am facing, point blank, that life sucks, early in the morning, in pain, and feeling rather pitious. I am trying not to cry, as even though I know everything should be all right, it doesn't feel all right at the moment. In short, I was three seconds away from becoming one hot mess.

I figured I had some time to pull my shit together, and not freek anyone out, as I am The Strong One in the family/house and the kids do not handle me anything other than mom-like well. That is when I hear it, the pitter pat of little feet, and the thuddathuddathudda of little feet that are now jumping on the upstairs wood floor.
OK, Housewife- time to pull it together-go and get the kids.
Ahh, a moment of foresite cuts through the pain and pity- if I make their breakfast before I bring them downstairs, the morning will run smoother (insert laugh track here). I pop two waffles into the toaster (and God be praised the grocery store that has toaster waffles in their weekly specials for cheep when money is tight!) go upstairs, and am met at the bedroom door with...
Two angelic, beaming, faces. two little boys who are so happy to see me thay shout out Momma! Good Morning Momma, Love you Momma, and reach up for hugs and kisses.

Currently, Thor and Loki are sitting at the table, eating toaster waffles and drinking milk. Hermes is at a sleepover with his bestest friend.
Thor and Loki do not know how much their not caring that I look like crap, not caring that I am barely keeping shit together, not caring about anything other than that their Momma got them out of bed this morning made my day.

As long as I have them, Thor, Loki, and Hermes (who even though he isn't here, makes my day better, fustrating, but better, every day) I am OK. As long as I have them, I can see that I did something right, something good, and see that I have something to work for.
I may be in debt now, but I will get out of it. I may not have a great job now, but I am changing majors, restarting school this winter, and in a few years I will.
Life may suck for me at the moment, and I still do my best to hide from everyone, including Hubby, that it hits me as hard as it does, but for them, the boys, they don't care. They have what they need, and they are fine. They love me if I feed them generic peanutbutter and jelly on store brand bread just as much as if I feed them Uncrustables, by SMuckers. They don't care that their clothes are from thrift shops, orthe clearance rack at wallmart, that I compulsively clp coupons, that Ramen is cheap, and if I add chicken and veggies, almost healthy, about any of that, they just want to see their Momma in the morning, cuddle before breakfast, play before quiet time, and get a bed time story at night.
If I still have them, it is fine.

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