self-doubt, self-assurance

I was filled with self-doubt, angst, hurt, confusion, and I don't know what all else this morning. I was so certain when I went to bed last night that I would be in full blown labor when the sun rose...instead, I was stumbling, half asleep, into the bathroom, to pee. Yesterday morning, I went to the hospital with regular, strong, contractions. When they checked me, they saw no change from my friday appointment. After an hour or so of walking the floor, there was still no change in my cervix, and ultimately I was sent home. I am in this wierd limbo-land where my body is trying to do something, but it isn't working. My Dr is still of the oppinion that my body knows what it is up to, and that everything is fine. The lack of sleep and rapidly deteriorating mental state are not reasons enough to induce, since everything else is beautiful. My having a medical history of getting stuck in early stage labor means nothing if I am able to withstand the contractions. Basically, unless I am in unbearable pain, they won't do anything for me yet.
Friday morning I have another appointment with Dr B, and we will talk much more then. I will be at 39 weeks on monday, and I know that elective inductions can be done at that point. I am still unsure if that is the route that I want to go, but I am possitive I do not want to be pregnant anymore...this has surpassed the point of normal pregnancy discomfort by quite a bit.

On the plus side, as the day progresses, I am feeling more sure of myself and my body again. It is frustrating, yes, but it is serving some sort of purpose, otherwise there would have to be issues present. It is funny, though, that two weeks ago we were worried about having to induce early, and now we are wondering how much longer this kid is gonna stick around for.

My father-in-law has been a huge help through all of this, oddly enough. He has been very good with the boys, very patient with me and Hubby, and very understanding that just because I go to the hospital doesn't mean I will be leaving with a baby.

For the people who were not called and notified that I went to the hospital yesterday-- I decided that, with the exception of the FIL(who picked up the boys for the day), that until I was checked into a room, and had some sort of certainty (water break, IV, etc...) that I was going to be having the kid, that wer won't make calls, I don't need people getting all excited just because I am in triage. However, if my water does spontaniously break, or things elevate to the point of no return, everyone will be notified in a timely manor before the babe comes, and after the babe is born.