OMG, POTTY!!!!

Total potty count for Loki for christmas day- 3, yes folks, three! ONce at my mom's and twice at home after a rediculously long nap. He asked/told us at home, as well, it wasn't a case of changing pants in the bathroom and asking 'cause the opportunity was there, like at my mom's. No, Loki walked up, said "Potty please, NOW!!!" we ran in, sat him down, and viola! Pee, in the potty!

We had two more trips last night, and one so far today.

Can you tell that I have been dealing with daipers/pull-ups for the last 7.5 years? Seriously, Hermes was at the tail end of training when Thor was born, and Thor is in the 'stay one step ahead of Loki" stage of training.

Seriously, I will be done with daipers in all their forms, other than 'goodnight pants"** in a few months or so...WOOHOO!!!



***Goodnight pants are essentially pull-ups for overnight. They are designed in brief style for younger boys (think 4 and under) and in 'boxer' styles for boys 4 and up. Loki shouldn't need tham for too long, if at all, but with Thor's sensory issues, he will not wake up if he has to use the potty, and this way, we will not be changing sheets so often, and hey look and feel more like boxer briefs than a pull-up.

It's Chrsitmas!

Christmas day has, so far, been awesome. Chrsitmas at my mom's was smaller this year, but in many ways that made it better. There was a lot more thought put into the gifts, and everyone really seemd to enjoy what the recieved. The adult kids gift exchange had a smaller limit this year, but we were stil able to get everyone what they really wanted. I got Buppy to movies she really wanted, plus an awesome dragon calander, Hubby got an illistrated guide to his favorite book series, My step-bro got me an "Omg! Ponies" shirt which I will undoubtedly wear to death, and Hubby got the future BIL two pair of much needed gloves. The boys got awesome presents from everyone, clothing, books, toys, all of it appreciated. Right now, Thor is napping with the giant stuffed Elmo that santa brought him, an Elmo that went every where with us today, even wearing a sweat jacket out and about, as Thor did not want him to get cold, Loki is sleeping with the stuffed pup he got from one of his brother's last night. Hermes is currently playing with his Pirate themed Lego set he got from his Auntie Sistah Girl (who loved the coloing book I got her- yes, we are an odd family, why?

There was an odd thing that occured with gifts this year. One of the smaller items Hermes got from Santa was a Capt'n Jack Sparrow action figure, yesterday, he got a large Pirates of the Carribean coloring set, 8 markers, 4 twistable crayons, and 20 large coloring sheets, and then he got the Pirate lego set from Sistah Girl. He is really happy about all of these, as he can assemble his legos, set up the posters he colos around it,m and have Capt'n Jack as a giant over the legos. Smart kid.

A few things really stand out for me from today. It was a really enjoyable breakfast, first off. Loki behaved as well as can be expected from a two year old on Christmas. Hermes was as patient as you can expect a 7 year old to be, and Thor di amazingly well, making sure to wish everyone a Marrr-ee Christsmasts! One of the gifts Hubby and I recieved from Mom-the hipple and Cool-jazz dad was a Mandarin Chinese Immersion set, so that we can actually understand Hermes, and help him with school stuff.

One of the greatest gifts, though, was a non tangible. Loki peed on the potty at Mom's. I am thrilled, as this means that come this time next year (sooner actually, but I don't want to jynx it) I will be done with daipering all together!! No more stinky pants for me!

One of the other great things, every thing ran smoothely, everyone was hppy, there were no dissapointments, so snark, no fights, it was just a good, relaxing day.

I needed that after yesterady, when everything was running a good hour and a half later than we were told, so Loki was overtired, Thor was melting down repeatedly before dinner was even served, and it was jsut tense for Hubby and I. I came home from that, spent about n hour being numb, another hour crying, and some more time fuming, before BIL and SIL came over to do a gift exchange (HellBoy II: the Golden Army dvd...yeah!) and then I whipped out all the santa presents, and wrapped all the gifts that were going to moms.

I am slowly doing the post holiday clean up and sorting of gifts. I am having an amazing day so far today, much better than I have had, holiday wise, in years, and I want it to last.

Oh- and something ultra heartwarming. Troll Who Lives Under The STairs, AKA Friend (who doesn't actually live under our stairs, nor is he a troll) Is working today, 8am to 6pm. While at work, there was a alrge family waiting for their photo order to be complete. He runs the photo area. After he completed their order, they thanked him profusely for working today, and handed him a Christmas card. Inside was a $10 gift card for Target.
Total strangers, being nice to retial folk. That is part of Christmas too.

5:30 does not equal 7

So, I had a really long post started. I realized that it was upsetting me more, instead of calming me down.
I will update after tomorrow, when I will have had a good experience to offset my evening tonight.

Toshibasaurus

So, I have a temporary laptop solution in the guise of the ToshibaSaurus.
The Toshibasaurus is one of my father-in-laws older laptops. To gove you an idea of how old it is, it was running WindowsME. Yeah.
I found my XP discs and am in the process of running the longest upgrade EVAH.
Once this is done, I will have a mostly functional laptop.
Not a permanent solution by any means, but something that will definitely work until we can afford a new laptop, probably around tax return time.

There are a few rather valid reasons on why the ToshibaSaurus is not a good long term fix. A) it is ancient in laptop years, a good 8 years old, if not more. It has limited hard drive and memory space. It does have wireless internet, as long as I make sure the wireless adapter card is securely plugged in. Did I mention that, among ither things, this laptop still has a floppy drive? Yeah, it's takes the 3.2s (the ones that I always confused as 'hard disks' when I was younger, as I grew ip on the day of the floppy, actually physicly bendy, 5.whatever floppy disks, as opposed to the hard plastic cased, smaller but holds more data, 3.whatevers)
The batterry only hold a charge for about half an hour, unless you leave it plugged in for roughly a week before running it on just battery power, so I really need to be close to an outlet to use it for any amount of time. The keyboard is missing a few keys, and so on.

It is slow, cumbersome, and unattractive, but it works for now. It will help greatly to get me through my first quarter of school, and after that, I can transfer all my info onto my (hopefully) new, shimy, sleek, effective laptop.

Hopefully.

Toys for Tots

To everyone out there in internet land who has donated to Toys for Tots, this year or previous years, thank you. There are so many people that you are bringing Christmas to that you may never know. Some of these people have had recent hardship, and are working their way out, and Christmas scared the shit out of them, some have had longer standing hardships, and see no way out, but either way, you are bringnig Santa into the lives of their kids, you are the true spirit of Christmas to the older kids, those who have outgrown Santa, and to the adults who have to request the toys, you are proving that despite what we were led to believe, Santa does exist.

Thank you to the Marines, who for going on 60 years have spent time and energy bringing the vision of one man and his wife to liffe. Thank you to the news stations that get the word out, thank oyu to the orginizations that get the toys out.

If you can, please, drop a toy in the bins when you are out and about. Do not forget about the older kids, either, as Toys for Tots distributes gifts for those of up to 16 years of age. Some state have a tech for teens or toys for teens program geared specifically for older kids.
Drop some change in the red buckets with the bell ringers if you can, as you may be giving someone food and heat.
I know that times for everyone are hard, but if you can spare anyhting to make it a little easier for someone with less than you, this year is the year to do so.
For those who have, thank you, for those who want, help is coming, and for those who cannot, but need not, it will be OK, too.

seriously, no really...

Loki hs the Death Cold!!!
I have not had more than three days in the last MONTH where one of the kids in housewifeland has not been flinging snot.
I know that does not sound attractive, but it could not sound worse than what is happenning around here. See, the unique thing about having three kids, is that different colds have different incubation periods. This means that it is totally pssible for all three of them to have one type of cold at the same time, then have one ofthem get a new cold, then pass it on down the line.

When Hermes is sick, he is either bemoaning how icky he feels, and become a hermit in his room, emerging only for sustenance and cuddles, or he insists that he feels juuuuust fine, and why can't he (insert any number of things that is unacceptable to do while ill)

When Thor is ill, he want's momma. Maybe he want's poppa, too. Thor just wants to be snuggled, given warm food and drink, and put to bed swaddled (and try swaddling a humungous 4 year old!) when he is sick.

Loki, though. Loki will run away from you when he is ill, you may try to feed him, or change him, or make him feel better, or do something that would make him want to rest, and dangit, he is a man on the move- no time for being ill. He is soooo crabby that he will whine or cry almost contantly until he is better, he will even wimper and whine in his sleep.
Out of all of my kids, I dread him being ill most of all. Yeah, Thor cannot tell us what he needs, but we can generally figure it out. Yeah, Hermes gets annoying, but we can send him to his room. Loki, well, I will be chock full of frazzled nerves by the end ofthe day, but once he is better, he will smile, and cuddle, and thank me, and tell me he loves me, and I am no longer mad until the next time.

Thanksgiving, Libraries, and school

Today is Black Friday...dunhdunhDUNHHHHH!!! The only thing I plan on purchasing today is milk and pull-ups. Seriously, I am happy if I don't even leave the house on Black Friday, as I have put in my time on the front lines, working at a toy store, as a teenager. Never again.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
I was able to see someone be honestly and openly thankful last night. Hubby's step-aunt has two sons. Both of them are military boys. One was recently released, the other is being stationed in Texas for a month and a half between tours of duty way out east.
For the first time in YEARS she has both of her boys home, and safe, for Thanksgiving, and they will both be there for Christmas, too.
I have many things I am thankful for, but I don't think that it comes close to matching her level of thanks, of peace of mind, of security. These are all things she hasn't gotten to feel on a holiday for a long time.
She totally supports the troops, obviously, as do we. She does not support the war, but being her sons are in, and were in, the troops, often times on the front lines, having them in one piece was the best thing she could ever receive.

Libraries- My fair city has a rather extensive library system. I live right near one of their branches. Years ago, I had a library card for Fair city, but I let it lapse.
Last night, I was checking out their on-line card catalog, and thinking "Damn, Housewife, there are all sorts of good books and movies that you could get from your library, and once you are in school, all sorts of good resources. You should really get a new library card. Even though some of the books you want to reserve have a wit time, you can at least get on the list!"
Lo- Not only could I get on the list, but I could actually sign up for my card, on-line! All I have to do is bring my ID and proof of address down to the library, and they will print it out! Since I was able to sign up on-line, and since I am a Fair City resident, I was given a temporary card-number so that I was able to request the books that I want, being put on the list for two of them, and having the third shipped to me branch from a different one.
Damn! I love the public library system, and cannot believe I was not using it for so long.

School- I start in less than a month. In a few weeks I turn thirty. By the time I graduate, I will be in the 34ish range, and 35 or 36 if I want to get my CPA. I am surprisingly OK with this.
I am nervous, excited, nervous, pleased, and nervous.

I am also trying to figure out if there is any way in hell that I will be able to obtain a laptop.

Edumacation

So, in a month and a half, shortly after the major holiday hustle is over, I start working towards my Bachelors in Accounting.
It will be a long road, and I am seriously hoping that I can manage to cram four years of schooling down into three, so that I can start working right after Loki starts kindergarten.
In reality, I will be happy to finish in four, as that would still be full time, and I have three kids, and other stuff to do, nothing resembling a life mind you, 'casue if commercials are to be believed, the only life a mom has is her family.....
That's a topic for another post, though.

Oldest lost another tooth

...quite literally.
Oldest had a tooth last night that was so loose it guarenteed a trip from the Tooth Fairy. About 15 minutes after we sent him up to wind down for the night (we send him to bed an hour before bedtime, he may read, play, watch TV, whatever, it's just 'him' time) he came downstairs to tell us he lost his tooth, and show us the gap.
Yay! Where is the tooth so we can put it in the Tooth Fairy pillow that hangs on the door?
No, I lost it.

He was sitting on a rubbermaid bin, playing and watching TV at the same time (oooh, the mltitasking) when all of a sudden, without him wiggling it, it fell out of his mouth, and into his pile of Legos. He jumped up, kicking the pile of many Legos and one tooth in the process, and the tooth is now nowhere to be found.

I looked, he looked, Hubby looked, cannot find the tooth.

Oldest was rather concerned that the Tooth Fairy would not come. We assured him that the TF would come. He asked if the TF would cdome again when he found his tooth. We explained that it doesn't work that way. She will either come that same night, or when/if you find the tooth, but not both.
Being a kid, he opted for the same night (smart kid, do you know how hard it is to find a baby tooth that goes missing? I lost one at my dad's once, about three months before they moved. We never found it, not even when they did a thourough deep clean to get their rent deposit back!).
Oldest asked what happens when he does find the tooth.
Quick thinking on my part, coupled with my brain to mouth filter not working lately, caused me to blurt out that when we find it, we will let the TF know, and then ship it to Tooth Fairy Central.

I was expecting him to question this, as he questions everything. I was expecting him to ask why she wouldn't just pick it up when she got his next tooth, which is already loose, or why she couldn't just find it in his room?
Nope, he just looks at me and says "OK, momma, that makes sense."

Seriously, loyal readers, I was o shocked by this that as soon as he went back up stairs, I looked at Hubby and said "I cannot believe he bought that!" Hubby looked back and said "I know!"

Now, I just have to brace myself for the questions regarding Tooth Fairy Central.

In other Oldest news, he came downstairs the other daus and asked if Santa was real. I asked why, and he explained that some kids at his school say there is a Santa, some say it's just your parents.
I aksed him what he believed, and he told me that he believed Santa was real. I told him that if that was what he thought, then Santa was indeed real.

Once again, I cannot believe he bought it, and didn't question.

I have a feeling that when he gets older, and learns that the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa, and any other number of things (like the Dirty Room Demon (don't ask)) are not real, per se, but parental and sociatal constructs used to trick small children into behaving in exchange for treats, money, candy, and gifts, he is going to be majorly pissed off. Not because they are not real, but because we led him to believe in something so illogical.

conferences

We had conferences for Hermes last night. We also set up his IEP for speech. He will have speech therapy two times a week, in half hour doses. After a month or so, they will adjust as needed. He will also be in a one-on-one setting for at elast the first month-and-a-half to two months.

Conferences:
Well, he is smart. Being in second grade, he has to do the state mandated standardizd testing. For reading, he scored fairly average for his grade level for the begining of the school year- let's take into account he has been in full Mandarin immersion ubtil this year, his English teacher also said that she is certain he is at least a full grade level above that.
In math, he is scoring average- for a third grader- half way through the school year.
Take into account, second grade, begining of school year, oh, and did I mention he was home sick the two days before he tested, not yet at %100 when he tested?

Basically, Hermes is very, very smart, he has some social/behavioural issues that are exactly what you would expect for a second grader, and less thatn what you would expect when you take into account that he is a YOUNG second grader (summer birthday, will turn eight between second and third grade, if he skips no grades, he will not turn 18 until a few weeks AFTER graduation.)

It went well, he is having less behaviour issues than last year, especially after we explained to him that you cannot refuse to do school work, especially not when you are at school.
He is listening better, interacting better, and we all expect to see HUGE improvements once he is speaking better.

I voted

I voted, did you?
Pleasantly, I was in and out in about twenty minutes.
MN still uses the fill in the bubble and feed the slip into the machine forms, so I know that I am credited with the correct votes.
I got my fabulous red 'I Voted' sticker, and I will wear it with pride all day long.

Please, if you are able to, get out and vote. Yes, you may have to stand in lines, but at least we have beautiful weather.
Yes, people will be cranky, but at least their voices are being heard.
If you care about your future, my future, the kids future, vote.

Hermes made sure to tell me this morning that I needed to vote, if a seven year old remembers, certainly you can.

Enough with the ads already!

I wake up exta early this morning, to six solid minutes of political ads on the radio. I hop up, turn the radio off, and flip on the TV to check the weather and traffic, just in time for another 6 minutes od campaign ads.
In the car ride this morning, to get Hubby to work, I had to change the station on the radio rougly every 10 minutes to avoid, you guessed it, minutes upon minutes of political ads.

Seriously, I am so done with this.

I want to be able to have background noise on without hearing what Coleman, Franken, McCain, Obama, and the dreaded Bachman did. Is that too much to ask?

I know that it it s scant handful of days until the election. I know that this is one of the biggest elections EVAH!!! But I just want some freedom from it all.

four months ago today

Four months ago, at about this time, I was in a hospital room, out of the mass recovery room, after having my hysterectomy.
I am doing pretty good.
My incision scars itch, one in particular more than the others, but I have been told by everyone that this is normal, and with where the scar is (right side of abdomen, going through some stretch marks) that it will always itch off an on.
My ovaries are mostly functioning, they are still a little sluggish- I still have the occasional hotflash, then a week later, I will be all PMS-y. I used to have cramps to warn me when it was coming, now, I just get cranky, cravey, and water retainy.
I am not sore anymore. I don't think I can adequately explain just how awesome not hurting is. I still have aches and pains, but I do.not.hurt.

I have a bunch more stuff to talk about, like ragaling the story of our plumbing, and other things, but it has to wait, as kids call.

seriously...

You know it's sad when a friend asks what you are going to dress up as for Halloween, and specifies that it should be something different than what you are in a daily basis, and your reply is "A well put together, efficiant, stay at home mom."

Thor is four!!!

Todqay, Thor, my middle son, is 4 years old.
Yesterday, we had a special dinner, and we had cake. The closest we could get him to understand was that it was, and I quote Thor here "Happy Birthday to you for me to eat, cake!"
Same with the presants, he was happy to get them, but he is so fuzzy on the concept of birthdays, and how they apply to him, that I think that we could habe done nothing, and it wouldn't have mattered to him.

At 4, we are partially potty trained, which for a normal 4 year old isn't all that much, but for him, on the spectrum and with sensory issues, is HUGE. When given a choice, he will consistantly choose training pants over a pull up, and will even wear his Elmo uderwear on some days, a major feat, as he will only wear them on days where he is confident he can urinate and defecate on the toilet, as he will not risk gettin Elmo wet or soiled.

At 4, he is talking more. If he cannot come up with the word he needs, or cannot say the word he needs (due to texture reasons, mostly) he may use 18 words to say something simple, like "I need more mmmmm nummy milk for the drinking at nappy time please" instead of "Could I have more milk please" or even "Fill my sippy cup"
At 4, he will talk alot if allowed to sing or ad a -y sound to the end of words. Nap time is nappy time, dinner or lunch or breakfast is "food for the eaty time" but he is learning.
Sometimes, it is like living with a larger Yoda.

He laughs all the time. Everything as funny. He apologizes for everything,. We don't even know what, half of the time, he will just walk up, give a hug, and say "Oh, Boo Sorry!"

He gets very upset if things are not done right, although 'right' is a flexable concept we will never understand. Sometimes the pants need to go on first, sometimes the socks, sometimes we have to wear shorts under the pants.

He has no idea yet that he is different from other kids. No clue that how he plays more closely resembles a three year old than a 4 year old. No clue that he doens't speak right, that not every kids needs to have things done in a certain way, that not every kid gets the option of running around mostly naked just because we canno0t find any clothes today that don't make us freak out.

He is also a very typical 4 year old. He gets into trouble, throws tantrums on occasion, gets out in time out. Granted, he will 'trade' his time out with Loki. He gets into Hermes room, and decided that it is all his.

I do not know any more now than I did 2 years ago, when he was first diagnosed, what the future holds for him. I know that I will always do my best by him, though, and I will always be there for him. I know that it is normal for parents with kids like mine ti need a vacation from their kid, and to feel guilty forn eeding it.
I know that he loves me, and he doens't care that some days I am a hot mess. I am momma, and Momma is good.
I know he loves Hubby, even though somedays Hubby can be a flaming asshole, as he isPoppa, and Poppa is great.

therapists and anxiety

Last night, I met with my new therapist for the first time. I explained what has been going on with me, which is not something I have discussed here too much.
I have been having anxiety attacks of the panic variety. They have been increasing their frequency over the last year, and sinse I couldn't logic them into not happenning, nor could I logic their being around, I sought help.
Therapist is pretty awesome. I need to find her a name other than Lucy Liu, who she reminds me of, I'll work on that.
She let me know that if there isn't an underlying issue, like depression, and frankly, even if there is, that stopping them probably won't happen, but we went over many techniques to mitigate how bad they are, to help me finnction better in between times, and stuff like that.
I don't see her again for a month, as we would like to see if I have another attack or two in between now and then, which, if the pattern holds, I will.

I have a few assignments between now and then, however-
I am to keep a daily journal, even if it's jotted down before bed like this - DATE_ everything went OK. She would like more detail in it over time, but she understands that I am a busy mother.
I am to keep an anxiety journal- not of daily anxiety, but if I do have an attack, or just more than normal anxiety levels that interfere with daily life, I am to stop, write down the time, what I was doing, what everyone else was doing around me, the condition of my house, things that are on my to-do list, etc...basically, we are looking to see if the factors causing this are external (bills, messiness, something on TV, etc) or internal (stress, depression, OCD, what have you)
I am to meditate and work on meditation techniques- relaxation, deep breething, justb eing her and now.
I am also to try and limit myself to one hour of politics a day, with exceptions to be made for debates, etc... This ine is just for my immediate mental health, as I am rather worked up over tis election, and I will freely admit that.
I am to do research online about anxiety, bipolar, depression, and biological components of mental health. Having a bipolar sister, and some history of depression in my family pretty much means I will not come through the mental health windmill unscathed. She wants me to see if I notice anything about myself that raises alarm bells, she want me to understand the links, and she also let me know that some people have anxiety issue based on control- and not having enough, feeling like htings are out of their hands, etc... the more I am educated, the more control I may feel I have.
Another one, and she said that this is temporary, just while we work on everyhting else, she only wants me in school half to 3/4 time. She does not want me to go full time until we either work on my perfectionism in school thing, or I have the kids in preschool or not around 24/7 There is no reason for me to add stress to my life if I don't have to. School is good, wanting to better myself is good- taking on too much at once is setting meself up for stress, turmoil, and more attacks.

oh dear god

Tomorrow, I go to the knit out with my mom, then clean her place. I don't think I've looked foword to something so much in a long time. Hubby has been working alot lately, the kids all have some new found autonomy, and I am being driving mad.
Between Hermes' "Mo-ommm, the kids are (insert whiny complaint here)" Loki and Thor's new found ability to traverse the house freely, since they can now open the gates, and everything else, I have never needed 6-7 kid free hours more in my life!

With all love and respect.

I love my sister. I think she is great! She knows I love her, and she knows I respect her.
I almost laughed so hard earlier today that I peed myself.
Someone commented to me that Palin being VP would be akin to my sister running the country.
Granted, this person does not know my sister, and my sister would not be bad at running the country, per se, but seriously.
I don't vote for someone because they are loke me, or like a family member. I vote for someone because their political beliefs are near mine, because I think they will help make the best future for my kids, etc... Not because I could sit around and talk shop with them.
My sister would not be the person to run the country, but then, neither am I.

Yet another thing I never thought I would say.

"Loki, don't play with the cat when you are naked!"

When Anxiety Attacks! Next on Fox!!!

So, anxiety, when productive or anticipated, like before an important event, big meeting, or somesuch, is not a terrible thing.
When it hits you out of nowhere, it is odd.
When it hits you out of nowhere on more than one occasion, it is damn scdary.
When there starts to be a pattern of it happenning, for no apparent reason, maybe it is time to see someone about it.

Why, PETA, why?

I breastfed all three boys, each for a different length of time. I produced a fair amount of breastmilk for a mom of a singleton, but not enough to make, oh...a gallon of icecream a day.
Why would I ever wonder about how much breastmilk could be tunred into icecream? Because PETA fricken sent a letter to Ben and Jerry's, they of the environmentally frieldny containers houseing icecream made with organic hormone free milk and other goodness, yeah, PETA wront them a letter suggesting they replace the cows milk in their icecream with breastmilk. Apparently, the processes to make a dairy cow produce dairy is cruel, but it would be perfectly acceptable to what, ask women to make icecream instead of feeding their children, keep pumping long after they are done breasdfeeding in order to make icecream...explain please, PETA.
It is unacceptable to wear or eat animals, it is however acceptable to have naked women pose for your campaigns, women who are generally below the average weight in this society, BTW, and it's what? acceptable to substitute women for cattle? No, wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

Oh, yes, more kvetchng!

This time, though, it is not about being ill, which I am, and it sucks donkeys, no, this is about politics, again!
I have a few friends who hold differring political beliefs than I do. That is fine, normally it isn't an issue.
This election season, though, it is an issue.
Serisoully, how can anyone think that Palin and Mccain will be better than Biden and Obama, and evem more seriously, folks, how can ANYONE take Colemans anti-Franken commercials seriously- yes, they show him swearing and yelling and swearing some more, and they quote him from his book. Need I remind people that Franken is A)A comedian, B) is a sometimes inflammatory commedian, and C) the information you are using in the quotes is all 4-7 year old. Cmon!

Palin is not the right choice for VP, McCain isn't the right choice for PRes, and We have a chance to boot Coleman.

Do not tell me that their fiscal policies make up for the fact that they like the war, and want to remove any control we have over our reproductive choices, don't!
Don't tell me that Palin is in any way shape size or formed even remotely qualified, don't!
Don't tell me I am getting all of my information from the liberal media, as I have even been watching FOX fucking news chanel, and watching the conservatives say without saying that Palin and McCain are not the way to go.
ARRRGGGHHHHHH!

The inequity and inequality of illness

I, as many of you know, and those who don't know, look at the freakin' title of the blog!, and a stay at home mom, a housewife, an....whatever else you want to call it.
I am, right this very moment, sick. Sinus infection, mostly, a little upper respiratory infection thrown in for pizazz, and some late season allergies, just in case the rest of it wasn't enough.
This all means that since Thursday, I have felt like shit, utter and total shit, and with a few moments where I start to think I might be starting to get better, I am actually getting worse.
I am getting worse because things keep piling up.
When it was just the sinus infection, I felt like crap, but I could deal. When the URI krept in, started sleeping for shit, but I could still function. Throwing the allergies into the mix was the last straw, though. After cooking dinner last night, I was near the point of collapse, and filled with rage, all at the same time!
This came about for a few reasons- I can take cold and sinus meds, or allergy meds- but not both, as they interact to make me an emotional time bomb...it's true. Maybe making a dinner that required me to brown hamburger and boil water at the same time while sick was a bad idea. Especially sine I cannot friggen breathe. Oh, technically I can breathe, as I am not dead yet, but if the sinusses let up enought to start to clear, the allergies back them up, if they both let off, the coughing fits the URI bring is enough to stop the sinusses again.
Last night, I was cooking, with a fever.
By the time dinner was done, I was shaking, couching, having a running nose, and nausea was hitting me like...well...I don't know what.

With all that lovely backstory, I am not going to explain why illness is chock full of inequity and inequality.
I stay at home.
I do not get a day off.
If I am sick, I cannot lay in bed all day, having people ring me soup, and expecting the workd to carry on without me.
Most stay at home parents are familier with this-most parents in general.
If Hubby gets sick, it is in our best financial interest to get him healthy again ASAP- which means I watch the kids, I make him soup, I make sure he gets rest.
If any of the Pantheon are sick, they always want their momma before their poppa, I am the one staying home with them, nursing them back to health, and being exposed to all their germs- I am the one changing sick toddler pants, cleaning upafter up to three kids worht of vomit, wiping noses, getting beverages, etc- as Hubby is at work. By the time he is home, they are going to eat dinner, and go to bed.

When I, the primary caregiver, is sick, I still have to take care of everyone, make dinner so it is served at a reasonable hour, take care of the kids, all the while snaitizing the hell out of myself and them, so they don't get sick, and carryong on like there is nothing wrong, other than my every particle hurting, caughing constantly, carrying around kleenex like it is my lifesavor, etc.
I do not get to rest. This means I am sick for longer, this means the illnesses strike me worse, and so on.
Yes, there are people I could ask to come over and help, but I need my house to be clean to be comfy having these people over, and I risk exposing people to shit I would not wish on my ex-husband, let alone someon I care about. My kids would be upset when the people had to leave, thus making my life harder, and so on.
I could ask Hubby to stay home- but wait- primary bread winner, cannot do that.
I could ask the MIL to come over after work....wait- let me finish laughing at how much of a bad idea that is, as she isn't calming.
I could ask my mom- see aforementioned house needing to be cleaned, and not wanting to get sick, add in a little bit of her having classes three days a wekk, and me not wanting to get all of them sick in for flair.

Yes, I am being whily, but if Hubby were sick, I would be busting my ass to take care ofhim, if any of the pantheon were sick, I would be busting my ass to take care of them- instead, I am cleaning, as it needs to be done, I am working, as we can always use a little extra money, I am organizing a list of everything I have to do this week, as mym ind is shot, and I am trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do with the boys all weekend long.
See, the other thing about being a homemaker- we do not get a day off, no sick days, no weekends, no paid holidays, we are always on the clock 24\7. Now add in the joy of overtimne. Hubby needs to overtime, as A) we can always use the money, and B) he and I really want him to get this job permanently, and not just long term temp. The more work that he does as a temp, the better the chance of them offerring him the possition, and what they are doing this week is necessarry, even thoug he was told he didn't have to be there, it was said in such a way as to make it clear he has to be there.

All I want to do right now is get better so that I can go to the knit out with my mom on sunday, the only day I will have for me this week. Also, conveniently enough, the only day I have to clean at her place this week, since Hubby works on saturday.,
Shit, even i I am feeling better, I probably won't get to go.

Super Shopper!!!

I went to the grocery store today. I forgot my coupons at home, but I remembered my list, the list that I wrote out very carefully with Hubby while sitting in front of the computer, checking out the stores weekly and 96 hour sale, add.
I walked out of the store having spent $52 and change, with a large printed area on my reciept letting me know I saved $35.06.
Folks, I got over 80 dollars worth of groceries, without coupons, for roughly 50, including 3 pounds of hamburger, coffee, and 5boxes of toaster waffles/nuker pancakes.

I rule. Once I remember my coupons, I will rule even more.

I must give credit to Mom The HIpple for a large portion of my ruleingness...ruleosity...rulesilliance...ummm, it's because of her that I rule
Mom passed the coupon-fu on to me at a yong age, and Mom, knowing we don't get the paper, gives me her coupons and ads. She also got me this awesome Mom's orginizer/calander that came with a grocery list and a coupon pocket- this means that I actually write a list, and that I grab the coupons I plan on using and a few possible coupons to use, unstead of bringing my coupon dis-organizer of doom!

The other secret to saving a lot of money at the grocery, shop while sick. Not contagious sick, as that is just cruel, but when you are sick, you are not hungry, food doean't taste right, and you want to get out of the store asap. Shopping while sick actually means you browse less, you get fewer off the list items, and if you do make an impulse buy, it is generally something like fresh fruit, fruit juice, or kleenex, not something like expensive ass icecream that is on sale, and chips.

The yellow zone is for loading and unloading only.

Attention, Attention! Would whom ever parked their sinus infection semi in my nose please remove it immediately. It is illegally parked, blocking major passages, and the owner of the nose would like to breathe again...thank you.

sometimes, things are just too good.

The last few drives to pick the Hubby up from work have been somewhat miserable. The younger two members of the Pantheon- Loki and Thor, have benn agitated in he car, to put it mildly- there nap schedule is off kilter. Thor does not physiclly need naps anymore, but he does mentally, and Loki, well, if he is sleeping, he is generally staying out of trouble. Add to this two hellacious colds, and they are miserable.

Tonight, however, was almost too good in the car. I believe I have mentioned before that Thor loves him some Gwe Staffani- her song Sweet Escape (the one with the woohoo yeehoo refrain) was on the radio, and he started singing, as he is wont to do Loki decided that it was his job to rock out, and picked up the woohoo yeehoo for Thor. Shortly thereafter, Bowie comes on- Changes. I had both boys singing along before too long. They had fun rockin' out with their mom- no fussing, and Thor got to be vocal for a while. It was good.

feelings about the campaign, and those nominated.

Sarah Palin scares the ever lovin' shit out of me. Something about her instills a fear into me that is almost primal. Maybe, it was her asertation that the Iraq war was a task from God, maybe, it is her political and environmental beliefs, and how fervent she is in them. Maybe, it's that she is anti-abortion/anti-birthcontrol and pro abstinence only education. It could be that the day after making a major speech at the RNC, decrying borkbarrel spending, a middleof the road news orginization did some fact checking nd found how much pork barrelling went on between her and McCain.

I don't know why, but she frightens me. On the oddly plus side, she is frightening alot of midline, undecided voters, and even some republican voters to the point that Obama and Biden's numbers are climbing, their fundraising is jumping, and people want to vote for them JUSt to keep Palin out of the white house.

first day of school, success!

Yesterday was Hermes' first day of school. It went really well, no time outs, no warnings. I think that is a great way to start the year.
Of course, this morning, we are getting the story about how he doesn't feel good. Why doesn't he feel good? Because he stayed up way too late last night, no matter what we said or did, we could not get him to behave, lay down, and sleep.
I woke his but up anyways, got him dressed (in long pants, long sleeve polo, and hoodie, if you can believe it! It's barely broken sixty yet today!) fed him breakfast, and by the time we had to leave for the bus, he was fine. I definately need to tow the line harder this year on trying to get him on a schedule. Instead of getting mad and snippy with him this morning, although I was mad, I explained when he was tired and icky feeling that the reason he felt this way waa BECAUSE he stayed up too late, not listening. His tummy hurt because he didn't sleep enough, and it is always going to be like that. I know, because if I don't get enough sleep, I feel like crap too I explained that we tell him to go to bed early, not to punish him, but to make sure that he gets enough sleep, so he doesn't get sick, and miss a lot of school. I also explained how much school he COULD miss before we had to go to the doctor each and every time he was home sick. I may have fudged on that one a little, but he understands.

Back to the good stuff, Hermes' bestest friend in the whole wide world rides the school bus with him. Most kids sit three to a seat, because there are three seatbelts per seat( yay a bus with belts!) but their seat only has two buckles, so they don't have to share.

Yeah, he's silly, but he is happy, and loves school, and maybe understands why we are so hard on him at bedtime.

In other school news, I had the damndest time not laughing myself to death while filling out his English teachers 'about your kid' survey. Poor thing doesn't know what she is getting into.

In even better news, Hubby got a job, and starts on either Thurs or Monday. Normally, we would be all over the two extra days of pay starting on Thurs would give, but at the same time, there will still be some RNC traffic, so Mon will be easier.

Welcome to the Palace of Learning, have a fortune cookie.

Hermes' schoo, The Palace of Learning (TPL), had their informational, back to school, night tonight. Hermes and I hopped in the car, srove to school, and were faced with total chaos! Almost all of the students were there, with at least one parent, sometimes more, and some siblings! Sooo many people.
Things we (or I) learned:
1. Bridgit, the froont office, general admin for the school was looking for our reduced lunch form. She hadn't seen them when going through the paperwork, and was pleased when I hand delivered it. One benefit of a small school, they remember who is hurting financially.
2. Betsy let me know that she already has Hermes scheduled for an evel with the new speech and language pathologist/therapist. She is bilingual from childhood Mandarin/English- how perfect is that. Betsy also verified that Hermes' Mandarin was flawless, but his English is mushy. Once again, a small school means they remember issues.
3. We need to get a Drs note about Hermes spider allergy so they can give him Benadryl at school if he is bit. If we do not get a Drs note, they will just call me each bite- there were three spider bites reported in the entire school last year, none were Hermes.
4. The bus will run on emergency release days, so I won't have to pick him up if the weather sucks.
5. EVERYONE loves Hermes. Everyone. I did not see one person who was not genuinely enthused to see him.

I kno have about a week to figure out which after school enrichment activities he will be in. We have a partial list, will get the full pamphlet with cost and set dates next week. The downfall to enrichment activites is that he cannot bus home, the upswing- it is cheaper than outside of school classes.

Something wicked this way comes.

Slwoly, the atmosphere in my neighborhood and the surrounding areas is changing. People are becoming grumpier, trying to figure out how the hell they will be able to get from point A to point B. People are rescheduling long standing plans, stocking up on groceries so they won't have to go out, and all other manner of strange.

What is causing this element on anger, paranoia, and what have you?

Republicans.

The Republican National Convention is being held about 5 miles from my house. My in-laws live about 7 miles from my house. Because of the convention, if I want to drive to their house while the convention proper is scheduled, I will have to go a total of 20 miles OUT OF MY WAY!
I cannot drive the road that takes me from my house to their house, directly. I cannot drive on the road that will take me to half the places I go.

This is nuts. People are pissed, and there is not anything we can do about it except get out thee, march, and make our voices heard.

I don't want the RNC in my town, but moreover, I don't want another Republican in the white house.
Do your part- be heard, capmaign, protest, and get ready to vote.

as long as I have them...

I woke up miserably early this morning. OK, 7:30 isn't all that miserable, but when you were unable to fall asleep until after 4, it sucks. I was alternating between periods of insomnia, hot flashes (have had none for two weeks, was hoping it was it) and painful twinges predicting a kidney stone. I feel like shit- absolute shit. If I am getting a kidney stone, I have water, painkillers, and a hubby who has been there and done that multiple times over. More than likely, I can avoid the doctor, and thus avoid spending money we don't have, just to have someone tell me to drink water, take painkillers, and rest. The only time that a kidney stone warrants a Dr visit is if you are in extreme pain, and need someone to give you drugs, or if the dang things get stuck somewhere, and need help breaking down, getting out. In the last case, trust me, you know you need to see a Dr, now, and no amount of being stoic, or broke, for that matter, will stop you.

Anywho- it is ass early, I feel like shit, so I do the reasonable thing- paying bills, budgeting, etc... Yeah, nothing makes you feel better than trying to sit down and figure out a budget when you are broke. Three kids eat a lot, drink a lot of milk, and so on. We are managing, but I honestly have no clue where we would be right now if not for friends and family. I am facing, point blank, that life sucks, early in the morning, in pain, and feeling rather pitious. I am trying not to cry, as even though I know everything should be all right, it doesn't feel all right at the moment. In short, I was three seconds away from becoming one hot mess.

I figured I had some time to pull my shit together, and not freek anyone out, as I am The Strong One in the family/house and the kids do not handle me anything other than mom-like well. That is when I hear it, the pitter pat of little feet, and the thuddathuddathudda of little feet that are now jumping on the upstairs wood floor.
OK, Housewife- time to pull it together-go and get the kids.
Ahh, a moment of foresite cuts through the pain and pity- if I make their breakfast before I bring them downstairs, the morning will run smoother (insert laugh track here). I pop two waffles into the toaster (and God be praised the grocery store that has toaster waffles in their weekly specials for cheep when money is tight!) go upstairs, and am met at the bedroom door with...
Two angelic, beaming, faces. two little boys who are so happy to see me thay shout out Momma! Good Morning Momma, Love you Momma, and reach up for hugs and kisses.

Currently, Thor and Loki are sitting at the table, eating toaster waffles and drinking milk. Hermes is at a sleepover with his bestest friend.
Thor and Loki do not know how much their not caring that I look like crap, not caring that I am barely keeping shit together, not caring about anything other than that their Momma got them out of bed this morning made my day.

As long as I have them, Thor, Loki, and Hermes (who even though he isn't here, makes my day better, fustrating, but better, every day) I am OK. As long as I have them, I can see that I did something right, something good, and see that I have something to work for.
I may be in debt now, but I will get out of it. I may not have a great job now, but I am changing majors, restarting school this winter, and in a few years I will.
Life may suck for me at the moment, and I still do my best to hide from everyone, including Hubby, that it hits me as hard as it does, but for them, the boys, they don't care. They have what they need, and they are fine. They love me if I feed them generic peanutbutter and jelly on store brand bread just as much as if I feed them Uncrustables, by SMuckers. They don't care that their clothes are from thrift shops, orthe clearance rack at wallmart, that I compulsively clp coupons, that Ramen is cheap, and if I add chicken and veggies, almost healthy, about any of that, they just want to see their Momma in the morning, cuddle before breakfast, play before quiet time, and get a bed time story at night.
If I still have them, it is fine.

Maybe you had to have been there

I am going to relay a story now. This may be one of those things where you had to have been there, but for those who know Thor, and how he moves and says things, maybe not.

Hubby's cousin was visiting fro The Land of Mormon AKA Utah. Cousin was with her boufriend, the same boyfriend she has had for over 4 years. The same boyfriend she has had since she was 14. The boyfriend who moved to freakin Utah for her! Have we mentioned that her boyfriend is one of the greatest guys ever, because he is.

Thor wakes up after they have been here for a bit. Loki (formerly Buddha) wakes up at about the same time. They come screaming down the stares, see Cousin and Boyfriend, and start being shy.
"Thor" I said," Say hi to Cousin!"
"Oh, Hai Cuzzin" says Thor in that LOLcat way of his.
"Thor, can you give Cousin a hug?"
"Oh, no thanks" says he. It was so nonchalant. We all just cracked up.
A few minutes later "Thor, can you give Boyfriend a hug?" and without saying anything, he runs up and hugs Boyfriend.
a few minutes later "Loki, can you say hi to Cousin and Boyfriend?"
he does.
"Can you give Cousin a hug?"
and Loki runs up and hugs....Boyfriend.

We thought this was hugely funny.

morbid senses of humor, and support.

The Troll Who Lives under Our Stairs, or Friend, lost his mom last noght. She had lung cancer, and pnumonia, brought on by the cancer. She went at home, with her family by her side, which is what she wanted.
Friend is doing as well as could be expected, and is actually thankful for my morbid sense of humor, as it has helped him laugh.
She is being cremated, and wanted each of her kids to have a little bit of her, if they were OK wit that. I commented that he could still bring his dates home to meet his mom, and he cracked up. We went on like this for about fifteen minutes or so, and he said after that he was very thankful, as with the exception of Hubby and I, many people are treating him like a fragile flower at the moment.
He is hurting, but he also had time to plan for this. Thankfully, he does have support, both friends and family, but if anyone wants to have an extra thought or two for him over the next week, it couldn't hurt.

He's not 'normal' and that is OK.

The mother in law has spent an aweful lot of time with Thor over the summer. first, at the beginning of June, a road trip to Utah. In July, we spent four or five days with her, and then, she took ass three boys for a weekend so we could get down and CLEAN, and then, she just had the older two this weekend in Duluth.
A lot of time spent with a three year old, for sure.
A lot of good has come from this, he is more potty trained at this point than I had ever hoped he would be, he is comfy traveling in the car for long distances, he has seen a lot of great things. One of the downfalls of this is that she still insists that there is nothing really wrong with him, and he will grow out of it.

This is really frustrating on a couple of levels. First, wether or not he will magically grow out of the autism spectrim, and his sensory issues, he is dealing with them now. Second, there is a very real possibility that he will never grow out of it, third, there is a small chance that it could get worse.

Yes, I love when people treat him like a normal kid, but he has some things that make him not nomral. This means that, occasionally, you cannot treat him like an ormal kid. You have to take the time to differentiate between a meltdown and a tantrum before disciplining him, for example. You also have to ask any and every multiple choice question as many times as there are answers, changing the answers each time, so that each answer is last at least once. Why? Because often time, due to echolalia, he will repeat the last word or words he heard. You cannot ask him "Thor, would you like Orange Juice?" as he will generally say "Orange juice" you have to ask "Thor, would you like orange juice? Yes or no? No orange jioce or yes orange juice?" and so on. THis takes a long time, but it also prevents you from becoming upset because you aksed him what he wanted, he told you, and now he won't do anything with it.
Sometimes, even if you do give him what he actually wants, it will be wrong. Understanding is needed that when something is wrong, nothing will make it right.

I hape every day that he is able to lead a fairly normal life, while preparing for the fact that he may not. It would really make her life easier, and mine, if she would do the same, otherwise, I don't know what will happen if he doesn't 'snap out of it' at 7 or 12. I don't know how she will handle it.

Also, she really needs ot stop giving me parenting advice. I know what sort of mom she was, and seriously, her advice is not anything I will really listen to.



Off topic- There may be some name changes in the blog. As Buddha gets older, we realize that Loki may be a better moniker.

Bewarned- removal of your uterus is falling prey to the "patriacharl overplan" Dunh dun DUNHHHH!!!

Pardon the exceptionally long post title, but you will see where it fits in a minute.

As all of my values (10 ) readers know, I had a hysterectomy just over a month ago.
As many of you know, I think of myself as a feminist. Not a spelling women womyn, men are evil, we rule the world, sort of feminist, more of the woman's right to chose, women should be treated the same, we rule the world sort of feminist.

I raise my boys to respect women. I choose to do this by being a stay at home/work from home mom. Partly, this choice was made for me, because DAMN, daycare is expensive! Mostly, though, I made the choice when we only had one, and I was lucky enough to be in a position to take care of him. I would rather raise my own kids. I would like to take this moment to make clear that this is not a mommy-drive-by. Women who choose to work, choose to daycare their kids, choose to stand naked in front of the statue of liberty, all made their choice- it was theirs to make, and there are pros and cons to each one. Women who choose to daycare their kids are no better or worse of mom's than I am, and women, like my own mom, who had thei kids in day care because they were busting their asses working, going to school,m being a single parent with little to no help, they deserve to be cannonized.

Anywho, there is a group of women who believe, and more over a group of men who believe there is a group of women who believe, if you follow me, that the world is run by a Patriarchy- Men rule the world, everything that happ-ens is because of men, and we should fight it at every turn. The unfortunate thing about htis is that the few women who actually believe this cannot agree on how to stop it. I digress.

A woman who believes this recently told me- TOLD ME, that my hysterectomy was playing into the patriarchal overplan. I didn't even know there was a patriarchal overplan. Apparently, I didn't get my wicked-crazy feminist newsletter this month.
I asked how in the world taking out an organ that was doing me not only no good, but great harm, was falling prey to 'The Man!".

Apparently, it was not really diseased (amazing that someone who has never met me in person, who has never read my pathology, seen the imaging, or dealt with the (I shit you not) month and a half of bleeding, with no days off, and cramps that needed prescription grade narcotics to make tolerable, was able to know this). No! It was removed to 'dewomanize me' because the uterus is what makes you a woman.

I asked about transgendered peoples- they are women, they have no uterus. They are women in their souls, apparently.

So, to get this straight- if you were not born with a uterus, your soul makes you a woman. If you WERE born with a pear sized and shaped organ, you are only a woman as long as you have it. Gotcha!

She went on that it was removed to 'shackle me' to their way of thinking, that women are objects, they can do as they please with us, and we allow it.

AHA! I have no more uterus- therefore-I don't count...right?
Nope!

Finally, I was told it was wrong for me to be a stay at home mom, as I was not showing my boys what a strong, working, woman looks like. Nevermind that both their grandmas, all their aunts, and many other females they are in contact with regularly, work, I am not.

When I pointed out that since the DEFUNCT organ was removed, I cannot have anymore kids, so I will be able to not only afford to work out of the house sooner, as the number requiring daycare will dwindle- I will have fewer painful periods, allowing me to work out of the house- I was told I was wrong! As and pay attention folks if I start working outside fo the house now, I will prove to my boys that the patriarchy is in control of my life!
Yeah, I cannot figure it out, either.

I am amazed I wasn't chided for only having boys (as has happened before, by the way.)

So, the patriarchal overplan- watch out for it, becaue apparently, it is everywhere.

Batch of cookies to anyone who can explain this one to me...seriously.

weary

I am still felling pretty good, but I am bone tired right now, and I cannot sleep. It could be the two hours, yea TWO hours I spent getting Buddha to sleep, and making sure he didn't wake up Thor. It could be the body letting itself relax after the bath that I took earlier, it could be that I am so ready to go home after spending a few days at the mother-in-laws. Whatever it is, I wish it would either go away or let me sleep.

Add to it the total hormonal rollercoaster I am on right now. I know it's temporary, but there is a small prt of me that fears that my ovaries arent' going to reboot, and that I'll be thrown into surgical menopause at 29 Su re, there are far worse things that could happen, but A) it isn't rather high in my list of good things, and B) the hormone surges are making me blow everything out of proportion right now. Seriously, I am amazed that the cartoonish men in white coats with the person sized butterfly nets haven't shown up yet.

2 weeks post op

Tomorrow, around 8 am makes 2 weeks without an uterus. I feel better than I have in a long time, even though I am still sore, and I really, really, need to do a better job of not overdoing it. I feel fine atthe time, but a few hours to the next day, it really messes me up. I am making sure that I am not lifting anything too heavy, and I am not pushing or pulling anything I shouldn't, but I am just doing too much of the stuff I have been cleared to do.

Even though I kept my ovaries, their blood supply will be choked off some for a little while, so I am having some unique experiences. I have been having hot flashes, which sucks donkey, I go back and fourth between periods of insomnia and total lethargy/falling asleep at the drop of a hat, and even though my hair looks awesome, and my fqacial hair is less pronounced, I have been breaking out some over the last few days. All of this should even out in a month or so as my ovaries realize they can function on their own. The pathology was back by mu post op check up - the images of the overies are looking great, and the cervix is really healthy, but I did have adenomyoma- which in an odd way is nice- it means that we were right, and having the hysterectomy was the right thing to do. Honestly, I am %95 percent fine with the decision, there are times when I get a little sad or depressed about it, as it is a major change, but it's the right thing to do, and heck, at 29, I'll never have another period again. I could wear white pants with impunity if I so chose- no interrupted vacations, no period bloat, none of that. On the scky side- since I kept the ovaries, I may still PMS, have cravings, moodswings, and the like, but I think it's a fair trade.

Right now I ma at my mother-in-law's house. my father in law is on vacatio0n until thursday, so it's just her, her dog, and the two yappers she is dog sitting for the friend who is camping with h\the FIL. Since she has more room than us, and has central air, we will be here until at least wednesday. It feels wierd staying here when we have our own perfectly gooed house, but I totaqlly need the help post op, the boys are happy to see her, and tuesday, when it should be in the nineties, the central air will be nice.
The troll who lives under our stairs will be looking after our cat and dog in our absence, and he will definately enjoy having some time to himself. Word came down from the powers on high that the tumor in his mom's lung is now beyond treating, so he knows that she has two months ,at the most, so he needs some time alone to assimilate the changes, and help out his family, and to finaly let some of his emotiions out.

Well, time to loie down again, as the laptop is still more comfy to use than a standard computer, buit I tire really easilly now, and will for a few more weeks, so signing off- Later!

Blog Tour!!!

Being I have not been posting the way I shouldh ave been for the blog tour, and being I picked this weeks post topic- I present to you, on time and everything- What Foods Taste Like Their Color!

Bluefrost gatorade tastes blue- I cannot explain why, but if you ask me what blue taste likes, it's that.
Tomatoes- ripe garden tomatoes- must be garden or farmers market- are what organic red tastes like- Tropical punch koolaid is artificial red.

I have yet to find anything, other than wheatgrass juice, that tastes green, and I do not really wish to try.

I was rather disturbed by a piece of fruit the other day, as it was orange in color, but tasted yellow...still working on that.

I have always wondered if I was the only one who assigned colors to tastes. I know there is a ...somthing, I don't want to say disorder...neural quirk, maybe? that assigns tastes to visiual things, as well as smell to sounds, and vice versa- but this isn't it. It isn't that I look at blue, and taste anything, it's just that blue has a definative taste.

I do know that for Thor, words have flavor, as do colors. If something is too bright for him, it tastes spicy, for some reason, and we have to give him something to drink. He has also said that his soft blanket makes his mouth taste like vanila pudding.

Blog Tour!!!

whole lot of things

So, first- head on over to fatrant.com - Joy Nash has posted her third fatrant video- and once again, all us 'bigger girls' out there thank her.

Second- I have been having issues posting lately- actual tech issues. I have made blogger aware of my various and sundry errors as they come up, but it isn't entirely my fault that we've been dead overhere.

Third- I will be out of the loop for a bit. I go in on the 30th to have the faulty uterus removed, so I will mroe than likely not be posting for a bit, what with the hospital and the drugs and all.

fathers' day

Today, I would like to honor my husband, my step-dad, and my father in law.
My father in law was not a great dad to his own kids, but he is trying really hard to be one heck of a good grandpa, and a good father in law. He routinely takes time out of his own life to help us with something around the house, or to help out when I have been recovering from issues related to my uterus.
Hubby- he did not have a dad growing up. When he was 18, he spent two years taking cre of his ailing grandfather, who was sufferring dementia. Hubby does his best by Hermes, Thor, and Buddha- he can admit that he isn't the greatest dad ever, but he is trying, and does more every day.

JazzCat- my step-dad. At 16/17 years of age, he showed me what a father should be. Loving unconditionally, raising and accepting, he not only rasied his two children well, he accepted me and my sister, with our myriad of faults. I did many things in ly mate teens that I know hurt my mom, and him. He has never heald it over my head, treated me badly, or showed anyhting but love and concern for me. He took a messed up teenager and showed her what fatherly love was, when her own biological father was using the love of a father as a bargaiing tool, something to be taken away when she did not behave to his standards.
Thank you to all of them, thank you to JazzCat, and thank you to mom, for being a dad to sistahgirl and I for many years.

I miss reading you

I was thinking earlier about some of the blogs that I have loved, and how much I miss reading them.
My sister has had some awesome blogness in her day, but I don't htink she blogs publicly anymore,and that is fine.
I have had some other good friends leave the world of blogging, either because they left the mortal coil, they left the internet, or they just grew out of it.

Sometimes, It is hard for me to post here, so I can understand why they all went, but I still miss reading them, even when I can talk tothem every day if I wanted to, there is something nice about reading them.

I will work on posting more.
I have been getting some things figured out, as my brain isn't always working the way I think it should, and I have been having much internal monologue readfying myself for when the Dr calls me and tells me that it's time to schedule the hysterectomy. It is almost certain at this point that I will be uterus free by christmas, maybe even before next school year starts for Hermes, and it's a lot on top of everythign else.

sometimes, it's just hectic

I had a friend ask me recently how I was doing, and the only answer I could give her was "Sometimes, it's just hectic".

That's about it for now.

Breath in, hold, now breath out...doesn't that feel better?

First, to my blogroll groups, both fiction and non-sorry that I totally flaked on the last assignments, sometimes life just cannot help but get in the way, and blogging was scary, 'cause I didn't know what would actually come out my fingers.
The older that Buddha gets, the more I realize how far behind Thor is. THen, there are days like yesterday, where everything in the world is wrong with Thor, and I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to make it better for him, because I don't know how he sees the world, and it just kills me inside that I cannot make him feel better. NOte, I did not say make him better, As long as he is healthy, I see nothing wrong with how his world is, as frustrating as it can be, I just wish I knew how he felt things, saw things, heard things, so I could help. He also has started having major abandonment issues whenever he sees anyone leave...anyone, could bethe UPS guy, for all he seems to care.
Buddha is starting to hide how well he talks, how well he does things, etc...I know it's normal behaviour, but it's frustrating.
Hermes is acting out in school some, ebcause he is bored off his ass, and we just cannot keep up with him.
Hubby is alternating between being really helpful, and not being really helpful, which is driving me nuts, I just want some consistancy.
I have no clue how long I'll be able to keep my uterus.
I have no clue what the heck is happening in my head sometimes, but Oh, therapists cost money, something I just don't have enough of at the moment.

I start working the second week in may. I start getting a check the first week in june. That will skew the budget enugh where, if I can just find the time, I can start doing the therapy thing. In the fall Hermes will get in for the G&T testing, so we can have an advocate to help make sure he is getting enough education wise. In the fall, Thor should be starting a preschool program, whichwill help, and I can maybe finally have some one on one time with Hermes so I know my own kid better.

Sorry for the rant, I am fine, really, I just needed to blow some steam.

Non-fiction blogroll assignment

When I become Queen of the World!!

This is actually something that I have given serious thought to, so is not all whimsey. Oddly, for those who don't know him, logically, for those who do, I took a lot of inspiration from Hermes.

First rule of order- Anyone can marry anyone else they want to, with the exception of close blood relations. If two boys want to get married, great, two girls, fabulous, a bay and a girl, great! Also, if any number of people decided that they love one another, want to honor one another, and do right by one another, they should be allowed to.

People will be able to wear whatever is comfortable, gender aside. If a boy wants to wear skirts nad dresses, no problem. If someone wants to wear ball gowns, so long as it doesn't impact their ability to do what they have to do, have at it!

Food will not be eaten according to any rigid schedule. To directly quote Hermes "If it's food, and you east it for breakfast, it IS breakfast food!"

Gas prices-there i no reason whatseover that gas should be as expensive as it is. In the small timeframe between my being made Queen of the World, and alternative fuel sources being made common place, gas will be affordable.

Stay at home moms will earn full social security benefits, based on what their pay would be for their individual daily tasks, cleaning, nanny, teacher, bookkeeper, etc...

"Well, that's the size of a large baby!"

I checked my e-mail and saw that my text books and necesarry suplies for next term have been shipped! Yay. I check the tracking info, and it weighs 9 pounds!! 9 pounds of text! I comment to a friend that I have 9 pounds of class stuff being shipped to me, and I wonder what it is? She asks what my next term classes are. I explain that they are Software Applications for the HealthCare Professional, and the other is Anotomy and Physiology. Her reply was "Well, that is the size of a large baby! Do you think they are sending you a large baby for A&P?"

head meet palm.

blogroll fiction #1

I can hear that car driving up and down the street again. Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa...god, I wish they could turn their friggen base down. I used to be excited when I heard the car, I thought it would be Dominic, coming home. He always listened to his bass like that, although he would thud clasical and swing music, not rap.
I hadn't seen Dominic in years, I don't even know why I still thought of our place as 'our' place, or even 'his'. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Since I am awake, I decide that OJ sounds good. On my way to the fridge I glance out the window. The thumpa-bass car isn't the one that normally bothers me, this one is blue, not red. I don't think I had seen the blue car before, but then, I am notmally not rooting around for orange juice at two in the mornnig anyways.
As I get into the kitchen, I notice the clock on the microwave isn't telling the time, it is flashing 'end' over and over again. I could have sworn that I hit the clear button after making dinner, but I guess not.
After drinking my juice right out of the carton, I decide that it's probably time to go back to bed, hopefully the bass car won't keep me awake. Where is the bass? I can't hear it anymore, must have driven off. I look back out the window, and the blue car is still there, parked, empty, someone is getting a 2am visitor.
As I make it back into the bedroom, there is a knock, on the door...Dominic!

In all seriousness

Normally, if I post about Hubby here, it is a rant, or a simple post about his awesomeness, generally followed by a rant.

I realized something today, while doing some research for a project paper for school about Fat. (Yes, I am writing a brief med terminology paper about being fat). Hubby started dating me when I was roughly 160 pounds. Right about where I should be, according to the BMI, and a little less than I should be according to any reasonably sane, sighted person. Hubby has been with me when I wieghed more than 100 pounds over that (My highest recorded weight ever was during my last pregnancy, when I hit 270, roughly). He has supported me in my efforts to lose weight for my health, he has supported me when those efforts don't always work, almost always because I really, really like food, and frankly, I dislike most excersize. I am blessed to have a husband who seems o find me more attractive when I am heavy. He loves my curves, and makes no bones about it.

He supports me in school, in work, in being a stay at home mom. He is totally holding up his end of the implied sickness and health contract.

He may not be the greatest at cleaning, socializing with other people, or being as articulate as he can be. He is coarse, gruff, cantankerous, and has an off sense of humor. He is fiercely protective of me and the boys, so much so that some people assume he is controlling, when he isn't.

He is also an amazing father, a wonderful husband, and a good person. He is a nice guy, and I am admn lucky to have him.

April Fools blog

So, I had a choice today to right an april fool's post, a post aout my phobias, or a post about the worst hotel I have ever stayed at.

After deciding that I did not want to do an april fools post, and after deciding that I really did not want to relive the worst hotel, I am posting about phobias.

Clowns...don't like them. It was made worse by reading It in the bathtub as a teenager. It was made even worse when, 8 years ago, I am working in Downtown, during the time the circus was in town. While having a smoke on my lunch hour, a fully made up clown asked to bum one, then honked his nose at me. I am convinced they smell fear.

Things with too many legs. Can't really explain it.

Getting caught in a small, bendy, space, with occasional stepped opening that I could plummet to my death through. I know that this combines multiple phobias, but I have a recurring bad dream where, for some reason, I have to fit through a barely big enough space, that has a lot of acute turns in it, making it smaller, and then will have a 5 foot gap I have to cross, or I will plummet.

Being not right. I have always feared that there is something wrong with me. I don't mean that I have a feeling something isn't right, or even that I think something isn't right. Every now and then I will just be hit by a sudden fear that something is wrong. Maybe that something is mental, maybe physical, maybe both or neither. The feeling almost always goes away as quickly as it comes on.

Not having friends. This isn't a phobia, more of an irrational fear. I know I have friends, I cannot imagine life without them, sometimes, though, I think they are gone. They are not, it is just me.

Twilight places. Twilighty places scare the heck out of me, I don't know why.

Meeeeee!

For the blog tour this week, I ended up deciding the topic. That topic is "What I love(like) about myself". I chose that to be the topic, because I think that women, in general, are too hard on themselves.
Now that I have made that statement, my totally self serving blog post begins now!

I love that I can laugh about anything. Often times I laugh at completely innapropriate things, which makes me laugh even more. Laughter is good for you.

I love my eyes. If you ever ask my what my best physical featuer is, I'll tell you my eyes, and I feel so blessed to see those eyes on THor.

I love that I can make things that make others feel warm and fuzzy. I knit and crochet, sew and quilt.

I really like the grown up I am becoming. I differentiate here between adult and grown up. I have been an adult since I turned 18. I only recently, even with having kids, started to grow up, and I like what I am seeing.

I like that I am someone people seem to be comfy talking to. I enjoy being able to help people, even if it's only by listening.

I really like that I can make my kids smile-nothing is better than that.

I love that I am not too old for cartoons.

That's about it for now. There is probably more, but I like the list I have.

stuff, and maybe even MORE stuff!

So, Hubby had an interview today for a much better job. He should be having is second and final interview within a week or so. Lets all keep fingers crossed.

I was supp-osed to have a phone interview today, but that had to be rescheduled, as the flu is going around that company's HR office. On the plus side, the HR director, and person in charge of all final hiring decisions, called me herself to apologize, and to reschedule, with her. Even though I am kind of nervous to be interviewing with her, I am very hopeful, as if she is taking th time to interview me herself, they want me. I would be doing customer service/billing support/data entry for a major company. I would be getting good pay, and I found out that there is a lot of opportunity for advancement, even with their part time employees. Once again, lets keep fingers crossed.

School- Yeah, I aced my rough draft assignment, and my last terminology paper. It's good to be smart, even if I don't always feel it.

Y'all will be seeing many more posting from me. On top of my weekly assignment from my blog-tour group (this weeks will be about why I love myself), I am also going to be doing a fiction blog-tour group. Many of the same people, just a chance to flex our fiction muscles.

Thor is still talking more, expecially if he an sing. We have to figure out a way to slow his speech down, as it will make him more easily understood.
Buddha is still talking more, too.
After my procedure, I will start potty training both of them. I am still working on Thor, we will just be a little more intensive. Buddha is showing many signs of readiness. How sweet would it be to have them both out of daipers soon?

Hermes is still rediculously smart. His conferences went well, and focused on that he is rediculously smart.

I still hurt. It's good to have pain meds, but it sucks at the same time. The meds that allow me to still finction don't take away all the pain, and the meds that take away the pain leave me unable to function, or even speak coherently.

I'm dealing, though.

Helping a firend deal with an impending loss

So roommate friend, also known as the Troll who lives under our stairs (which is even funnier, as the name carried over from when we had a basement) is dealing with some really heavy shit right now.
Troll's mom was diagnosed about a year ago with lung cancer. They underwent a few courses of treatment, they thought it was going away...thought.
The lung cancer was a alrge cell, a particularl agressive large cell, and it didn't go away. Once treatment was on hold, it came back, with a vengeance, and spread into her right lung, as well. About two weeks ago, she was informed that it was time to make the choice between quantity and quality. She could have more chemo, to prolong her time left, but she would be sick for a long time, or she could do nothing, manage the pain, and try and enjoy what, at the time, was looking to be 6 months to two years.
Last night, she started to have major problems breathing, and thought it may be a collapsed lung. She went into the ER, and they found pneumonia, under the tumor. She is on an oral antibiotic for the pneumonia, but it's looking grim. They cannot do any aggressive treatment for the pneumonia, as it could encourage the cancer to spread. They cannot do chemo at all, as it will weaken her immune system, and the infection in the pneumonia will spread.
Her specialist passed down word this morning that between the agressiveness of the cancer, the inability to operate, and the inability to effectively treat the pneumonia, she has anywhere between a few days, to maybe a month or so.
Troll is in his early-mid twenties. He has a younger sister, an older brother (who is being an ass) and a father with heart issues.
I don't know what. other than being a shoulder to cry on, I can do for him, but I am asking that any healing energies, prayers, good thoughts, etc.. be sent his way.
Thank you.

Odd vacation

So, the request has been made that, at semi regular intervals, I will post on any given topic. I know what this topic is, but you do not know until I tell you. Also, others will be writing about this topic, too. I bet if you check out my "Look! Sites I Read!" thingy, over there =====>> you may be able to read others views on the same topic. I will always let y'all know when I am writing about a topic that has been given to me, like I am now.

Strange or weird or odd vacations:
When I was living in Iowa, land of excitement (ok, not really), a group of us decided that we were going to go to AdventureLand for the day, and then camp for the rest of the weekend, somewhere. We decided this at about 6am, and we were heading out at about 6:30am, the same day.
It rained, all day. We never thought to check the weather. We never though to check who was packing what, either. Between a group of five of us, we had three sleeping bags, a few loose blankets, the clothes we grabbed before we left, and a tarp. No tent, no cook stove, nothing to cook with, nothing to do.
We ended up making it work, somehow. We hit a gas station and got some rope, so we could sling up the tarp. We made 'nests' out of the blankets, and luckilly, my mom taught me how to make awesome fires (Goddess of campfires..yeah, that's my mom, in human form-sometime I'll tell y'all about a ranger coming and telling her to make her fire smaller). We had to drive from our campsite into town every day for the three days we camped, in order to get food. We ate a lot of hotdogs, marshmallows, and chips that weekend. We also drank a lot of really warm soda.
We survived the weekend, and headed home, We stopped at a sit down restaurant to eat, halfway home, and realized that for 3 and a half days we had been out in the rain, the mud, sleeping outside, with no shower, perfume, deoderant, not even washing our faces. Denny's manager, we are eternally sorry.

Why enunciation is important

Hermes, as you all know by now, is a very smart child. He is also a very curious child. He also does not speak quite as clearly as he should, nor as clearly as he is able to. I think this comes back to the whole "being smart enough to know to hide it around people who will inevitably freak out over how smart he is" thing.
Anyways, we have learned over the past few weeks a few valuable lessons. One is the importance of monitoring what your almost 6 and three quarters year old child is watching in his bedroom. We knew he was watching cartoons, and educational television. What surprised the heck out of us was that he was watching adult things...things like the news, and more news, and political shows, and unbiased news! Damn, I wasn't ready for that. We also learned the importance of making sure we understood what he was saying before making sure he understood. Let me explain- Hermes will mimic things he hears adults, and other people he cinsiders smart, say. He will also quote, verbatim, passages from books, television, movies, and commercials, if he thinks that it will work in a conversation. He will ask if he knows he doesn't know what it means, but if he thinks he knows, he will not ask. Since he doesn't always speak clearly, this leads to some interesting conversaitons.
I believe I posted previously about the whorehouse. If not, I will give a brief recap of the conversation that, in the five minutes it occured, redced me to tears as I was laughing so hard once I understood what he was asking. What he said: Mom, what's a warhorse? What I thought I heard-Mom, what's a ho'house? What I assumed I heard-Mom, what's a warehouse.
You can imagine the hilarity that accured when I thought he said whorehouse, and was trying to figure out where in the heck he heard that word. Imagine my surprise when he said at school! A school that has no students above the fourth grade!!!
Thankfully, he and I figured out what he was saying before the conversation got too heated.

Yesterday, though, while I was on painkillers at that, he sprung another one on me. "Mom, why is it, that if I need to talk about something I need to know whether or not it is impotent."
IMPOTENT people, my baby asked about impotency when he isn't even old enough to have to deal with being potent, let alone impotent! I asked him to repeat himself a few more times, and then I realized that he was asking about something being important! Ohhhhh!

The benifit of having a smart and very vocal child, is that you have a smart, vocal child. The downside is that you have a smart, vocal, child. I never know what's going to come out of his mouth, and I never know if what's coming out of his mouth is what's in his brain.


In related news, Thor has taken to saying nipple and boob. It started a few weeks ago when he spent about five minutes singing the word nipple, over and over and over. I was certain that I had to be hearing wrong, so aside from giggling at the three year old angelic voice saying nipple, I let it slide.
The other day, we got the sone of nipple, nipple, nipple,(whispered oh so quietly) boob, nipple, followed by a fit of giggles. I don't know if he even knows what nipples and boobs are, but at least he talking, right? Right?

my arguement against inteligent design theory, and a personal update

I have formulated an arguement against inteligent desing. this has nothing to do with fossils, proofs of evolution, or science. This has to do with manufacturer's warrantees.
Seriously, folks, if we were designed by an all knowing, inteligent creator, don't you think they would have tossed in a warrenty? Just a stamp or a peice of paper that we could turn in and have defective parts replaced, free of cost, at any time, or at least during that parts standard operating timeline? Seems like the inteligent thing to me.

So I had my Drs appointment on Monday. On April 10, I go on for a hysteroscopy, a resectoscopy, and a d&c. Hopefully, after getting a better look at what's going on in my uterus, removing the polyp, scraping it out so they can biopsy the fibroids, and getting a good look at the mass that's growing at the top, my body will reset itself, with the help of an oral, triphasic birthcontrol, or the Drs will figure out what is going on so we can fix it. If neither of these things happen, I am looking at a hysterectomy. If the fibroids or the polyp or the mystery mass end up being anything other than benign, I am looking at a historectomy, or ifthere is damage done to the uterine wall, I am...well, you get the gist.

I have at least one polyp, at least two or three definate firbroids, and a mass at the top cavity of the uterus. The fibroids are groing in an odd location (in between the uterine wall and the endometrium), and the appear to be growing rapidly.

I have a lot to wrap my head around right now, but I am working on it, and I have an excellent support system
On the totally geeky side, though, if I do have to have the uterus removed, it will be done by ROBOT!! My clinic owns their own DaVinci surgical robot.

On the plus side to all of this, my ovaries look beautiful, so know matter what, I should be able to keep them.

been a long time since I've rock and rolled

So I haven't updated for a while. It happens, sometimes real life gets in th way.



Totally TMI woman issue warning, men, avert your eyes, I warned you!!!!!!





So I have fallen, once again, into the incredibly irragular period cycle again. It's who whole nasty shebang this time.

After years of being brushed off, being told there is nohing wrong with me, and lord only knows what else, I finally have an appointment with a Dr who is going to try and help. It will be with a male,, wich is odd, as even though all of my babies were delivered by men, I gnerally prefere a female doctor for female issues. I do not mind, though, as apparently this guy is the House of MN odd gunecology issues. Quote one of the women on his team, there may not be anythin wrong with me, but there definately isn't anythign right, and they are going to figure it out.

11:15 on St patty's day, I get to have the first appointment and start figuring out what is going on. I am thrilled, a little aprehensive, but thrilled. Maybe, just maybe, i can get to a point where I only menstruate regular amounts at regular intervals with the regular discomfort, instead of bleeding almost constantly for weeks on end, with huge amounts of pain, only to be told nothing is wrong.

Finally, I may have an answer.

hot

Thor and Buddha are feverish. they are both running about a 102 right now. They have had colds, and been generally icky for the last few days, but the fever, and Buddha's being lethargic came from no where at about dinner time.
We couldn't find our thermometer at all, so I had to drive up to the local store and buy one. Three guys, big burly, scary looking, guys saw what I had to purchase, and let me go in front of them. As I was leaving, one mentioned that sick babies had priority over babies who just needed daipers and jiuce. Never judge a book and all that.

In about an hour, I'll go and check them again. By then, if not asleep, they will be more relaxed, and the tylonal will have had a chance to work.
I hate it when any of my babies are sick, but two at once sucks.

mental health, it's a good thing!

You know, as I get older, and have more on my plate, I really think that therapy is a good thing.
I have long felt that, though a useful and good tool for others, it just wasn't for me. I had nothing wrong, really! I also sometimes think that my general opinion of meds for everyone but me might be flawed.

I seem to suffer from superwoman syndrome. No matter how much I do in a day, or how well I do it, it's never enough for me. I often times take an "all or nothing" approach to things becasue of this, which ultimately results in nothing getting done. That's not good.
Yesterday, Hubby and Roomie cleaned the livingroom. Cleaned. Moved all the furniture out of the room and scrubbed, clean. I in turn, spent the first half of the day driving MIL to all of her doctor's appointments for her six week post op followup. She is doing fabulous. I then tackled the kitchen. It isn't CLEAN yet, but the dishes are done, the stove and counters have been scrubbed. I also got to thaw the pipes and drain for the shower, and clean that room, since it's been out of commision since saturday.
I kept telling myself that the dining/computer room and the bedroom needed to be clean. They weren't, the kitchen should have been more clean. The case in the living room was organized, but not clean. Hubby eventually forced me to sit down when I grabbed Roomie's empty dinner plate, from his hands in order to wash it. He was finished, and on his way to the kitchen sink, but not moving fast enough.
I am very pleased with how I did this term in school, of my two classes, I finished one with an overall 95.10 percent, and the other, harder class, with a 96.67 percent. I know that this is good, I know I should be happy, I am also beeting myself up for not doing better. I know I could have done better. Yes, they are A grades, but the could have been better A's!
I know I need to get these things under control, no matter what.
Add to this the funkiness I get a few times a year that I can only attribute to my Dad nad his families shittiness. Add to this something of a family history of mental health issues, add to this not sleeping well, being tired, beating myself up inside for not doing more, then not just doing something, etc.etc.etc. and maybe it's time I did something about it.

I realized that therapy scaresme. Talking to someone else about my issues, out loud, makes them real. I always try to be the strong one. I try to be the stable one, and admitting that I am not scares me. Hearing that I moght not be "all right" scares me.

Hubby and I have talked. he supports my decision to do this, and is actually encouraging me. He has sensed that things have not been %100 good with me for a while, and is glad that I started talking to him about it some, but he also knows that there are things from my past that I just don't feel like discussing with him, frankly. He is fine with that as well. After we get our tax returns, and I have an idea of how many hours a week I will be doing at my work from home job (I am retraining on my infomercial operator line), I will budget my mental health copays in, and make an appointment.
In some ways it sucks that I have to budget mental health, but then again, it's par with the course.

rememberance, part 1

Just over 13 years ago, two brothers set fir to a duplex in Minneapolis, in the middle of the night. The resulting fire had flames shooting over three stories above the two-level home's roof. In the upstairs, was the home's owner, a friend of my dad's family, a bachelor, and his two dogs. In the basement, was pictures and memorabilia of my dad's family's life. In the main level, my aunt, and my grandma, and memories and relics from my grandfather, like his flag encased in a frame, with five bullets-a memory of his time in the service.
My Aunt had just gone into her room, at the back of the house, after making toast. My grandma had been in her room, in the center of the hosue, for a few hours, and was sound asleep. The fire was set at the front corner. The house was old, with wooden siding, wooden floors, a wooden framed front porch. the front porch had an old couch, an old wicker chair, and lamps, with old papaer and cloth shades. The other side of the front porch had piles of newspaper, ready to be brought to recycling the next day.
The fire spread quicvkly, for even though it was the winter, it had been very cold that year, and there wasn't much snow to act as a damper. My aunt recalls hearing a crackling noise, and smelling burnt toast. When she left her room, and entered the kitchen, the house was full of smoke. She panicked, she thought that the toaster had shorted, and set the house on fire. The house was on fire, but not due to the toaster, no, it was started by two people who had never met anyone who lived in the home.
My aunt was not able to get to my grandma. Someone outside the home saw the flames, and dialed 911. Emergency vehicles were on their way.
The man who lived upstairs was not home that night. His dogs, however, perished in the fire. They believe the smoke got to them before the flames. My aunt, sitting in a bus that arrived to offer shelter, had very bad frost bite on her toes.
The firefighters were able to enter the home, and get out my grandma. She was very badly burned. It was found at the hospital that she had third through fifth degree burns over 85% of her body. In some places, the burning was so bad, you could see charred bone. She was unconcious, at the time, they didn't know if it was from shock, or smoke inhalation. They were grateful for her unconciousness, however, and administered drigs in the way to the hospital to keep her that way. My aunt still though that the fire was caused by her making toast.
By the times the flames were put out, there was really nothing left. Because it was so cold, some of the items in the basement, like the pictures, were encased in ice from the hoses. There was water damage, and some are gone forever, but some still exist. The pictures of my grandfather, of my uncle who passed before I was born, and of my great gramma were all on the main level, and are gone forever.
At the hospital, my aunt found out that the fire was not her fault, that it was arson.
At the hospital, we found out that gramma had severe brain damage. That even if she survived the treatments for the burns, she would probably never function again, and if she did, she would be in constant pain, in a wheelchair, more than likely unable to communicate. Ultimately, the request to stop treatment, and to not allow lifesaving measures was made. We know she wouldn't want to live this way.
Thirteen years ago, on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, she was buried, in a closed coffin ceremony. I had never personally seen a funeral so large before. Everyone whose life she touched was there. MY mom, my aunt, her sister, and my maternal gramma were even there. At this point, my mom had been divorced from my dad for 14 years.
My aunt needed years of therapy. She needed to learn that it was not her fault. She needed to learn how to live on her own. It took almost 8 years before she could make toast, or smell burnt toast, without becoming physically ill.
Shortly after Hermes was born, the brothers who seet the fires finally had their day in court. It took six and a half years for the system to provide any sort of justice. It was found out that they had set fires before, It was found out that the older brother, shortly before burning my grandma's home, had set fire to the trailer where his ex girlfriend and toddler daughter lived. They were charged with the federal offense of arson in the first, and premeditated homicide. They argued that they didn't know anyone was in the home, but legally, if you set fire to a residence, it is believed that the assumption it is occupied is present.

withen the year following, well the six months following, the fire, is when I first lost contact with my dad. I do not know if it was truly a series of miscommunications, if it was the Step-mom's influence, or if losing his mom finally caused him to flake completely.

A month and a half after burying my paternam grandmother, my maternal gramma died in her sleep.

Every now and then, especially around this time of year, it still hurts. I still miss my paternal grandma deeply. I have no way of knowing what her lifespan shuld have been. I have no way of knowing if she would have lived to see her first biological grandsons, or what she would have thought of them.
I still miss her. I still love her. Occasionally, I drive past where the house was. It's a parking lot, now. Much of the old neighborhood has changed, but there are still some people, who if they see me, when I get out of the van, can peg me as being her granddaughter. They all make a point oftelling me how much she loved me, how proud sahe was of everything I did, and that she always knew I would grow up to do great things.
I wonder, if she is looking over me, sometimes. If she sees how smart her grandson's are. If she is disappointed in her son, for letting me go. If she knows that I crochet and knit, like she did, or if she knows that I can make her ham gravy, and goulash. Would she be proud?