quandary

Ok, so maybe quandary is too strong a word for it. Dilemma, problem, inkling upset?
As many of you know, I was married and divorced in a past-pre-housewife2000 life. I like to say that My ex was a sociopath, but I am afraid that would make the other sociopaths cry and have hurt feelings. Everynow and then, various little birdies keep me updated on what he is doing and his general whereabouts in town. They just want me to be prepared if I should happen to run into him, and apparently he asks about me everytime he sees someone with info on me. The latest peice of info I have recieved confirmed something I already knew, and elaborated the hell out of it. My ex lies beautifully on his resume, he does it in such a way that it is hard ti pinpoint, and could potentially really fuck a company over. He has taken this one step further in starting a business with two other people and really screwing a bunch of people over, bigtime, potentially and allegedly. Do I say something? If so to whom? do I let it drop? He is in the security feild(both computer and physical) so I am uncertain as to the level of harm that could come to people, maybe a lot maybe nothing. But if someone uses his services, then gets screwed over or majorly injured, am I culpable because I didn't say anything when I know what he is saying is not so? I understand that a lot changes in five and a half years, but much of his claims are from when we were together, or before we were together. AAARRGGH...What to do, and how do I know that this isn't all some sort of "you made a part of my life utter hell and I want to get back at you somehow"kick???

waiting for the mail, and minor changes.

I am waiting for the mail carrier, whom is usually here an hour ago. The mail person will be bringing me information on pre-kindergarten for Bigguy so I can have some idea of what to tell him when he asks when will school be starting, and what will he be doing. But of course, when you are expecting something in the mail, it will take forever to get there.

I would like to take thin moment to announce a minor change to my blog's comments section. In order to avoid spam comments, which we have previously recieved, I have added a verification section. All this amounts to is one extra step. You will be shown some squigly, slightly obscured letters and/or numbers and have to correctly type them in order for your comment to be posted. I know this may seem unfair to you, but it is the only way I am willing to keep my comments section open for the few of you who choose to comment. Otherwise I may find myself getting rid of comments all together, because who really wants to read pointless spam.

cravings, mornig sickness, and fast growing children

Part of being pregnant, as most people know, is cravings and morning sickness. Cravings I can deal with, with this particular pregnancy they seem to be all over the board, two noticeable distinctions being carrots and dairy, especially cold milk, otherwise, something will just hit. Potato chips. Stir fry for dinner instead of spaghetti. Cookies. Onions. Pickles. Etc...etc...etc.... What sucks, however, is the morning sickness. With my first pregnancy I had very little, and mostly in thhe second trimester, with my second pregnancy I had it almost from day one, untill into the third tri, and for a while the smell of cooking meat did me in. This pregnancy, though, points out the cruellness of the term. As one person pointed out-it's called morning sickness, you can't have it at night, can you? Yes, it is called morning sickness, because that is when it generally hits, and when it is the worst. There is a semi scientific answer for this-in the morning your tummy is empty of food, your blood sugar is low, and your sense of smell(when you are pregnant) is way strong. You sit up, stomach acid moves around, you get light headed, you get nauseous, you try to eat, the smell makes you sick. I tend to get sick in the mid afternoon and evenings. I usually just feel nauseous and lightheaded, sometimes I break out in a cold sweat, and thankfully I have yet to vomit. I hope it is over soon.
While all of this is going on, and I am being ass tired(which is very common during the first tri, makes sense, really, you are groing a brand new person in you, a lot od development happens in the first tri, you are going to be tired), I notice how much my boys are growing around me. Bigguy is once again thrilled to be a big brother, and thrilled that he gets to teach littleman how to be a big brother, and he'll be the biggest brother, AND he will be starting pre-kindergarten soon(Yay my towns public school system for having a large variety of preschool/prekindergarten classes to choose from). Bigguy is speaking better every day, counting and learning and growing, not always listening, but you can look at him, and start to get an idea of what a stubborn, inteligent, obstinate, charismatic person he is growing into.
Littleman is truely amazing. He has hit the point where he is starting to try, so hard, to form words, and he finally babbles now, instead of just screamming all the time. He is also trying, so hard, to stand on his own. He can stand with minimal help, he can pull himself up, and now he wants to STAND! You can see the concentration in his little two-toothed mouth. You can see his pudgy little(okay big-the kid is gonna be really tall and solid) legs, and he gets his legs straight, his butt in the air, he start to try to take the hands off the ground, finger by finger, he'll get one whole hand off the ground, start to straighten up, and BOOM!!! come crashing down right on his bottom. Sometimes he looks frustrated, sometimes he looks so proud for having gotten that far, and I just try not to laugh.
My children are growing, almost to fast to take in. Luckilly I am here for it, and their room is almost clean...it can wait another day to finish...I can watch them play a little longer...no one needs to know

first comes love, then comes marriage...

Well, hubby and I will be having a third(count-em, Third!) child somewhere abouts march or april. Kinda threw us for a loop, but we always knew, after the way the boys were concieved, that it'd happen when it happened. So far the general response from family and friends seems to be joy mixed with concern. Yes, we know that Littleman isn't even a year yet, yes, we understand that it'll be more money, yes, we understand that it'll mean three kids!! Bigguy will be starting pre-kindergarten this year, and will be taking a shot at public school kindergarten the following year-The school district we are in has a very very good gifted and talanted program that starts at the kindergarten level-YAY. Hubby is looking to get a raise here in two months, maybe a promotion to boot. After the first month moving and van needing work chaos is over-our budget is not that grim looking, and then remember that we have paying roomates, living out of the way in the basement. There is really nothing to worry about other than my sanity-so far it seems to be holding. We have lots o supplies if it is a boy, and if we have a girl-yes, we will need girl clothes, I doubt that will be a problem when the only kids are boys and the entire family is itching for a girl. Well, time to eat now, small meals keep the morning sickness at bay-later

addendum to previous post re:comments

I recieved a rather large SPAM post in the comments section to my last post-until I figure out how to go about deleting it, there will be no posting of comments on THAT POST ONLY-comments are still open on the rest

Beauty

Ok women(and men) out there-I have an assignment for all of you. I want everyone to sit down and write out why they are beautiful. You don't have to post or publish it, but everyone is beautiful in some way, even if they are not happy with their current bodies. Society is suffering from a lack of beauty, we need to bring it back...I'll start

I am beautiful. I am a size 12/14, I way 175-180lbs, I am curvy. I love my curves, they are mine. I have flabby underarms, I didn't have the flab until after I became a MOTHER. I have a potbelly, because I carried children. I love my body, fat and all. It is mine. I haven't shaved in a week, my hair is greasy, I have bags under my eyes, yet my Hubby still finds me irrisistable. I have lovely legs, beautiful eyes, and I like my mouth, it sometimes smiles one one side without my knowledge. I love myself, and I am beautiful

Settled In

We moved, on schedule, just like we were supposed to. We kept to the schedule because the cable company was supposed to be out on Friday, the 29th of july, between five and eight pm to set up our cable and internet. This did not happen. There was a SNAFU on the companies side, and our service order got changed, so we didn't have any phone, internet, or cable until the 4th of August, almost a week after we moved. Most everything in the common area'sis unpacked and s4et up, we still have some pictures to hang, and some VHS movies that need a home. We didn't realize how many VHS we had, 'cause we have been watching DVDs for so long, we will figure something out. I still need to get the boys room organized, but it is hard to do during the day, because I need to go thru the toys, geting rid o the ones that are broken, incomplete, etc...and you cannot really do that when the chillen's are awake, but I don't want to wake them up, doing it after they are asleep...I will get it figured out. Hubby and my room? Well, it is an organized mess. I vowed when we moved that I would not let it become the dangerzone that it was before, and it isn't, but I need to do A LOT of organizing and sorting. I have many, many clothes that are way to big for me anymore I have to get rid of, and some clothes that I just don't wear. Then there is Hubby's stuff. It is hard to sort thru his, HE doesn't even know what he will and won't wear, it varies by his moods. I will have it figured out though. I had all the common areas done in the time frame I laid out for myself, I will finish the private area's in the time frame I set for that project.
Once again, I am in my own home, and trying to be superwoman. This time, however, I am getting recognition for what I am doing, so it is all good.

Littleman, not so little

When I was pregnant with Littleman, there was some concern. The umbilical cord only had two vessels instead of three, and I has havinh intermittant labor pains for about a month before he was born(not Braxton Hicks-actual contractions.) Due to this, we had screanings done weekly. Everything was looking good, he was looking to be a very big boy. Well, bodies react differently to stress, and unborn Littleman lost some wieght, and quit putting on length. When he was orn, he was very healthy, but smaller than we anticipated, 6lbs13ounces and 19 1/2 inches. Well, now Littleman is Nine and a alf months old, he is also The Baby That Ate Manhattan. 29 inches, 21lbs13ounces. Lets look at this-in nine and a half months, he has grown an inch a month, he has also put on 15 pounds--FIFTEEN. He is healthy, he is big, there are children larger than him. Man.. Bigguy on the other hand finally started putting on weight, he is now, at 4 years old, 34 lbs, he is also 39 1/2 inches-what is surprising aout this? he has grown TWO INCHES in the last month-once he started putting weight back on-he just shot up! Well-back to packing, we move in two days.WOOHOO!!

in five...

Now that it is after midnight, I can technically say that I am moving in five days! Hopefully everyone will be feeling better then. Littleman is teething, again, it happens off and on for the first few years. Bigguy decided to start vomiting today, at first we thought it was a combonation of allergies and heat, but now...I don't know. I fealt really mad at my self, earlier, when I laughed at him. He told me that he threw up at Menard's, I told him that was OK, he said it wasn't. I then stated that sometimes theese things happen, then he stated, quite seriously, "No, Momma, no they don't." I started to giggle, but luckily I stopped myself. I fealt so bad, but what could I do? Sometimes you just have to snicker at them.
I have had to delete the sentance I have been trying to type numerous times, I am very very tired, and typing wierd combinations of words...I will type some more later
HW2K

Harry Potter and Green Day

What do these two things have in common, you may ask? I will tell you, nothing but my husband. Hubby brought his younger cousin to the BFM last night to get copies of the Harry Potter book at the midnight sale. While bumming around and waiting, he decided to purchase the "American Idiot" cd for me, knowing how much I wanted it. Now, I have a kick ass soundtrack for my day, and a good book to read, I move in less than two weeks, have my new adress, a new checking acount, and am planning on going to the drive-in tonight to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...life is sweet

nothing, but nothing, says bonding better than shopping!

I got together with Mom today. We went shopping and then out to eat with the boys. It was a really nice day, incredible heat aside. Mom and I picked a couple outfits(okay, a shitload of outfits) out to try n, and a few things for the other person to try on. Everything that my mom picked for me fit beautifully, and is a style that I will where. How many other mom's can do that for their 26 year old daughter?? All said and done, she spent a little money on each boy, and a decent chunk of money on me, plus lunch. The buying me stuff was fun, it always is-quote my son "I like it when people buy me things!", but the spending time with mom part was really cool, I don't do it enough anymore, and it meant a lot to me. So everyone-next time you see me in a nice well fitting dress, and think "Damn, that girl looks good, especially for a mom of two!" Thank my mom, she probably picked out and bought the dress, and she is largely responsible for my DNA.

Three weeks left

In three weeks I get to move! I am elated-I will not have to deal with the bullshit here any longer. There are days when I know I don't do everything the in-laws would like, or it gets done, but not in a timely manner. Those are the days when I am biting my tongue to keep from yelling "What, we pay you for the privilage of my being your indentered servant!" I have always bit my tongue, but if I hear anything today, I am going off. Last night FIL was in a pissed of mood. He even announced that he was pissy at everything, and he proceded to, while making the most noise possible, do the dishes. This task normally falls to me, apparently, I made an arrangement, that I never recall making, to do the dishes every day...for NOTHING, not even a thanks most of the time. Just griping about how I don't do them right, or early enough, or I will let them sit until the next morning before doing them or whatever. I understand that I am the only one in the house of working age, who does not work outside of the house...I don't think the in-laws understand, though, that what I do is work, and not just an eight hour job, I do this damn near every day. Sometimes someone will take Bigguy over night or for the weekend, but little man is still with me, rarely do I have them both gone, and when they are, do I relax? Hell no, I do all the things I need to get done that I cannot do when they are arround. The in-laws like to bitch about the state of our rooms-which, in their defense, are messy. We pay rent, a very decent amount to live here, yet all our stuff is in our rooms, because we get bitched at if we use the attic, basement or shed, and their house is already so cluttered that we couldn't possibly have any of it in the common areas.
inhale, exhale,inhale,exhale
Three weeks
not that I'm counting

Independance day

It's july fourth-and as my Bro in law likes to say, the day for all good patriotic american's to blow shit up! Seriously, though, let's take a moment amid all the beer, blowing ups, loud music, and food to remind ourselves that we are celebrating our ountries freedom from another. Let's take a moment to remind ourselves that there are people in the world today living in feer of what their next leader will do, of what our "leader" will do, and wishing for any number of the freedoms that we currently have. So while you are out, having a good time, maube spending time with family and friends, take a minute for those who can't, and realize, that even with a shitty president, assholes in power, skyrocketing gas prices, and a broken state gov't-that we are rather lucky to have anything. Remember that supporting your troops is different from supporting the war, that speaking up if you are unhappy with the leadership of your country doesn't make you unpatriotic, and that we are a free country, and we need to ensure that we keep what freedom we have.

Tylonol 3 with codiene!

I hurt.
When I was younger I ground my teeth when I slept, a lot. I recently started doing it again. I lost a part of a filling because of it. Now my mouth hurts. My cheek is swollen, and I can feel pain all the way through my jawbome. Due to a paperwork snafu, I will not hve dental insurance until the first of the month-friday. Until then-I can deal with the pain, or I can take my Tylonol 3 with codiene. I have opted for the drugs-no, my mouth hurts and I am loopy and tired. The mother in law is home all week-taking a paid vacation from work while the father in law is at scout camp, I am actually glad for this. This means I can take my pain pills during the day if needed, and she can help with the boys. Also, if need be, she or the bro in law canhelp with driving. I am rapidly becomeing incoherant-so I will go to bed now. I had to try really hard to type this, and had to rewrite some words too many times. Well-till next time

hw2k

oppisite of writer's block?

I have starting working on my...whatever it will end up being. I am finding that instead of writers block I am having, I don't know, writer's flow? All of a sudden, now that I have decided on what to write, it just keeps coming. I cannot type or write fast enough to get all the thoughts down.Might have to get a tape recorder and make transcripts to copy at a later point in time. Currently, I think I am just goig to let it come, put it on paper as a rough draft, and do some editing when I type it in to save it to dosc. Once I have more to hammer out, I will be looking for some people to read it for me, to get their oppinions..Any volunteers?

writing stories

I have started, and deleted, the beginnings of my story/novel/work-of-fiction/chicklit/whatever it ends up being/ numerous times. I think the problem is that I keep trying for a particular genre each starting, and it never ends up that way. I am pretty sure that I understand why. One of te first things that any write will tell you is "Write what you know." Up till now, I have avoided doing that. I have a fairly weird family and extended family-including my in-laws, notoriously bad relations with my dad and step-mom, and a string of bad rellationships(including a marriage) that went on for too long, before I had kids, settled down, and got married-in that order. I have felt that if I write what I know, even if I turn it into "fiction", too many people close to me will recognize themselves, and be hurt or upset. Just recently, I came to a conclusion-Fuck IT!! If my friends and family and ex friends and ex family recognize themselves in my writing(if it ever gets published) and become upset by what they read, I hope they realize a few things.
Some Key Points
1) It is essentially a work of fiction, with my real life experiences used as references, some characters will be made of more than a single persons personality traits, and others will be exagerated, as I see fit.
2) Maybe if you are unhappy with how you feel your character was portrayed, you need to look at how I may see you, and why I see you that way, or if the character is even based on you in the first place.
3) if you are my dad, than yeah-I am pissed at you, and If given half a chance, will pro'lly make you into a pathetic dried up person, or a monster, or just leave you the way you are, and tell you everything I ever wanted to say to you but didn't have the guts, and hope you recognize yourself.
4) Once again, this will essentially be FICTION-fiction is false, entertaining, and not holden to reality-just because a character in my book is the sister of the narrator, does not mean she is my sister, and the narrator is not necessarily me.
5) if there is a crazy hat woman, she may or may not be based loosely on my mom
6) If the narrators or main characters relationships come into play-I will prolly make them much more numerous and scandalous than my relations have ever been, to make for better reading
7) I am not a monkey, this is not a type writer, this will not be shakespeare

birthday party hangover

Bigguy, who turns 4 on thursday, had his party on sunday. Many hours sat in the sun, talking, laughing, playing...I am so tired, and I have a slow burn. That's the sunburn that shows up a few hours after you've gotten out of the sun. The burn that only stays a little bit pink, before it fades to a tan, but still hurts like a sunbirn for a few days after. Cake, food, presents, friends-It was great. bigguy was his normal commical self, littleman slept for large amounts of time, too much heat and excitement, and the Mother-in-Law sent out an annoyed vibe. She is pleased that we are moving, but pissed that we are not buying right off the bat. She is just not understanding that as much as we would like to buy a house of our own, it isn't yet possible. Five weeks and five days till we move-then I have a dishwasher, my own kitchen, and my own space again.
Is it wrong that I fantasize about cooking?

Dude!!

I had a dream last night about my blog, maybe it was my subconcious telling me I needed to post more, or at least finish the posts I've started. Back to the dream in a minute. I haven't posted anything since we got the townhome, because as happy as I have been, all the posts I've started have been damn depressing. The nice thing about my blog is that it is mine. I can say anything I want here, and it's cool, I can say things that I normally wouldn't have the guts to say to family, and the get the idea, because some of my family reads this. I can just open up and let things flow. Sometimes, however, a writer doesn't always control what is flowing on any given day, and lately my mind has been very occupied with my dad. I tried very hard for many years to convince myself that Defunct-Dad couldn't possibly be as bad as all that, that it had to be Evil-Step-Mom's fault. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my dad is a human, and given to free will. He willfully dropped out of my life when I was 16, taking a moment every few years to pop back in and make me confused untill my first son was born. All of a sudden, there were grandchildren! We have to make things work for the kids! You know what-fuck that!!! 16 is still a kid, I was a kid when he ran away with the navy after the divorce, I was a kid when I needed him and he wasn't there, I was a kid when he started letting Evil-Step-Mom have a decission in my time with him, and it has impacted more of my life than I ever realized. Lately it's just all boiled to the surface, and if I don't get it out somewhere, I will temporarily cease to function, but at the same time, I do not need to dump it all on you, my readers. I have gotten most of it out, and th last few bits, I have saved for him, because it is not right that he go through life not realizing how his actions affect his only biological daughter.

Now back to the "Blog Dream"
I dreamt that I woke up, and went to make a post. Before I posted, I want and looked back through the previous posts, and found that I had a HUGE underground cult-like following that sprang up between 7pm and midnight. All of a sudden I had somewhere near 75 comments to every post, and people e-mailing me left and right, and it was scary overwhelming. The odd part, was that the people leaving comments were all leaving good, nice things-no snarking, no being an asshat, just good helpful encouraging things.
When I actually woke up-i realized it was a dream, and reumed my normal housewife life-but it was pretty neat.

WE GOT THE TOWNHOME!!!!

every now and then, time moves so quickly!

In a week and a half, Bigguy turns four. It doesn't seem like four years since he has been born, yet it was June 23, 2001, just before midnight, that he made his appearance in this world. Bugguy is very intelligent and likes to use big words, like vehicles and edible, instead of saying cars and trucks and planes, and can be eaten. I worry that as he grows older he will lose some of his properrnes and nit-pickyness that seems so unique right now. He also has a very refined pallat. He likes bleu cheese, and greek food, all vegetables, thai food, and had junior sushi last night(no fish or wasabi, but Eda Mame, egg custard, sea weed...he liked it.) He loves jazz music, word games, dancing, and moving his body to his emotions, ("Momma, this is how happy looks, this is how angry walks, this is how silly wiggles...See Momma, my body moves with my feelings and emotions, Here is confused, this is hungry...") I want him to be this innocent and open forever, I never want him to be ridiculed for being who he is, even if that person is rather different, and kind of obbsesive compulsive about very random seeming things. I want him to remain the boy who gets excited to the point of giggling when he figures out how something works. I want him to keep the drive that makes him figure out how things work in the first place.
"Look, Momma! The wheels on the train have a long rod that connects them at different places, that's how the wheels all go at the same speed so the train doesn't trip!"
"Poppa, I made your computer so it can run two things at once!"(a very exciting revalation for Bigguy)
"Momma, Littleman has teeth, so now he can start eating some food like me, and I can share with him, because his teeth will help him chew!"
the down side to having such an intelligent, sensitive, perceptive child is evident as well...
"Momma, are you sad because grandpa and grandma step-mom didn't call again."
"Momma, I have grandparents, how come you don't-do you miss them?"
"Poppa, where is your poppa, and how come we don't have pictures?"
"Poppa, will momma's daddy not be at my birthday again, like last year?"
How do I explain this to him, that we don't know who hubby's dad is, that my dad and step-mom are being pricks right now, and unfortunately, he got drawn into it, that eventually, grandparents die? I want him to hold on to his innocense for as long a possible, but at the same time, he will have to make and find his own truths in the world, and with that, the inocense andchild like sense of wonder can be lost.