Something wicked this way comes.

Slwoly, the atmosphere in my neighborhood and the surrounding areas is changing. People are becoming grumpier, trying to figure out how the hell they will be able to get from point A to point B. People are rescheduling long standing plans, stocking up on groceries so they won't have to go out, and all other manner of strange.

What is causing this element on anger, paranoia, and what have you?

Republicans.

The Republican National Convention is being held about 5 miles from my house. My in-laws live about 7 miles from my house. Because of the convention, if I want to drive to their house while the convention proper is scheduled, I will have to go a total of 20 miles OUT OF MY WAY!
I cannot drive the road that takes me from my house to their house, directly. I cannot drive on the road that will take me to half the places I go.

This is nuts. People are pissed, and there is not anything we can do about it except get out thee, march, and make our voices heard.

I don't want the RNC in my town, but moreover, I don't want another Republican in the white house.
Do your part- be heard, capmaign, protest, and get ready to vote.

as long as I have them...

I woke up miserably early this morning. OK, 7:30 isn't all that miserable, but when you were unable to fall asleep until after 4, it sucks. I was alternating between periods of insomnia, hot flashes (have had none for two weeks, was hoping it was it) and painful twinges predicting a kidney stone. I feel like shit- absolute shit. If I am getting a kidney stone, I have water, painkillers, and a hubby who has been there and done that multiple times over. More than likely, I can avoid the doctor, and thus avoid spending money we don't have, just to have someone tell me to drink water, take painkillers, and rest. The only time that a kidney stone warrants a Dr visit is if you are in extreme pain, and need someone to give you drugs, or if the dang things get stuck somewhere, and need help breaking down, getting out. In the last case, trust me, you know you need to see a Dr, now, and no amount of being stoic, or broke, for that matter, will stop you.

Anywho- it is ass early, I feel like shit, so I do the reasonable thing- paying bills, budgeting, etc... Yeah, nothing makes you feel better than trying to sit down and figure out a budget when you are broke. Three kids eat a lot, drink a lot of milk, and so on. We are managing, but I honestly have no clue where we would be right now if not for friends and family. I am facing, point blank, that life sucks, early in the morning, in pain, and feeling rather pitious. I am trying not to cry, as even though I know everything should be all right, it doesn't feel all right at the moment. In short, I was three seconds away from becoming one hot mess.

I figured I had some time to pull my shit together, and not freek anyone out, as I am The Strong One in the family/house and the kids do not handle me anything other than mom-like well. That is when I hear it, the pitter pat of little feet, and the thuddathuddathudda of little feet that are now jumping on the upstairs wood floor.
OK, Housewife- time to pull it together-go and get the kids.
Ahh, a moment of foresite cuts through the pain and pity- if I make their breakfast before I bring them downstairs, the morning will run smoother (insert laugh track here). I pop two waffles into the toaster (and God be praised the grocery store that has toaster waffles in their weekly specials for cheep when money is tight!) go upstairs, and am met at the bedroom door with...
Two angelic, beaming, faces. two little boys who are so happy to see me thay shout out Momma! Good Morning Momma, Love you Momma, and reach up for hugs and kisses.

Currently, Thor and Loki are sitting at the table, eating toaster waffles and drinking milk. Hermes is at a sleepover with his bestest friend.
Thor and Loki do not know how much their not caring that I look like crap, not caring that I am barely keeping shit together, not caring about anything other than that their Momma got them out of bed this morning made my day.

As long as I have them, Thor, Loki, and Hermes (who even though he isn't here, makes my day better, fustrating, but better, every day) I am OK. As long as I have them, I can see that I did something right, something good, and see that I have something to work for.
I may be in debt now, but I will get out of it. I may not have a great job now, but I am changing majors, restarting school this winter, and in a few years I will.
Life may suck for me at the moment, and I still do my best to hide from everyone, including Hubby, that it hits me as hard as it does, but for them, the boys, they don't care. They have what they need, and they are fine. They love me if I feed them generic peanutbutter and jelly on store brand bread just as much as if I feed them Uncrustables, by SMuckers. They don't care that their clothes are from thrift shops, orthe clearance rack at wallmart, that I compulsively clp coupons, that Ramen is cheap, and if I add chicken and veggies, almost healthy, about any of that, they just want to see their Momma in the morning, cuddle before breakfast, play before quiet time, and get a bed time story at night.
If I still have them, it is fine.

Maybe you had to have been there

I am going to relay a story now. This may be one of those things where you had to have been there, but for those who know Thor, and how he moves and says things, maybe not.

Hubby's cousin was visiting fro The Land of Mormon AKA Utah. Cousin was with her boufriend, the same boyfriend she has had for over 4 years. The same boyfriend she has had since she was 14. The boyfriend who moved to freakin Utah for her! Have we mentioned that her boyfriend is one of the greatest guys ever, because he is.

Thor wakes up after they have been here for a bit. Loki (formerly Buddha) wakes up at about the same time. They come screaming down the stares, see Cousin and Boyfriend, and start being shy.
"Thor" I said," Say hi to Cousin!"
"Oh, Hai Cuzzin" says Thor in that LOLcat way of his.
"Thor, can you give Cousin a hug?"
"Oh, no thanks" says he. It was so nonchalant. We all just cracked up.
A few minutes later "Thor, can you give Boyfriend a hug?" and without saying anything, he runs up and hugs Boyfriend.
a few minutes later "Loki, can you say hi to Cousin and Boyfriend?"
he does.
"Can you give Cousin a hug?"
and Loki runs up and hugs....Boyfriend.

We thought this was hugely funny.

morbid senses of humor, and support.

The Troll Who Lives under Our Stairs, or Friend, lost his mom last noght. She had lung cancer, and pnumonia, brought on by the cancer. She went at home, with her family by her side, which is what she wanted.
Friend is doing as well as could be expected, and is actually thankful for my morbid sense of humor, as it has helped him laugh.
She is being cremated, and wanted each of her kids to have a little bit of her, if they were OK wit that. I commented that he could still bring his dates home to meet his mom, and he cracked up. We went on like this for about fifteen minutes or so, and he said after that he was very thankful, as with the exception of Hubby and I, many people are treating him like a fragile flower at the moment.
He is hurting, but he also had time to plan for this. Thankfully, he does have support, both friends and family, but if anyone wants to have an extra thought or two for him over the next week, it couldn't hurt.

He's not 'normal' and that is OK.

The mother in law has spent an aweful lot of time with Thor over the summer. first, at the beginning of June, a road trip to Utah. In July, we spent four or five days with her, and then, she took ass three boys for a weekend so we could get down and CLEAN, and then, she just had the older two this weekend in Duluth.
A lot of time spent with a three year old, for sure.
A lot of good has come from this, he is more potty trained at this point than I had ever hoped he would be, he is comfy traveling in the car for long distances, he has seen a lot of great things. One of the downfalls of this is that she still insists that there is nothing really wrong with him, and he will grow out of it.

This is really frustrating on a couple of levels. First, wether or not he will magically grow out of the autism spectrim, and his sensory issues, he is dealing with them now. Second, there is a very real possibility that he will never grow out of it, third, there is a small chance that it could get worse.

Yes, I love when people treat him like a normal kid, but he has some things that make him not nomral. This means that, occasionally, you cannot treat him like an ormal kid. You have to take the time to differentiate between a meltdown and a tantrum before disciplining him, for example. You also have to ask any and every multiple choice question as many times as there are answers, changing the answers each time, so that each answer is last at least once. Why? Because often time, due to echolalia, he will repeat the last word or words he heard. You cannot ask him "Thor, would you like Orange Juice?" as he will generally say "Orange juice" you have to ask "Thor, would you like orange juice? Yes or no? No orange jioce or yes orange juice?" and so on. THis takes a long time, but it also prevents you from becoming upset because you aksed him what he wanted, he told you, and now he won't do anything with it.
Sometimes, even if you do give him what he actually wants, it will be wrong. Understanding is needed that when something is wrong, nothing will make it right.

I hape every day that he is able to lead a fairly normal life, while preparing for the fact that he may not. It would really make her life easier, and mine, if she would do the same, otherwise, I don't know what will happen if he doesn't 'snap out of it' at 7 or 12. I don't know how she will handle it.

Also, she really needs ot stop giving me parenting advice. I know what sort of mom she was, and seriously, her advice is not anything I will really listen to.



Off topic- There may be some name changes in the blog. As Buddha gets older, we realize that Loki may be a better moniker.

Bewarned- removal of your uterus is falling prey to the "patriacharl overplan" Dunh dun DUNHHHH!!!

Pardon the exceptionally long post title, but you will see where it fits in a minute.

As all of my values (10 ) readers know, I had a hysterectomy just over a month ago.
As many of you know, I think of myself as a feminist. Not a spelling women womyn, men are evil, we rule the world, sort of feminist, more of the woman's right to chose, women should be treated the same, we rule the world sort of feminist.

I raise my boys to respect women. I choose to do this by being a stay at home/work from home mom. Partly, this choice was made for me, because DAMN, daycare is expensive! Mostly, though, I made the choice when we only had one, and I was lucky enough to be in a position to take care of him. I would rather raise my own kids. I would like to take this moment to make clear that this is not a mommy-drive-by. Women who choose to work, choose to daycare their kids, choose to stand naked in front of the statue of liberty, all made their choice- it was theirs to make, and there are pros and cons to each one. Women who choose to daycare their kids are no better or worse of mom's than I am, and women, like my own mom, who had thei kids in day care because they were busting their asses working, going to school,m being a single parent with little to no help, they deserve to be cannonized.

Anywho, there is a group of women who believe, and more over a group of men who believe there is a group of women who believe, if you follow me, that the world is run by a Patriarchy- Men rule the world, everything that happ-ens is because of men, and we should fight it at every turn. The unfortunate thing about htis is that the few women who actually believe this cannot agree on how to stop it. I digress.

A woman who believes this recently told me- TOLD ME, that my hysterectomy was playing into the patriarchal overplan. I didn't even know there was a patriarchal overplan. Apparently, I didn't get my wicked-crazy feminist newsletter this month.
I asked how in the world taking out an organ that was doing me not only no good, but great harm, was falling prey to 'The Man!".

Apparently, it was not really diseased (amazing that someone who has never met me in person, who has never read my pathology, seen the imaging, or dealt with the (I shit you not) month and a half of bleeding, with no days off, and cramps that needed prescription grade narcotics to make tolerable, was able to know this). No! It was removed to 'dewomanize me' because the uterus is what makes you a woman.

I asked about transgendered peoples- they are women, they have no uterus. They are women in their souls, apparently.

So, to get this straight- if you were not born with a uterus, your soul makes you a woman. If you WERE born with a pear sized and shaped organ, you are only a woman as long as you have it. Gotcha!

She went on that it was removed to 'shackle me' to their way of thinking, that women are objects, they can do as they please with us, and we allow it.

AHA! I have no more uterus- therefore-I don't count...right?
Nope!

Finally, I was told it was wrong for me to be a stay at home mom, as I was not showing my boys what a strong, working, woman looks like. Nevermind that both their grandmas, all their aunts, and many other females they are in contact with regularly, work, I am not.

When I pointed out that since the DEFUNCT organ was removed, I cannot have anymore kids, so I will be able to not only afford to work out of the house sooner, as the number requiring daycare will dwindle- I will have fewer painful periods, allowing me to work out of the house- I was told I was wrong! As and pay attention folks if I start working outside fo the house now, I will prove to my boys that the patriarchy is in control of my life!
Yeah, I cannot figure it out, either.

I am amazed I wasn't chided for only having boys (as has happened before, by the way.)

So, the patriarchal overplan- watch out for it, becaue apparently, it is everywhere.

Batch of cookies to anyone who can explain this one to me...seriously.

weary

I am still felling pretty good, but I am bone tired right now, and I cannot sleep. It could be the two hours, yea TWO hours I spent getting Buddha to sleep, and making sure he didn't wake up Thor. It could be the body letting itself relax after the bath that I took earlier, it could be that I am so ready to go home after spending a few days at the mother-in-laws. Whatever it is, I wish it would either go away or let me sleep.

Add to it the total hormonal rollercoaster I am on right now. I know it's temporary, but there is a small prt of me that fears that my ovaries arent' going to reboot, and that I'll be thrown into surgical menopause at 29 Su re, there are far worse things that could happen, but A) it isn't rather high in my list of good things, and B) the hormone surges are making me blow everything out of proportion right now. Seriously, I am amazed that the cartoonish men in white coats with the person sized butterfly nets haven't shown up yet.

2 weeks post op

Tomorrow, around 8 am makes 2 weeks without an uterus. I feel better than I have in a long time, even though I am still sore, and I really, really, need to do a better job of not overdoing it. I feel fine atthe time, but a few hours to the next day, it really messes me up. I am making sure that I am not lifting anything too heavy, and I am not pushing or pulling anything I shouldn't, but I am just doing too much of the stuff I have been cleared to do.

Even though I kept my ovaries, their blood supply will be choked off some for a little while, so I am having some unique experiences. I have been having hot flashes, which sucks donkey, I go back and fourth between periods of insomnia and total lethargy/falling asleep at the drop of a hat, and even though my hair looks awesome, and my fqacial hair is less pronounced, I have been breaking out some over the last few days. All of this should even out in a month or so as my ovaries realize they can function on their own. The pathology was back by mu post op check up - the images of the overies are looking great, and the cervix is really healthy, but I did have adenomyoma- which in an odd way is nice- it means that we were right, and having the hysterectomy was the right thing to do. Honestly, I am %95 percent fine with the decision, there are times when I get a little sad or depressed about it, as it is a major change, but it's the right thing to do, and heck, at 29, I'll never have another period again. I could wear white pants with impunity if I so chose- no interrupted vacations, no period bloat, none of that. On the scky side- since I kept the ovaries, I may still PMS, have cravings, moodswings, and the like, but I think it's a fair trade.

Right now I ma at my mother-in-law's house. my father in law is on vacatio0n until thursday, so it's just her, her dog, and the two yappers she is dog sitting for the friend who is camping with h\the FIL. Since she has more room than us, and has central air, we will be here until at least wednesday. It feels wierd staying here when we have our own perfectly gooed house, but I totaqlly need the help post op, the boys are happy to see her, and tuesday, when it should be in the nineties, the central air will be nice.
The troll who lives under our stairs will be looking after our cat and dog in our absence, and he will definately enjoy having some time to himself. Word came down from the powers on high that the tumor in his mom's lung is now beyond treating, so he knows that she has two months ,at the most, so he needs some time alone to assimilate the changes, and help out his family, and to finaly let some of his emotiions out.

Well, time to loie down again, as the laptop is still more comfy to use than a standard computer, buit I tire really easilly now, and will for a few more weeks, so signing off- Later!

Blog Tour!!!

Being I have not been posting the way I shouldh ave been for the blog tour, and being I picked this weeks post topic- I present to you, on time and everything- What Foods Taste Like Their Color!

Bluefrost gatorade tastes blue- I cannot explain why, but if you ask me what blue taste likes, it's that.
Tomatoes- ripe garden tomatoes- must be garden or farmers market- are what organic red tastes like- Tropical punch koolaid is artificial red.

I have yet to find anything, other than wheatgrass juice, that tastes green, and I do not really wish to try.

I was rather disturbed by a piece of fruit the other day, as it was orange in color, but tasted yellow...still working on that.

I have always wondered if I was the only one who assigned colors to tastes. I know there is a ...somthing, I don't want to say disorder...neural quirk, maybe? that assigns tastes to visiual things, as well as smell to sounds, and vice versa- but this isn't it. It isn't that I look at blue, and taste anything, it's just that blue has a definative taste.

I do know that for Thor, words have flavor, as do colors. If something is too bright for him, it tastes spicy, for some reason, and we have to give him something to drink. He has also said that his soft blanket makes his mouth taste like vanila pudding.

Blog Tour!!!

whole lot of things

So, first- head on over to fatrant.com - Joy Nash has posted her third fatrant video- and once again, all us 'bigger girls' out there thank her.

Second- I have been having issues posting lately- actual tech issues. I have made blogger aware of my various and sundry errors as they come up, but it isn't entirely my fault that we've been dead overhere.

Third- I will be out of the loop for a bit. I go in on the 30th to have the faulty uterus removed, so I will mroe than likely not be posting for a bit, what with the hospital and the drugs and all.

fathers' day

Today, I would like to honor my husband, my step-dad, and my father in law.
My father in law was not a great dad to his own kids, but he is trying really hard to be one heck of a good grandpa, and a good father in law. He routinely takes time out of his own life to help us with something around the house, or to help out when I have been recovering from issues related to my uterus.
Hubby- he did not have a dad growing up. When he was 18, he spent two years taking cre of his ailing grandfather, who was sufferring dementia. Hubby does his best by Hermes, Thor, and Buddha- he can admit that he isn't the greatest dad ever, but he is trying, and does more every day.

JazzCat- my step-dad. At 16/17 years of age, he showed me what a father should be. Loving unconditionally, raising and accepting, he not only rasied his two children well, he accepted me and my sister, with our myriad of faults. I did many things in ly mate teens that I know hurt my mom, and him. He has never heald it over my head, treated me badly, or showed anyhting but love and concern for me. He took a messed up teenager and showed her what fatherly love was, when her own biological father was using the love of a father as a bargaiing tool, something to be taken away when she did not behave to his standards.
Thank you to all of them, thank you to JazzCat, and thank you to mom, for being a dad to sistahgirl and I for many years.

I miss reading you

I was thinking earlier about some of the blogs that I have loved, and how much I miss reading them.
My sister has had some awesome blogness in her day, but I don't htink she blogs publicly anymore,and that is fine.
I have had some other good friends leave the world of blogging, either because they left the mortal coil, they left the internet, or they just grew out of it.

Sometimes, It is hard for me to post here, so I can understand why they all went, but I still miss reading them, even when I can talk tothem every day if I wanted to, there is something nice about reading them.

I will work on posting more.
I have been getting some things figured out, as my brain isn't always working the way I think it should, and I have been having much internal monologue readfying myself for when the Dr calls me and tells me that it's time to schedule the hysterectomy. It is almost certain at this point that I will be uterus free by christmas, maybe even before next school year starts for Hermes, and it's a lot on top of everythign else.

sometimes, it's just hectic

I had a friend ask me recently how I was doing, and the only answer I could give her was "Sometimes, it's just hectic".

That's about it for now.

Breath in, hold, now breath out...doesn't that feel better?

First, to my blogroll groups, both fiction and non-sorry that I totally flaked on the last assignments, sometimes life just cannot help but get in the way, and blogging was scary, 'cause I didn't know what would actually come out my fingers.
The older that Buddha gets, the more I realize how far behind Thor is. THen, there are days like yesterday, where everything in the world is wrong with Thor, and I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to make it better for him, because I don't know how he sees the world, and it just kills me inside that I cannot make him feel better. NOte, I did not say make him better, As long as he is healthy, I see nothing wrong with how his world is, as frustrating as it can be, I just wish I knew how he felt things, saw things, heard things, so I could help. He also has started having major abandonment issues whenever he sees anyone leave...anyone, could bethe UPS guy, for all he seems to care.
Buddha is starting to hide how well he talks, how well he does things, etc...I know it's normal behaviour, but it's frustrating.
Hermes is acting out in school some, ebcause he is bored off his ass, and we just cannot keep up with him.
Hubby is alternating between being really helpful, and not being really helpful, which is driving me nuts, I just want some consistancy.
I have no clue how long I'll be able to keep my uterus.
I have no clue what the heck is happening in my head sometimes, but Oh, therapists cost money, something I just don't have enough of at the moment.

I start working the second week in may. I start getting a check the first week in june. That will skew the budget enugh where, if I can just find the time, I can start doing the therapy thing. In the fall Hermes will get in for the G&T testing, so we can have an advocate to help make sure he is getting enough education wise. In the fall, Thor should be starting a preschool program, whichwill help, and I can maybe finally have some one on one time with Hermes so I know my own kid better.

Sorry for the rant, I am fine, really, I just needed to blow some steam.

Non-fiction blogroll assignment

When I become Queen of the World!!

This is actually something that I have given serious thought to, so is not all whimsey. Oddly, for those who don't know him, logically, for those who do, I took a lot of inspiration from Hermes.

First rule of order- Anyone can marry anyone else they want to, with the exception of close blood relations. If two boys want to get married, great, two girls, fabulous, a bay and a girl, great! Also, if any number of people decided that they love one another, want to honor one another, and do right by one another, they should be allowed to.

People will be able to wear whatever is comfortable, gender aside. If a boy wants to wear skirts nad dresses, no problem. If someone wants to wear ball gowns, so long as it doesn't impact their ability to do what they have to do, have at it!

Food will not be eaten according to any rigid schedule. To directly quote Hermes "If it's food, and you east it for breakfast, it IS breakfast food!"

Gas prices-there i no reason whatseover that gas should be as expensive as it is. In the small timeframe between my being made Queen of the World, and alternative fuel sources being made common place, gas will be affordable.

Stay at home moms will earn full social security benefits, based on what their pay would be for their individual daily tasks, cleaning, nanny, teacher, bookkeeper, etc...

"Well, that's the size of a large baby!"

I checked my e-mail and saw that my text books and necesarry suplies for next term have been shipped! Yay. I check the tracking info, and it weighs 9 pounds!! 9 pounds of text! I comment to a friend that I have 9 pounds of class stuff being shipped to me, and I wonder what it is? She asks what my next term classes are. I explain that they are Software Applications for the HealthCare Professional, and the other is Anotomy and Physiology. Her reply was "Well, that is the size of a large baby! Do you think they are sending you a large baby for A&P?"

head meet palm.

blogroll fiction #1

I can hear that car driving up and down the street again. Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa...god, I wish they could turn their friggen base down. I used to be excited when I heard the car, I thought it would be Dominic, coming home. He always listened to his bass like that, although he would thud clasical and swing music, not rap.
I hadn't seen Dominic in years, I don't even know why I still thought of our place as 'our' place, or even 'his'. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Since I am awake, I decide that OJ sounds good. On my way to the fridge I glance out the window. The thumpa-bass car isn't the one that normally bothers me, this one is blue, not red. I don't think I had seen the blue car before, but then, I am notmally not rooting around for orange juice at two in the mornnig anyways.
As I get into the kitchen, I notice the clock on the microwave isn't telling the time, it is flashing 'end' over and over again. I could have sworn that I hit the clear button after making dinner, but I guess not.
After drinking my juice right out of the carton, I decide that it's probably time to go back to bed, hopefully the bass car won't keep me awake. Where is the bass? I can't hear it anymore, must have driven off. I look back out the window, and the blue car is still there, parked, empty, someone is getting a 2am visitor.
As I make it back into the bedroom, there is a knock, on the door...Dominic!

In all seriousness

Normally, if I post about Hubby here, it is a rant, or a simple post about his awesomeness, generally followed by a rant.

I realized something today, while doing some research for a project paper for school about Fat. (Yes, I am writing a brief med terminology paper about being fat). Hubby started dating me when I was roughly 160 pounds. Right about where I should be, according to the BMI, and a little less than I should be according to any reasonably sane, sighted person. Hubby has been with me when I wieghed more than 100 pounds over that (My highest recorded weight ever was during my last pregnancy, when I hit 270, roughly). He has supported me in my efforts to lose weight for my health, he has supported me when those efforts don't always work, almost always because I really, really like food, and frankly, I dislike most excersize. I am blessed to have a husband who seems o find me more attractive when I am heavy. He loves my curves, and makes no bones about it.

He supports me in school, in work, in being a stay at home mom. He is totally holding up his end of the implied sickness and health contract.

He may not be the greatest at cleaning, socializing with other people, or being as articulate as he can be. He is coarse, gruff, cantankerous, and has an off sense of humor. He is fiercely protective of me and the boys, so much so that some people assume he is controlling, when he isn't.

He is also an amazing father, a wonderful husband, and a good person. He is a nice guy, and I am admn lucky to have him.

April Fools blog

So, I had a choice today to right an april fool's post, a post aout my phobias, or a post about the worst hotel I have ever stayed at.

After deciding that I did not want to do an april fools post, and after deciding that I really did not want to relive the worst hotel, I am posting about phobias.

Clowns...don't like them. It was made worse by reading It in the bathtub as a teenager. It was made even worse when, 8 years ago, I am working in Downtown, during the time the circus was in town. While having a smoke on my lunch hour, a fully made up clown asked to bum one, then honked his nose at me. I am convinced they smell fear.

Things with too many legs. Can't really explain it.

Getting caught in a small, bendy, space, with occasional stepped opening that I could plummet to my death through. I know that this combines multiple phobias, but I have a recurring bad dream where, for some reason, I have to fit through a barely big enough space, that has a lot of acute turns in it, making it smaller, and then will have a 5 foot gap I have to cross, or I will plummet.

Being not right. I have always feared that there is something wrong with me. I don't mean that I have a feeling something isn't right, or even that I think something isn't right. Every now and then I will just be hit by a sudden fear that something is wrong. Maybe that something is mental, maybe physical, maybe both or neither. The feeling almost always goes away as quickly as it comes on.

Not having friends. This isn't a phobia, more of an irrational fear. I know I have friends, I cannot imagine life without them, sometimes, though, I think they are gone. They are not, it is just me.

Twilight places. Twilighty places scare the heck out of me, I don't know why.