rememberance, part 1

Just over 13 years ago, two brothers set fir to a duplex in Minneapolis, in the middle of the night. The resulting fire had flames shooting over three stories above the two-level home's roof. In the upstairs, was the home's owner, a friend of my dad's family, a bachelor, and his two dogs. In the basement, was pictures and memorabilia of my dad's family's life. In the main level, my aunt, and my grandma, and memories and relics from my grandfather, like his flag encased in a frame, with five bullets-a memory of his time in the service.
My Aunt had just gone into her room, at the back of the house, after making toast. My grandma had been in her room, in the center of the hosue, for a few hours, and was sound asleep. The fire was set at the front corner. The house was old, with wooden siding, wooden floors, a wooden framed front porch. the front porch had an old couch, an old wicker chair, and lamps, with old papaer and cloth shades. The other side of the front porch had piles of newspaper, ready to be brought to recycling the next day.
The fire spread quicvkly, for even though it was the winter, it had been very cold that year, and there wasn't much snow to act as a damper. My aunt recalls hearing a crackling noise, and smelling burnt toast. When she left her room, and entered the kitchen, the house was full of smoke. She panicked, she thought that the toaster had shorted, and set the house on fire. The house was on fire, but not due to the toaster, no, it was started by two people who had never met anyone who lived in the home.
My aunt was not able to get to my grandma. Someone outside the home saw the flames, and dialed 911. Emergency vehicles were on their way.
The man who lived upstairs was not home that night. His dogs, however, perished in the fire. They believe the smoke got to them before the flames. My aunt, sitting in a bus that arrived to offer shelter, had very bad frost bite on her toes.
The firefighters were able to enter the home, and get out my grandma. She was very badly burned. It was found at the hospital that she had third through fifth degree burns over 85% of her body. In some places, the burning was so bad, you could see charred bone. She was unconcious, at the time, they didn't know if it was from shock, or smoke inhalation. They were grateful for her unconciousness, however, and administered drigs in the way to the hospital to keep her that way. My aunt still though that the fire was caused by her making toast.
By the times the flames were put out, there was really nothing left. Because it was so cold, some of the items in the basement, like the pictures, were encased in ice from the hoses. There was water damage, and some are gone forever, but some still exist. The pictures of my grandfather, of my uncle who passed before I was born, and of my great gramma were all on the main level, and are gone forever.
At the hospital, my aunt found out that the fire was not her fault, that it was arson.
At the hospital, we found out that gramma had severe brain damage. That even if she survived the treatments for the burns, she would probably never function again, and if she did, she would be in constant pain, in a wheelchair, more than likely unable to communicate. Ultimately, the request to stop treatment, and to not allow lifesaving measures was made. We know she wouldn't want to live this way.
Thirteen years ago, on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, she was buried, in a closed coffin ceremony. I had never personally seen a funeral so large before. Everyone whose life she touched was there. MY mom, my aunt, her sister, and my maternal gramma were even there. At this point, my mom had been divorced from my dad for 14 years.
My aunt needed years of therapy. She needed to learn that it was not her fault. She needed to learn how to live on her own. It took almost 8 years before she could make toast, or smell burnt toast, without becoming physically ill.
Shortly after Hermes was born, the brothers who seet the fires finally had their day in court. It took six and a half years for the system to provide any sort of justice. It was found out that they had set fires before, It was found out that the older brother, shortly before burning my grandma's home, had set fire to the trailer where his ex girlfriend and toddler daughter lived. They were charged with the federal offense of arson in the first, and premeditated homicide. They argued that they didn't know anyone was in the home, but legally, if you set fire to a residence, it is believed that the assumption it is occupied is present.

withen the year following, well the six months following, the fire, is when I first lost contact with my dad. I do not know if it was truly a series of miscommunications, if it was the Step-mom's influence, or if losing his mom finally caused him to flake completely.

A month and a half after burying my paternam grandmother, my maternal gramma died in her sleep.

Every now and then, especially around this time of year, it still hurts. I still miss my paternal grandma deeply. I have no way of knowing what her lifespan shuld have been. I have no way of knowing if she would have lived to see her first biological grandsons, or what she would have thought of them.
I still miss her. I still love her. Occasionally, I drive past where the house was. It's a parking lot, now. Much of the old neighborhood has changed, but there are still some people, who if they see me, when I get out of the van, can peg me as being her granddaughter. They all make a point oftelling me how much she loved me, how proud sahe was of everything I did, and that she always knew I would grow up to do great things.
I wonder, if she is looking over me, sometimes. If she sees how smart her grandson's are. If she is disappointed in her son, for letting me go. If she knows that I crochet and knit, like she did, or if she knows that I can make her ham gravy, and goulash. Would she be proud?

Hey Folks!

Greetings to my loyal readership, of which I could count on my fingers!

Seriously, I had my first weigh in after starting my Jenny Craig program, and I lost 5 pounds!! GRanted, it's my first week, and I will see a larger drop the first few weeks, most of which is water weight, but still, 5 pounds...80 ounces. Next time you are at the grocery store, pick up a 5 pound bag of fruit...I lost that.

Thor is starting to talk more, and mroe clearly, every day. Somehow, after we got his routine set again after christmas, it got all wonky on us. We are working on dealing with it, but it's really tough on me. Hubby has been home sick most of the week, thankfully he has sick time, and Thor and Buddha seem to have picked up his cold, which is going to make the whoe getting back to normal thing that much harder.
What is totally awesome, though, is that Thor is realizing that if he wants something, and asks for it by name, he is mroe likely to get it. It's awesome. At lunch I'll get "Momma, more ap-ploo Juicy-Juice...puh-le-ase? Yeas?"
When he is having his "quiet time" in his room I'll get "Momma, Iceh Age Mo-Veeee, puh-le-ase?Yeas?"
What is really cracking Hubby and I up is his tendancy to ask "Yes?" immediately after asking for something. It's like, in his mind, if hesays yes immediately after asking, we will say yes.
On the down side, with more talking and active communication, he is starting in with "No!" Not the drawn out no of the past, that could mean any number of things fron no, to yes, to oh, look, there's a butterfly on the window, but an actual, sharp, childlike 'no!'. Take the good with the bad.

Buddha, well, he's a little pick pocket. He can take something from you, while you are looking dead at him ,and you don't even realize. He is talking much more now. Apparently, he was one of those kids who waited till he could break out the full sentances. Apparently, he is also a teenage girl. The bulk of what he says currently is "I don't know", "I'm cute, yeah?", "I want it", and, my personal favorite, even though I try not to show it "Oh Shit! What was that!"
He also loves to make people laugh, and if you walk up to him and say "Buddha, monkey?" He will do an AWESOME monkey impersonation. He can also count to three, tell you who and what things are, and in general, is pretty much where he should bne for a kid who's 21 months old.

Hermes...Hermes, Hermes, Hermes, Hermes. He is smart. This is causing some issues. When he gets bored in school, because he already knows what their doing, and he finished his work, he talks. When I picked him up last night, after King Fu, I had a few mnutes to talk with his school director, think principal. She let me know that they've had a few problems with his talking this week,. They understand it's because he's, and I quote, "Much smarter than most kids his age, if not in the school", but she also let me know that his teacher is very smart as well, which is why Hermes is in her class. They are going to work more on coming up with things for him to do, and I am working with him more and the importance of not talking out of turn. I explained to him that when he is talking when he isn't supposed to, it makes it harder for other kids to learn. He doesn't want that, so he will work on it. We are also practicing being quiet when there is nothing to do at home. As long as he has something to work on, he is good, but it's getting hard to find busy work for him at school. They really don't want to have him skip a grade, yet, as he still needs to work on socialization, and he's already the youngest in his class (june birthday) and the shortest in his class...heck, alot of the kindergarten kids are bigger than he is.
His Kung Fu instructor let me know last night that Hermes is the smallest and youngest in his particular group, and that Hermes could take down any one of them. The kid is strong, and actually has really good control. Hubby and I are thinking that, come spring, we will start working on budgeting in the money to keep Hermes in Kung Fu over the summer, and maybe add a class outside of school during the school year. We do not want to overload him, but he enjoys it, and it is something we can use to help him behave. If he doesn't behave, no Kung Fu that week, outside of school.

Happy new years, and all that

First, a very happy new years to my massive readership...my counts place you at maybe just into the double digits, w00t!!!
Tonight I have my first appointment with my Jenny Craig advisor, Melissa. We will not only weigh me, but get my body fat percentage (boo), discuss my weightloss goals, and get my menu for the first week or two. I am really excited about this. I was talking with a friend who is also in the weightloss study, and is in the Jenny Criag over the phone group, and after talking with her advisor, going over the amount of weight she has to lose (which is in the ballpark of mine) and everything else, she found out that it is possible to be at our goal weight come christmas next year. It would be amazing to be back where I belong for the major picture taking holiday of the year!

This is me, doing a happy dance.

I started the process a little ways back of trying to qualify for a weightloss study. It is a really unique study, as it is a clinical, university sponsored study, but it is being backed by Jenny Craig. The studdy will unltimately involve 440 women over 4 states, some using Jenny, some with a nutritionist.
I just got the call letting me know that I am in!!!
I am so excited.
I will be in the group that does Jenny Craig with an actual advisor, in person, instead of over the phone.
TWO FREE YEARS of Jenny Craig for doing this study.
YAY!!!!!
Wish my luck. I will have a clinical every 6 months at the U, and I am going to have Hubby take some baseline before pics for me tonight, then I will have them done after every clinical. The pics are just fo my use, but I'm a very visual person, so for me, will better represent my change over pounds on the scale.
WOOT!!!!

This is me, doing a happy dance.

I started the process a little ways back of trying to qualify for a weightloss study. It is a really unique study, as it is a clinical, university sponsored study, but it is being backed by Jenny Craig. The studdy will unltimately involve 440 women over 4 states, some using Jenny, some with a nutritionist.
I just got the call letting me know that I am in!!!
I am so excited.
I will be in the group that does Jenny Craig with an actual advisor, in person, instead of over the phone.
TWO FREE YEARS of Jenny Craig for doing this study.
YAY!!!!!
Wish my luck. I will have a clinical every 6 months at the U, and I am going to have Hubby take some baseline before pics for me tonight, then I will have them done after every clinical. The pics are just fo my use, but I'm a very visual person, so for me, will better represent my change over pounds on the scale.
WOOT!!!!

This is me, not writing a paper

I have a paper due tomorrow in medical law and ethics. I have it roughed out, but I still need to write it. I cannot do that properly until I have my APA manual from the future SIL, in a few hours. I thought I would just write it, using my previous paper as a ghuide on what, and what not, to do, formatting and citation and reference wise. My professor did an awesome job of marking it up for me, and explained why I got the grade I did. (Queck aside, the difference between Hubby and I thinking wise-he thinks that a 89.64% is an awesome grade for my first ethics paper, I am pissed that I didn't do better.) All of this was before she put word out to the class that she graded our first papers leniently.
Yeah, she'll be grading this one harsher, and now panic has set in. I need to be perfect, damnit!
I am at a 96% or better in both of my classes right now, and I just feel that I can be doing soooo much better. Hubby teases me that I am not living up to my full potential by less than four per cent. He is only teasing, I need to make that clear. He is trying to point out how rediculous my need to be perfect is.

The worst part about this paper is that I know full well I could get an extensuion on it if I wished, since my MIL is having surgery tody. Instead, I will stay up late, working on it today, and proofing it tomorrow, so it can get turned in on time.

I am totally rediculous. I don't have this problem in my other class, just this one.

Also, I turned 29 yesterday...woohoo!

Frightening conclusion:

Either I am much smarter than I give myself credit for, or a cast majority of the populace is painfully stupid.
If I am actually smarter than I give myself credit for, okay...I can deal with this. It will probably make my schooling easier, and maybe I will find that, after a few years on the job, Iwant to further my education in the medical field. I don't want to work with actual patients, but there are a ton of jobs that deal with medical records, all of which I think would be interesting. There are also the opportunities, even in medical transcription, for research, to be published in journals, etc.
If, on the otherhand, other people are as stupid as it appears, by looking at my classes, and random discussions, I fear for society. I am thankful to have smart kids, to hopefully counteract the vast wave of stupidity that is trying to drag us down.

Is it so hard to come up with answers to people that are not "I agree/Disagree", or "You are wrong/right"? Why do you think that way. how do you know this, could you share your information with me?
Politics, don't just bitch, get involved. Don't like a referendum, get out there and find out why, how to change it, and vote against it...don't just sit and whine.
Cannot figure out why tort reform is a good thing? Have you actually looked into what needs to be proven or disproven to sue a doctor? Do you realize that it is virtually impossible to hold a medical assistant responsible for their actions, but instead, you can sue the doctor?

I am in an age bracket, and in a lifestyle bracket( stay-at-home, late twenty-something female, with kids) where it seems like the majority of my peers are more concerned about what others will think about their beliefs, actions, reactions than what their beliefs/reactions/actions actually mean. If I hear one more woman say that she is supporting or going to vote for ____ because that is what her husband says to do, I am going to scream. Don't do what your husband says is right, do what you think is right! Do your research. You tell me that Universal Healthcare is bad, why? Have you looked into what it means for you, your children, or are you just parrotting your man and your parents.

I am going to make a point of raising my kids to question things, to learn, to try and chnge things they think are wrong. We have been doing this since day one. We are not raising Anarchists, but maybe we are raising Revolutionairies!!!

why are all the stupid people in my classes?

Academic strategies-we are discussing critical thinking. The Prof asks us to define crtitical thinking without using the following words- thought, thinking, wondering, critical.
The first person to respond stated: Thinking about things all the way though.
Can we find the issue with that statement?

In Medical Law, Ethics and Bioethics, it took twenty minutes to explain to someone the difference between a summons and a subpeona. What so hard to understand about " A summons demands someone presence in front of a judge to stand as a defendant in a criminal or misdemeanor case. Failure to replyu will result in a default judgement against the defendant. A subpeona commands the presence of a person or document in front of a judge or grand jury in order to provide information in a case in order to support a claim made by the defendant or plaintiff. failure to appear could result in being fined, and held in contempt of court." They are different-Summons means you've been bad, subpeana means you have information. AAARRRGGHHH.

Well, that was certainly an adult way to present your case...not!!!!

We were having a very civil discussion on a board I frequent. The discussion was about children on the autism spectrum and church services.
Thor, as you all know, lives somewhere near the happy, somewhat normal, end of the spectrum. Just odd enough to be on the spectrum, just normal enough to not be considered autistic by parents with severely, like Rhett's syndrome, autistic children.
This civil conversation is where a parent of a severely autistic boy decided to anounce that she felt that autism was the new "fad" diagnoses, like ADD was in the 90's. She also went on to say that the issues with high functioning kids, like mine and many other parents involved in the discussion, were sufferring from bad parents who wanted to lable their kids instead of own up to being lazy.

Oh yes, she went there.

I am the first to admit my laziness. I am the first to question my parenting skills. I have also spent litterally hundreds of hours sitting in various and sundry doctors offices while they tested Thor, watching them try and tell me that it could very well get worse as he gets older, that we do not know what is wrong, that he is freakishly strong, so many of the techniques for calming and coping won't work.
I am the one who went with him to class twice a week for 4 months, trying to make him socialize.
I am the one who is always wondering if he is getting better, getting worse, if it's my fault, etc.

I fully understadn that she has it harder than I do, in the behaviour from a special needs kid department, but just because I have it 'easier' does not mean that there isn't a problem, does not mean that it ismy fault, and does not mean that her words didn't hurt like effing hell.

Thor is doing awesome, by the way. He is talking more daily, and almost playing with other kids that are not related to him. Unfortunately, as this is happenning, we are getting more meltdowns, less eye contact, and more stimming and hand flapping. No one ccan tell me what, if anythign this means, and all I can do is hope for the best.

conferences

We had Hermes' conference this morning. It went rather well. His teacher gave us the bad-he needs to work on fine motor skills, he needs to talk less out of turn- both of which we already knew. She requested that we work with him more on his responding in Mandarin in classroom discussions. We will talk to him about it, and remind him that it is OK to get words wrong, that his teachers will help him. We know he has an exceptional understanding of the language, and his pronounciation is spot on.

The one thing she really wanted to realy was that he is smart. Very smart. Smart smart.
In her broken english she explained that Hermes is a good student to build on, education wise. He aced his "hard all in chinese math test", and she is excited to teach him. She also said that he would probably go on to get his PH.D no problem.
Yay, smart kid. We know what to work with him on, and where to encourage him, and he loves science!

doin' fine

Well, peoples, I am three weeks into my school, and currently holding up pretty well.
I am holding a perfect score in my Med law and bioethics class, and one point shy of perfect in my Accademic strategies for the medical professional class. I lost a friggen point to formatting in discussion posts =(

I plan on doing my most to keep my grades as high as possible, throughout my schooling career. I figure as long as I am smart about time management, and starting in on essays with enough time to have them proofed before they are turned in, I'm all good. Luckilly my future sister in law is a TA for a writing class, and has had to do all of her 4 years of papers in the APA format. She will proof my work for me, if I ask, and be brutally honest, wich I need.

The weight is slowly coming off, and I might be in a UofM weightloss study, which would be pretty awesome. I have almost finished shaking the resp. infection, and shouldn't need another round of antibiotics. After the new year, when we are under the new insurance plan for huuby's job, I am also going to bo looking into braces, for me...the new dental policy covers a large chunk of adult orthodontia, rending two refferrals, and I have had random dentists tell me I need braces, so that shouldn't be a problem. I'll probably wait till the spring, when Hubby will have tons o' overtime again, so it won't hit our current budget.

The Pantheon is doing awesome, and we have sonferences for Hermes in the morning...I'll keep you loyal readers posted.

blatant overachiever when it comes to multitasking.

I have been busting my butt for the last few weeks to get the house as clean as possible before I start school. I have been juggling dishes, laundry, and kids like it were an olympic medal event.
Multitasking fears me.
Since I have multitasking down to an artform, it makes sense it would spill into the rest of my life.
I just got back from the doctor. I woke up feeling like crap after being perfect for a while on sunday.
I have the killer combo of an upper respiratory, and a sinus infection, all rolled into one!
Luckilly, they take the same antibiotic and OTCs to cure, but man. On the plus side? No strep!

hourglass figure

So, I was taking measurements earlier today. As I lose weight, I plan on making some more of my own clothing, so it fits right, as I am oddly proportioned. People will argue that with me, but I am. I have really wide shoulders, really wide hips, a really high, and oddly small for my size, natural waist, and i big ol' ribcage.
After taking my measurements, though, I realized that the ratio is really rather 1940's Vargas Girl, hourglassy.
I have determined that I have the hourglass figure, it just holds a wee bit more sand is all!

Awesome!

We ordered some books for Hermes through the scholastic orderforms. These things have been sent home with students since the dawn of time, I swear.
Anyways, since Hubby and I had the money, we ordered a couple of things. We held off on the Shel Silverstien, as we think those are going to be 'gift' books, books for christmas, or birthdays, We did, however, get a twelve pack of Magic Schoolbus books, a four pack of Flat Stanley books, 1001 pirate things to spot, the SuperHero ABCs, When A Pig Eats A Pancake, a hotwheels story, and Transformers: Optimus Prime Versus Megatron (early readers edition). All these books came to less than fifty dollars. all these books came home today. All these books, with the exception of the Transformers, are currently sitting nicely on Hermes desk. The transformers is currently being read, from cover to cover, by Hermes, who is on the couch. I had to give him a pass on homework until after dinner, instead of right when we got home, because he is so happy, reading.
Awesome!

Grrr...'Alternate plans" *Updated already*

Hermes school offers an extensive enrichment program after school. One of the things they offer is Kung Fu, one day a week, beginners level. This year they decided to split it, so that kindergarteners and 1st graders were in a class on wed, and 2nd & 3rd grade in a class on thursday.
I just got an e-mail from the enrichment coordinator letting me know that the wed class was full, mostly of Kinders. They are trying to move the first graders to thurs, as the thurs class does not have enough kids.
I told her, frankly, that I don't care how it happens, my boy wants to do this, and if that means working with older kids, so be it. I cannot see the instructor deciding to drop a class for not enough kids when the other class has too many. Common sense would dictate that the first graders will work with the bigger kids. They will not be sparring, and since it is a new instructor this year, everyone is at a beginer level, this was ade very clear in the materials they sent home.
I should know by the end of the day...I really do not want to tell Hermes he cannot do this, as it's the first after school program we've signed him up for, and it is too late now to sign up for anyhting else until the next tri.
Sigh...why can't anything ever be easy.

UPDATE
Immediately after posting this, I got an e-mail from Enrichment lady saying that she was able to transfer Hermes into the Thursday class no problem. Mr Sensai, who is also their gym instructor, feels that it will be better for Hermes anyways, because the older kids have better focus, so there will be less distraction and more learning.
This cracked me up. It amazes me that Hermes is so good at maintaining focus and self moderating at school, but at home it's all "Hermes gone wild, after school edition"
I swear the boy isn't even in the house for five minutes before we've lost the pants.

Oh, the joys of motherhood

Hermes was out of school last week in it's entirety. He had Norwalk Virus, a nasty gestroentiritus virus. Achy, poopy, and generally a pleasure to be around. He is back at school now, and has been feeling better since friday. Monday was off for a teacher devolopment day.
Sunday, Thor started showing some early symptoms, and by monday, he, too, was chock full of poop. Thor is also dealing with his allergy issues. When his sinuses drain, they gointo his tummy. This in turn gives us an amazing horkage factor. Vomit everywhere!!! He did manahe to get a spiffy new haircut last nght, though, with few ill effects.
Buddha is the latest to hop on the Norwalk train. He started with the massively impressive displays of shitting ability this morning. Namely, right as I was lifting him out of the crib. As I was stripping his bedding down to be washed, I noticed some holes in the incredibly soiled, fittif, crib sheet. When I removed the sheet, I realized he has jumped his mattress to it's untimely demise. The holes in the sheet are from the springs poking through the matress. I patched it with duct tape to carry through until I can get it replaced tonight.
Thor has four more days of this, with tomorrow starting the achy painy portion of the virus, and we are looking at about 6 days with Buddha, three till the achy painies.
Joy.

Surprisingly tasty!

Zatarain's, maker of boxed and premade cajunesque food now has instant rice pouches. You know the type, you just open the corner of the pouch, pop 'em in the nuker, and Voila-a rice side or meal.
Generally, I am leary of totally instant, add nothing, rice pouches, but I saqw that they have a red beans and rice WITH sausage added, and figured I would try it.
I'll be honest-it smells a little weird, and it ain't all that pretty. The sausage resembles peperonis past their prime, and the overall color is muddy. Tastewise, though, it is surprisingly good. There is moe rice than if I were to make it myself, but for a 60 second microwave gig, it's really not all that bad. It will definately sate the craving for red beans and rice till I'm up to making it from scratch, and with a little salsa or hotsauce sprinkled in, it even has enough kick!

obsessed

OK people, I now that someone out there in internet land can help me. Does any one, any where, including Eddie Vedder know what all the lyrics to "Yellow Ledbetter" are? The only definable lyrics that seem to be in any version of it he plase are "Leave it alone" "Leave it there" and "In a box or a bag" which many people interprate as "In a boxer a bag" for some reason. This is driving me nuts. It's almost as bad as trying to figure out the very middle of the 'spoken' part of Soul to Squeaze, until I saw a few different recording where I realized that Keidis doesn't actually say anything intelligable.

Yellow Ledbetter, people, work on it, I'll figure out a prize or something to the people who can some up with the most reasonable suggestions.

Dinner

We did a family dinner at a restaurant last night. I am really pleased with how well the kids behaved. No meltdowns, no tantrums, no random screaming/shrieking. It gives me hope that we can actually go out more often with the kids.
Thor is doing alot better about learning how to keep himself calm. Every now and then throughout dinner he would do a little dance in his chair, it was part of how he kept himself in the here and now. He did fabulously until he hit some hot mustard, but calmed down as soon as he drank some milk and got cuddled.
Buddha was Buddha, and Hermes was just plain cute.

Wet

Hubby, myself, and a few friends went to Fest yeasterday. We left half an hour before the closed it down for the weekend. The weather was deamed so bad, they closed fest. This happens maybe once every ten years or so. They've kept it open through tornado warnings, lighning strikes, and most all other weather...What is the weather that closed site then? Flash flood high warning. Fest is smack dab in the middle of a flood zone, and that's something they won't mess with. The powers that be even evacuated the campgrounds and buildings, making sure the circiut people had safe places to be.
We only spent a few hours out there, but thanks to a BIL who traded in all of his promo points for comp tickits, we will be able to head out at least two more times, if not three, depending on who all comes with, and if they charge for Hermes or not.

Now posting that we will be looking for people to take some kids coming up here soon!