oppisite of writer's block?

I have starting working on my...whatever it will end up being. I am finding that instead of writers block I am having, I don't know, writer's flow? All of a sudden, now that I have decided on what to write, it just keeps coming. I cannot type or write fast enough to get all the thoughts down.Might have to get a tape recorder and make transcripts to copy at a later point in time. Currently, I think I am just goig to let it come, put it on paper as a rough draft, and do some editing when I type it in to save it to dosc. Once I have more to hammer out, I will be looking for some people to read it for me, to get their oppinions..Any volunteers?

writing stories

I have started, and deleted, the beginnings of my story/novel/work-of-fiction/chicklit/whatever it ends up being/ numerous times. I think the problem is that I keep trying for a particular genre each starting, and it never ends up that way. I am pretty sure that I understand why. One of te first things that any write will tell you is "Write what you know." Up till now, I have avoided doing that. I have a fairly weird family and extended family-including my in-laws, notoriously bad relations with my dad and step-mom, and a string of bad rellationships(including a marriage) that went on for too long, before I had kids, settled down, and got married-in that order. I have felt that if I write what I know, even if I turn it into "fiction", too many people close to me will recognize themselves, and be hurt or upset. Just recently, I came to a conclusion-Fuck IT!! If my friends and family and ex friends and ex family recognize themselves in my writing(if it ever gets published) and become upset by what they read, I hope they realize a few things.
Some Key Points
1) It is essentially a work of fiction, with my real life experiences used as references, some characters will be made of more than a single persons personality traits, and others will be exagerated, as I see fit.
2) Maybe if you are unhappy with how you feel your character was portrayed, you need to look at how I may see you, and why I see you that way, or if the character is even based on you in the first place.
3) if you are my dad, than yeah-I am pissed at you, and If given half a chance, will pro'lly make you into a pathetic dried up person, or a monster, or just leave you the way you are, and tell you everything I ever wanted to say to you but didn't have the guts, and hope you recognize yourself.
4) Once again, this will essentially be FICTION-fiction is false, entertaining, and not holden to reality-just because a character in my book is the sister of the narrator, does not mean she is my sister, and the narrator is not necessarily me.
5) if there is a crazy hat woman, she may or may not be based loosely on my mom
6) If the narrators or main characters relationships come into play-I will prolly make them much more numerous and scandalous than my relations have ever been, to make for better reading
7) I am not a monkey, this is not a type writer, this will not be shakespeare

birthday party hangover

Bigguy, who turns 4 on thursday, had his party on sunday. Many hours sat in the sun, talking, laughing, playing...I am so tired, and I have a slow burn. That's the sunburn that shows up a few hours after you've gotten out of the sun. The burn that only stays a little bit pink, before it fades to a tan, but still hurts like a sunbirn for a few days after. Cake, food, presents, friends-It was great. bigguy was his normal commical self, littleman slept for large amounts of time, too much heat and excitement, and the Mother-in-Law sent out an annoyed vibe. She is pleased that we are moving, but pissed that we are not buying right off the bat. She is just not understanding that as much as we would like to buy a house of our own, it isn't yet possible. Five weeks and five days till we move-then I have a dishwasher, my own kitchen, and my own space again.
Is it wrong that I fantasize about cooking?

Dude!!

I had a dream last night about my blog, maybe it was my subconcious telling me I needed to post more, or at least finish the posts I've started. Back to the dream in a minute. I haven't posted anything since we got the townhome, because as happy as I have been, all the posts I've started have been damn depressing. The nice thing about my blog is that it is mine. I can say anything I want here, and it's cool, I can say things that I normally wouldn't have the guts to say to family, and the get the idea, because some of my family reads this. I can just open up and let things flow. Sometimes, however, a writer doesn't always control what is flowing on any given day, and lately my mind has been very occupied with my dad. I tried very hard for many years to convince myself that Defunct-Dad couldn't possibly be as bad as all that, that it had to be Evil-Step-Mom's fault. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my dad is a human, and given to free will. He willfully dropped out of my life when I was 16, taking a moment every few years to pop back in and make me confused untill my first son was born. All of a sudden, there were grandchildren! We have to make things work for the kids! You know what-fuck that!!! 16 is still a kid, I was a kid when he ran away with the navy after the divorce, I was a kid when I needed him and he wasn't there, I was a kid when he started letting Evil-Step-Mom have a decission in my time with him, and it has impacted more of my life than I ever realized. Lately it's just all boiled to the surface, and if I don't get it out somewhere, I will temporarily cease to function, but at the same time, I do not need to dump it all on you, my readers. I have gotten most of it out, and th last few bits, I have saved for him, because it is not right that he go through life not realizing how his actions affect his only biological daughter.

Now back to the "Blog Dream"
I dreamt that I woke up, and went to make a post. Before I posted, I want and looked back through the previous posts, and found that I had a HUGE underground cult-like following that sprang up between 7pm and midnight. All of a sudden I had somewhere near 75 comments to every post, and people e-mailing me left and right, and it was scary overwhelming. The odd part, was that the people leaving comments were all leaving good, nice things-no snarking, no being an asshat, just good helpful encouraging things.
When I actually woke up-i realized it was a dream, and reumed my normal housewife life-but it was pretty neat.

WE GOT THE TOWNHOME!!!!

every now and then, time moves so quickly!

In a week and a half, Bigguy turns four. It doesn't seem like four years since he has been born, yet it was June 23, 2001, just before midnight, that he made his appearance in this world. Bugguy is very intelligent and likes to use big words, like vehicles and edible, instead of saying cars and trucks and planes, and can be eaten. I worry that as he grows older he will lose some of his properrnes and nit-pickyness that seems so unique right now. He also has a very refined pallat. He likes bleu cheese, and greek food, all vegetables, thai food, and had junior sushi last night(no fish or wasabi, but Eda Mame, egg custard, sea weed...he liked it.) He loves jazz music, word games, dancing, and moving his body to his emotions, ("Momma, this is how happy looks, this is how angry walks, this is how silly wiggles...See Momma, my body moves with my feelings and emotions, Here is confused, this is hungry...") I want him to be this innocent and open forever, I never want him to be ridiculed for being who he is, even if that person is rather different, and kind of obbsesive compulsive about very random seeming things. I want him to remain the boy who gets excited to the point of giggling when he figures out how something works. I want him to keep the drive that makes him figure out how things work in the first place.
"Look, Momma! The wheels on the train have a long rod that connects them at different places, that's how the wheels all go at the same speed so the train doesn't trip!"
"Poppa, I made your computer so it can run two things at once!"(a very exciting revalation for Bigguy)
"Momma, Littleman has teeth, so now he can start eating some food like me, and I can share with him, because his teeth will help him chew!"
the down side to having such an intelligent, sensitive, perceptive child is evident as well...
"Momma, are you sad because grandpa and grandma step-mom didn't call again."
"Momma, I have grandparents, how come you don't-do you miss them?"
"Poppa, where is your poppa, and how come we don't have pictures?"
"Poppa, will momma's daddy not be at my birthday again, like last year?"
How do I explain this to him, that we don't know who hubby's dad is, that my dad and step-mom are being pricks right now, and unfortunately, he got drawn into it, that eventually, grandparents die? I want him to hold on to his innocense for as long a possible, but at the same time, he will have to make and find his own truths in the world, and with that, the inocense andchild like sense of wonder can be lost.

gray

I wake up to feed Littleman at about 6:30 am, I would never have known it was morning, but I looked at the clock. Went back to sleep until I had to wake up to take Hubby to work, once again, I wouldn't have known it was morning unless the alarm went off. It is so bleak and gray outside right now, it's kind of depressing. I feel bad for all the kids who are having their first day of summer break.
"Hey, wanna go outside?"
"Hey, wanna go to the beach?"
"Dude, my folks are gone, yiou should walk over!"
it doesn't matter the request, if the person being asked cannot drive, the answer will be an universal "Hell no, it's dark out, and raining buckets! What makes you think I want to go out in this?!"
Bigguy hasbeen playing outside a lot lately, as almost 4 year old boys are wont to do. He will be angry today, because he cannot play in the rain, and with how hard it's coming down, once the rain stops, it'll be aufully muddy to play outside. I know, what sort of mother am I who won't let her kid play outside in the rain and mud? It's part of growing up! It's fun to splash in puddles and get your hands and feet all muddy! I don't argue that, but I just imposed a 1 bath a day policy for Bigguy, unless something out of his control requires him to need more. Given the chance, Bigguy will spend hours in the tub, and I just don't need him to wrinkle away to nothing.

housing update

as of yet(10:30am), we still do not have an answer, however, I talked with the Manager, and her notes are showing that all they are waiting on is a landlord reference...she said she didn't know if it was a currant or past reference they are waiting on, I tild her that our current landlord has not been contacted yet, at all. She was very suprised by this, and is calling the reference checking people to find out what is going on. She is going to try to have an answer for us by the end of the day. She also said that even though three to five days is the everage, they can sometimes take up to ten bisiness days to get the info back. I stated that that was all fine and dandy, but if all the references haven't even been checked yet, that is going to hamper the time it takes to get a turnoaround done. I also let her know that we cannot make any plans untill we know what is going on-we cannot even give notice untill we know if we are acepted o not. She let me know that wether she finds anything out today or not, I will hear back from her today with an update. Also if all they are waiting on is one reference, we pro'lly will get the approval....More as I know what is up

I know I said I wouldn't let them piss me off

I was not going to let my dad and step-mom piss me off this summer. WAS NOT GONNA DO IT!!!!! and damnit, they did. I am checking my e-mail this morning, and get a message from them about the older of my two younger brothers graduation and grad party. I was invited, over the phone, and thru the e-mail to his grad party, that's fine-pro'lly won't make it, but at least they tried, right? Then I open the pictures. My step-sister, her husband, and their two kids are there. Ya know, Dad and step-mom are always talking about inclusiveness, how we have to be a family, how they want Hubby, me and the boys to make them a part of our lives, how we have to put in more of an effort. Bull shit! If they could invite some of their kids, why not all of them. The didn't even tell me my brother was graduating this weekend!! I am proud of him, he did an amazing job, graduated at the top of his class, lots of honors and extra curriculars, what if I wanted to at least call him to say congrats. What if I wanted to send him a card. What if I wanted to be there. Step-mom's daughter and son in law and grandkids live in Savage, that is an almost two hour drive. I live in the cities, forty-five minutes away. They say they feel hurt when they are excluded, that it hurts them not to know what's going on. What? It doesn't work both ways? I'm not supposed to be hurt when someone I am related to by blood has his biggest moment in his life so far and I don't know? Hubby always says that I need to let go, close the book on their chapter in my life 'cause all it does is cause me pain. As much as I hate to admit it, he may be right. I cannot take any more of this.

I am furious over this!!!

The supreme court has made an horrible ruling about medical marijuanna. Esentially, they are saying that the fedural regulations involving the use of doctored prescribed marijuanna are to be upheld. That means that any marijuanna use is illegal-period. Now, I feel that pot should be legalized across the board, and barring that, it should be allowed for medical reasons. I know so many people who would benifet from the pain relief, the increase in appetite, and the relaxation that one recives from the occasional toke. Most candidates for medical marijuana are terminal cases who have tried other recourses to no avail. They have chronic, daily pain the likes of which we can only imagine, and just want to live out the rest of their lives relatively pain free and happy. Call your elected officials, let them this is wrong let them know that we will not stand for this. We need to fight for what we believe in, for what is right and for what is good. The entire idea that marijuanna is wrong and harmfull is incorrect to begin with, but to deny these people their last chance for a comfortable life, where they can enjoy what time they have left with friends and family, as opposed to being sick and in pain, is just evil.

support

Hubby is amazing. He works his ass off every day for me and the boys, loves that I am a stay-at-home mom, and makes sure that I have enough for whatever I need and a large part of what I want. He is also very supportive of all my various endevors. Now, I will be honest, he is not perfect all the time, neither am I. We argue, we disagree, we stress out, then we talk and compromise. We have a very good functional marriage. Back to the support thing. I really had no question in my mind, that when I said "Honey, I want to write a book", that he would support me. All he has to do isbe there, read my work if I let him, give input if he feels brave, and be there when I twit out with writers block. There would be NO financial output fo him untill it came time to send out copies to see if it could get published. That might never happen, then again it could happen next month. Either way, He has nothing to lose. I spoke with him about my craftwork (knit, crochet, quilting, needlepoint/embroidery, etc..). I explained to him that I would like to put various peices together, some traditional, some modern, some "geeky" (a term he understands, being he knows my projects, the geeky catagory covers the working of video game, anime and comic characters into a peice), and then hit craft shows, flea markets, and "cons" to see what sells, for what price, and narrow it down from there. Hubby thought it was a fabulous idea, and said that of course he would support me, just not to take it too fast. Then he asked where I would get the money! I was sputterring trying to get out that I was hoping he would front the money being that I don't work outside the house really!!! He started roaring with laughter. "Of course I will give you what you need to start this, Honey, I think you do fabulous work, and I believe in you, and if it doesn't work out, we will have plenty of blankies and such. But...I know you will do wonderfully at this, like you do at everything else."

I am so lucky I have him for my husband. I am so blessed that our children will grow up seeing a man treat a woman like this, with love and respect and support. Right now I have such a sense of calm and well being. Life is good.

still waiting

Still haven't heard anyhting back from the townhomes. I wish I would've heard anything on friday good or bad, so I wouldn't have to sit thru the entire weekend wondering. Part of me is looking at it from the stance of "every day we don't hear back something negative, is a good thing" but then I also know that they haven't called to check references with our landlord yet. How do I know this? My landlord is my father in law, whose bedroom is right next to mine-he would've told me if a call about the place happened to come in in the little bit of time that I am gone. Then again, they might jst decide to go off of reporting. Really, as long as Hubby is working,which he is, and we don't have horrid credit, which we don't, it should be fine. In the mean time, I just get to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Well, twiddle my thumbs and clean my room. I really need to maintain instead of just do one big ass cleaning every now and then, but sometimes it feels so futile while all our stuff is in our room. I will be soooo happy when we are out of here. Hybby has been checking out other areas we could rent in if we don't get approved, but even if we do get approved, we will not be moving untill august. If we don't get the approval, we will have to do the whole application and waiting and deposit thing all over agin, and might have to wait untill september-gaaaarrrrgggghhhhh. Okay-I feel better now.

prolific vs prophylactic

I stated to an acquaintance the other day that I had been very prolific, lately, on my blog. Her response was rather startled
"You can do that!?!?"
"Ummm, yeah, why not?"
"But how the hell does that work, are you staying up later than Hubby, Is that what's going on?"
"Well, no, I've been doing it during the day, while h's at work, and the boys are resting, why?"
"Wait a minute...are you having an affair?"
"What The F!@#, Woman, are you talking about!!!I neither have the time nor the inclination to have an affair, how doyou get this sh!@ from me being prolific!!!!???"
"OH...Nevermind, I thought you said something else."
How do you even get that I would...ARGGHHHH, let's back this up and you can explain."
"Well, I thought you said prophylactic, and was wondering how your blog was keeping you from getting preggers, and then figured you must have said something other than blog. It never dawned on me that the word I misheard was prolific. I'm sorry."
After I quit laughing insanely, and appologised for said laughter, we continued with are regularly scheduled programming. What really made the entire ordeal that much more comical to me, was that she didn't know that prolific was also another word for fertile, and taken in that context was just too much.
hehehe, prolific

due to the number of calls...

In the last two hours, I have recieved numerous calls from family and friends asking if we've heard anything back on the Townhome yet. No we have not. When we do I will call people to let them know, and also post it here. Please-If you don't know that your number is programmed into my phones caller id,or know that Iknow the number you are calling fropm by heart-don't call. Everytime an unrecognized number pops up, my heart gets all flutterry wonderring if this will be the call letting me know what will be going on. Two to five days feels like forever, and are they talking two to five business days including the day we dropped off the application, or starting the day after. If it is two to five days starting the day after, we are on day2, starting the same day, we are on day 3. One way or the other I will know by Tuesday, but to quote Bigguy "I wanna know, now!!"

On to a completely different topic.

The baby is napping in the crib, Bigguy just came in from playing in the sprinkler attached to his slide. Outside the world smallsfresh, happy somehow. Birds are chirping out the window, the cat is pissed,and te dogs are subdued after a long mornings play. I am sitting at my computer, blogging, while thinking about the mound of housework that needs to be done. My reasonings are flawed. Who is going to spend a day like today cleaning? Who wants to be surrounded by dirty laundry and floors when the world is waking up and putting on it's summer clothes? At least, at the computer I can look outside the windows, see the sky, the grass, and the neighbors removing the flowers from their Lilac bushes, they don't want to aggrivate Bigguy. For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel at peace in this house, nestled away in the corner of my boys room, listening to one sleep, the other play. I am a mommy, and it feels good, right, natural. I am a mommy who isn't doing laundry, who made today's dinner last night, who plans on eating off of disposable just for today, so that we may, as a family, when Hubby gets off from work, enjoy the promise of summer. Fresh smells, fresh fruit, fresh beginings.. My sons learninghow to crawl or read, how to feed themselves or help make dinner, how to talk or know that it's okay to speak your mind if done with respect, how to be kids in a society that forces children to grow up too fast. This summer will be one filled with trips to the drive-in, walks to Dairy Queen, and days spent at the park with a picnic lunch. This summer will be hubby and my first summer married, Littleman's first summer ever, and Bigguys first summer completely out of daipers.
It will be good

just stuff

She's home from work again, how she keeps her job is anybodies guess. Hell, how she satys alive is anyones guess, too, being as her various health issues all seem to be valid and add up pretty quick! Ahh, ince we get accepted somewhere and move out of here, it'll be up to me when I deal with the In-Law, if she calls to have me come on by, I can always say no!!!
I realized this morning that my children are growing up. Now I know that this happens, I understand that we all start as babies, and grow into adult hood, but it is sometimes overwhelming to see the process from the start. LittleMan, almost eight months, is crawling, sitting up, and starting to feed himself, not neatly mind you, but the food goes in the mouth, and he is starting to hold his own bottle. Bigguy, almost 4, is on his forth night in a row of sleeping in underwear and waking up dry. He has been waking up with dry pants for longer than this, but we used to put him in pullups at night, he wasn't to great at holding till morning or waking himself up. He is also making his own PB&J sandwiches if I let him, and even though he claims he cannot read yet, we will find him almost every night, laying in bed with the light on after lights out, looking at a book, which he tells me about in full detail the next morning, just like his Poppa does.
I knew that oneday they would need me less and less, it is sad that it happens this soon, of course, new needs will crop up as they get older.

let the waiting commence

I dropped off the application last night. They changed their app process a little since we picked it up, so we had to fill out an extra form, and have the app fee and pre-lease depostit in money order form. My worries about getting accepted dwindle by the day. It is a renters market right now, property managers are desperate to fill vacancies. Add on top of this, both the managers at the townhome are women, both have a crush on a good friend that lives there and both know I am married with kids, all this equals no threat and an "in" with my friend. Hey, I'll admit that if this is the deciiding factor in us getting accepted-more power to them. What people need to realize, is even after forking over cash for the privelage of some stranger doing a complete background check on you, it ultimately comes down to the managers discretion on if you rent there. If you are renting from a large nameless faceless corporation, you don't have as much leiniency, because the prop manager is going to have a few higher ups setting the rules, but even then the prop manager can still make a case for the axe wielding puppy killer to get accepted, 'cause his moneys good and they have too many vacancies. In a smaller situation, where there are only a few properties owned by someone, and they hire managers for each property-the manager is King!! As long as they don't have too many non-payers-it's all good. Ultimately there is the privately held property. This is the situation that always cracks me up. They will generally charge much less for a background check, and most people don't think they even doone other than to call key references(being the references that will tell you they were called.)
The commical thing about all this, which is what I orriginaly intended to tell, was that when I dropped of the first set off forms, and the asst mgr was in, I was told Three to five days befor we heard back, after the main mgr met me and the boys, verified my marital status and freindship with crushboy, I was assured that I would be hearing in 2-3 days. Yeah, managerial discression at work!

too funny

I wish I had batterries in the camera, or a camera phone, so that I could take a picture of this to post. I have often time been heard saying that Bigguy, with his attitude and looks, will grow up to be either an awesome ladies man, or the Greatest DragQueen of All Time(yes, in caps even!) Well, he is napping on the couch right now, and has thrown off the blankets and gotten all comfy. He is currently in what I call Dancing Queen pose. I'll try to describe it for you-his arms are over his head, slightly bent at the elbows, both hands pointing to the right. The waist is fairly straight and the legs are slightly bent and turned. It looks like he fell over asleep, midway through a fabulous diva turn. I can hear the disco in the background now....

feeding the baby, while I post this...

When I am able to post with any sort of regularity, it is because me boys are sleeping, out with family, or I am giving the youngest a bottle break and typing one handed...guess which one it is this time! I no longer have the same worry about getting approved at the townhome. A good friend and the bro in law live there. The good friend let me know a few things-A) the rental market i pretty desperate right now, lots of people are buying or renting large private dwellings in groups. This makes tge management companies a little lax, B) because of this, they are pretty acccapting of most people right now. C) If our check comes back with some hits on it, no problem, they will put us in a "six month trial lease" to start out, if everything is paid ontime, and there are no issues, no problem...otherwise, after six months you are out of there. Add to that what the inimmatable Todd Vodka stated as a comment to the last post-and I have no real worries. This does not mean that I am sitting pretty, I still have a few butterflies, Murphy's Law, and all, but I will not let it get to me, Worry doesn't do anybody any good.

On a completely different note-I am thinking that I may have to start titleing posts after I right them. I figure thet if I title a post "Monkeys", you my readers will expect it to have something to do with primates at some point. Alas, it does not always work that way. My writing tends to go in it's own diredtion, sometimes I have very little control over what my fingers want to say. I think Dave Barry sums this phenomena up best in the intro to his book "Big Trouble", he warns that his younger readers might not want to read it because some of his characters use foul language, he did not mean for them too, but that is just the way they are. It may surprise some people to know that once you start writing, said writing takes on a life of its own. I have stated in past posts that I am debating writing a book. It is no longer debating, I am trying to do it, still debating if I will try to get it published whenever I am done, though. It is not going quite as smoothely as I anticipated. Once the characters and story started coming out of my head, they started argueing about what I was saying about them. None of the characters are based on any one person, they are all conglomerations, so I think maybe the different parts are fighting for dominance. if one character has bits of my mom, mother-in-law and sister(just to pull some people out of thin air) My mom wants to be dominant over my in-law, my sister has her quircks that demand page time, and my mother in law tries very hard o portray the best in her at all times. man-it's enough to make someone gocrazy! No wonder so many people think writers are a bit off.

Anticipation

On tuesday I will be dropping off our rental application(insert golden light and chiors of heaven here). I then get to start the "Week of Anticipation". this is the time when you are fairly certain you will get accepted, however every bad thing that you have ever done in your life, tht could ever show up on any report, ever, is running thru your head. What is really frustrating is in fabruary, before the wedding, we had applied for a much smaller place across the street from where we are now-after thinking about it-we decided not to take it, but we were aproved then, so why wouldn't we be now?!?! There is really no reason, but it is still mildly nerve wracking. After the "week" if we get it, I will then have just shy of two months in which to try an figure out everything we might need, where it is, get packed, and ready to go. MORE ANTICIPATION!!!

Damnit, give me instant gratification anyday!

knitting, quilting, my grandma's hands

I am a knitter. Few things bring me as much pleasure as a finely worked piece of knitting that I made. My older son, Bigguy, has a six xolor, three texture blanket that I made for him, while I was pregnant with Littleman. It is the first large (bigger than crib/slightly smaller than twin) peice that I have done, and I am very proud of it. I have always enjoyed craft work, crochet, quilting, sewing, but so far knitting brings me the most, hmmm, satisfaction, maybe? It is hard work, and my hands are sore by the end of a peice, but I can eisily chart the progress from beginning to end, and change where the end is, if I so desire.
Some days I really long to make a quilt. My grandma(mom the hipple's mom) quilted, as did her mom, and I think her mom as well. I think, sometimes, that it is in my blood. I have yet to do anything larger than a baby blanket yet, but I feel the need to make something LARGE. Once we are in our own place, and I have more room, I will probably start.
Oftentimes I think I would like to try to make an income from doing this, but I don't really know how that would work out for me. It takes a decent amount of time to make a decent anything by hand, especially when ou have to work around everyone elses schedule. I know that Hubby would support me, if I decided to give it a go, and that scares me. What if I have his total support, and then I fail? I would feel like I let us both down, somehow. If he thought it was silly or stupid, and I succeeded, I could be all "Ha take that! I did it, even though you thought I couldnt!!!" and if I failed, I could wallow in self pity and mopily tell him he was right...He is the sort of man who would say that I did my best, and he should've supported me, that it would've made the differrence. I am not afraid of doing it on my own and failing. I am afraid of failing him, and the boys, whih is probably rediculous.
As I stated earlier, my grandma(mom's side) quilted, and my grandma(dad's side) knit and crocheted. One thing I remember very vividly of these two women, both gone ten years, is there hands. The both had, what seemed to me, strong able hands. It amazed me that they could take their ten fingers and some scrap cloth, or yarn, and make these beautiful, warm, safe, loving, comfy blankets. Grandma(mom's side) really used scraps, she didn't buy "quilting blocks" from the fabric store, she cut.tore her own from whatever she could find, was given, was unwearable, etc..then stitched tham together, using a quilting frame she made herself, got together whatever she was going to use for batting, and an old sheet for the backing, and VIOLA! there was a quilt, made for a grandaughter, out of the ugliest, most mismatched,clashing materials that somehow, after she put them together, were beautiful. I want for my grandchildren to have memories like that....
Maybe I will look into how much a table at a craft show or flea market would run me sometime in the future, so other people could have memories of their own blankets..made with love...comfort for the stormy nights.
...I miss you grandma...

further updates to the even more updates, updates

Okey dokey camperoos! Here's the deal. Hubby's and my friend, Bad Boyfriend, decided to be our roommate, once again, so that we can get this way cool, super spacious three bedroom townhome in Bloomington! YAY!!! We have lived with Bad Boyfriend twice before, both times were not the best situation for good rooming. Too many people not enough money for one. Now, however, Bad Boyfriend has a decent job, been at it for 7 mobnths and will be up for management soon. Just a little backstory on his "blog alias" Bad Boyfriend was ultra cool step-sisters boyfriend at one point in time. He was, as the name would indicate, a bad boyfriend. He wasn't mean to her, and treated her fiarly well, but he had major issues with getting off the computer, and with calling-ever. So, after they broke up, he came into work(we were working at the same location at the time) and asked me if I knew why ultra-cool step-sister broke up with him. My response, oh so sensitively was
"Yeah, she dumped your ass 'case you are a Bad Boyfirend"-the name stuck. It is interesting to note that he would now make an excellent boyfriend to someone, good job, decent pay, and loves to go out and have fun. He did a 180 when it comes to what he finds entertaining, but is still the same good old guy inside. It's been interesting to watch him mature over time-I've known him since he was about seventeen or so, and now he is 22. Maybe I'll drop a line to ultra-cool step-sister-just to let her know.
So, after Hubby's next paycheck-I'll be dropping off our application, and within a week after that-we will know if we are in.

once again...updates

Bigguy is responding well to his meds, now we just have to put about six pounds on him...that may not sound like much, but is about a between a fifth and a sisxth of his body wieght. Littleman is trying to take the name Bigguy-he is huge! Healthy, but big. The quwest to get the hell out of here is moving right along-keep your fingers crossed. more later-

It's GODZILLA!!!!

Biguy is massively allergic to lilacs, has the Godzilla of all sinus infections, and needs to put on roughly 6-8 pounds-man life is fun! pass the butter please!

the power of imagination.

Sitting in the van, traffic at a standstill, luckily, little man is sleeping. I look in my rearview, see Bigguy smiling at me, I frown and hand him the kleenex box. He is still under the weather, and pouring buckets 'o' snot.
"Blow your nose, and keep the box back by you"
"Okay, momma(loud blowing noise)Look!It's an airplane!"
I look out the windows to see the airplane, but it is not there. I look in the rearview again to tell him I don't see it. Instead of seeing him, I see a flying box with a tissue tail. That is his airplane. Over the twenty minutes it took us to get home, that box was an airplane, a spaceship, a choochoo train, a submarine, a camera, a racecar, and for one brief moment the dreaded tissuesauraus dinosaur(with scary sound affects). In this world of high tech toys, a tissue box held my childs attention for twenty minutes, in close quarters.
He was sad when I told him it had to stay in the van, until we got inside, where tissue boxes are abundant. The tissue boxes met up with a shoe box, some toilet paper and paper towel tubes, and some food boxes, and they had a blast following the instructions of my son until it was time to lie down. We had a circus, a movie, more trains, a classroom...the list is almost endless.
1 tissue box - 1.99
four t.p. rolls - 1.49
shoe box - 19.99
watching my son use his mind for fun all day - priceless

sick , funny, and more of the darkside

Bigguy has allergies-he will be tested at his 4 year check-up to determine to what-but they are seasonal and bad. He is being hit really hard today, sore throat, phlegm, slight fever. After an early dinner he went to bed, but recently woke up to get cocoa and hugs. When asked by Gramma mother in law, and grandpa father in law if he was feeling betteryet, his response was
"Not now, but I will be better tomorrow."
We tried very hard not to laugh. This statement in and of itself is not funny, but you must imagine it in junior darth vadar voice to get the full idea. Bigguy normally has a very sweet little boy voice, but when he gets sick, it gets deeo and raspy, even more so since his bout with Croup. I have a small Sith Lord for a son right now.
"Momma(deep Vadaresqe breathing), I am not better(more breathing/dramaticpause) Momma(breathing/pause) I want some cocoa(breathing) I am your Bigguy(breathing)"
I know I shouldn't be laughing at him, he is not feeling well but, it is so damn funny. I keep expecting him to pull out a little light saber, maybe fight a small dyslexic speaking muppet. I geuss as long as he doesn't choke people just by looking at them we are in the clear.

the dark side

It's been said before, and will be said again, Pope Benedict looks a hell of a lot like Emporor Palpitine from the star wars movies-eerie

My brave,brave mom

My mom is a brave woman. She raised my sister and myaelf essentially on her own. She had some small financial help from my father, and assistance from my aunt and grandma-but basically it was all on her. She went back to school after I was born, to give us all a better life-then when I was in my early teens, went back to school again, Now she is her own business. She married my step-dad(Jazzdad) after a very brief courtship, the will be celebrating their ninth wedding anniversary next week. She stood by me when I made the wrong choice to marry my ex, supported me when I left him and moved back home-helped me when hubby and I hard our sons and celbrated with me when I married him. She has helped my sister thru depression, helped me thru god knows what all, and been thru more in her 49 years that most people will experience in three lifetimes. She has dealt with abuse, poverty, death of parent, dysfunction in the axtremes, and suburbia(shudder).
Now, though, she does something that boggles the mind. Tonight, she will be taking her almost 4 yea old grandson, my boy Bigguy, to the State Theatre, to see (drumroll please) Dora The Explorer, Live!!! She will be in a theatre with hordes of young children and their harried parents just to please my son. When I told them what they would be doing today-his face was full of angelic bliss. She is undoubtedly the bravest grammie on the block. I love my mom, Bigguy loves his grammie, and he will remember tonight for years to come.

Ask Housewife

Recently, a friend with no spouse or children asked what I did with my "Me Time". I almost choked on my swiss cake roll. When you have two kids and a husband, and try your damndest to take care of them, you don't have much "me time". I get to shower, eat, read, and post here while my kids are sleepoing, eating, and playing outside(we live in Minnesota-so that playing outside thing doesn't happen as much as I like). He seemed completely baffled by the thought of not having many hours during the day to fevote to ones self. Yes, I need adult interraction, quite time, personal time and what have you-we all do, but it is hard to come by. When I do get time for myself-I try to make the most of it, I understand that if I don't take good care of myself I will not be good for my family, and I will porbably go off the deep end. I do have me time, it's what we call sleep and shower. I need to have kid time, husband time, chore time, and not killing my in-law time as well. I lead a very busy life.
Another friend asked, if I don't work, what I do with my days. You've got to be kidding me! Just because I don't have a day job does not mean that I sit on my ass and eat candy all day. I have kids. If that statement isn't enough(or if you don't have kids yourself) borrow someones kids for the weekend, when it's icky, so you cannot play outside, and you have other things, like housework and cooking, you need to get done while they are there. Then try and tell me it's not work.
My personal favortite question of late is "You must really relate to/like that show "Desperate Housewives", huh?" Let me preface this next statement by saying, I have never seen the show. It is my understanding that the women on this show lead rather extravegant lives, part of wich involves sleeping with many people who they are not in a committed relationship with, extramarital affairs. If I had a poolboy/cabanaboy/gardener I would not sleep with them I would tell them to get their asses outside andwork, my kids need to get out of the house and play, and cannot do so until their job is complete!Then I would take whatever time I might have in which to have an affair and shower, alone, for a long time. It would be more fulfilling to me too have clean hair, shaved legs, and pleasent smelling skin, than to sleep with some dude who ain't my husband.
Do I think it is degrading to other women to be a housewife? How can my being a housewife degrade other women?!?! It is a choise I was able to make. If they find it degrading-DON"T DO IT!!!
But isn't my husband controlling me? No! I have the control in the relationship, point blank. I balance the budget, plan the meals, raise the kids, do the laundry. If I don't want him to wear something to a particular place or on a particular day, it isn't clean. If I want something in particular for dinner-No Problem! I do the cooking and the shopping. If I really really want to do something and he doesn't want to participate-I do it while he is at work. If I really really need time to myself I can find someone to watch the boys for the day. I have the majority of the power.
well that's enough for now-more to come...

seriously, this dude is our elected president?

I want everyone to take a few minutes and check out this site, http://www.slate.com/id/76886/ , It is chock full of Bushisms. When you read this, take into account that he is our PRESIDENT!!! I know fifteen year old stoners with more wits about themselves. At least I can rest secure in the knowledge that we only allow two terms, so he will be out in a few years. Hopefully we will be able to repair any damage he has caused. People, I know it is only May, and only 2005 at that. We still have a long way to go till our next election, three and a half years, but please, please, please, start encouraging others to vote, to educate them selves on politics. Remind them that there are more elections that just the presidential election(serious-I knew someone who only voted the pres. election-they felt it was they "only one that matterred", I slapped them silly.) We need to make the country at least half assed good again, we need to make a better future for our children, MY children. We cannot let idiots like this decide our national policies anymore. For the love of pete! We have an imbicile for President, what I am fairly certain is a robot for vice president, a first lady with a rediculously high approval rating whose husband goes against damn near everything she wants to do....Man alive-HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN!!!! Everybody, everybody, needs to get out there and vote, educate yourselves and others-know what you want, what you don't want-who can bring it to the table for you-ignore the political lables if you must. Just because they ride under the banner of whatever political party you side with doesn't mean they share your veiws. And as hard as it is-vote your concience, not what you think you need to vote to keep the "bad guy" from winning. Even if you vote for someone that doesn't stand much of a chance, you will be helping out candidates in the future. If we all vote, and idiots like Bush still get elected-fine we did what we could and what we fealt was right. But, if you don't vote-you have no right to bitch, if you don't vote, you are just as culpable as the people who voted for him. And I don't want to hear the line of "it's just one vote-it doesn't really count"! A) those just one votes add up, B) the 2000 election was ultimately determined by less than 1000 votes(if you believe that Bush didn't just steal florida outright because his bro is the Gov.) Educate your children, your friends, your barista, your self. Learn what you can. Knowledge is power.

mother's day

I just want to wish everyone happy mother's day! Yes everyone, not just females. The mom's who stay home with their kids, the mom's who work, for their kids, moms who put up for adoption and moms who adopted. Moms who do the right thing, even when it is not easy. Aunts who don't have kids, so treat their nieces/nephews like royalty. The Dad who has costody, the gay couple that adopts, the foster family. Friends that help out, grandparents, without whom our own children wouldn't be possible. Doctors, nurses, midwives, doulas, everyone who plays a hand in bringing a child into the earth. Daycare providers, you help the moms which have to work, teachers-enough said.
One day our children grow up, they do not relyon us for everything anymore, but what we tought them when they were young will stick with them the rest of their lives. From my mom, I learned acceptance of all people, hard work, and sacrifice all have their own rewards. from my aunt, I learned a little bit of attitude goes a long way, but too much attitude gets you no where fast. From my sister, I learned things only someone with an older sister could understand. My father tought me that not all dads are infalliable, My step father tought me that some dads are truely good, are there for their kids, and that there is more than biology that determines who your kids are(thank you so much jazzdad, for all you have done for me, my boys, and my mom). From my step mom, I learned that a small, closed mind and narrow worldveiw will most likely stay that way, but in somepeople(not her per se) it can change. From my mom's mom, I learned how to make anything there is to eat, from practically nothing, and that you never stop caring for your children-even when they dissapoint you, I wish she was still here to learn from.
I don't know how many people read this blog, nor do I really care, I just hope the people reading it understand the affect parents have on their childrens lives, and that it ripples down throughout the generations. My sons will never be able to meet any of my grandparents, but they will learn things that I learned at both my granma's knees, in both their kitchens, stories and songs from both.
So have a happy moothers day, EVERYONE, for it doesn't matter if you gave birth, can give birth, or will ever give birth. If it takes a village to raise a child, then you all are important and special today.

Bewarned-rant about mother in law ahead

First-note the new links-8-bit theater is a web strip-very funny if you're into rpg's or remember 8-bit video games, then ther'e Waiterrant. I highly recomend you check him out, funny, honest, pissed off. If you've ver worked the wait side of kitchen staff, you'll appreciate him.

Now, time for something completely different-a Mother-in-law rant-haven't had a good one of these, at least not for a while. As I've stated before, she is the Queen High Mum of passive-aggressiveness, she also feels that her way is the only right way. As you all know, Hubby, myself, and coolest sister are looking to buy a house. We are thinking that we might rent for a year first, to give Hubby more time on thejob, to give coolest sister more time on her job, and to give us a better idea of what our housing needs will be. There will be three adults and two kids, not to mention pets, in one space. M.I.L. is totally against this, she feels that it would be a waste of money, time, etc. First-what business is it of hers, she won;t be living with us, nor will she be contributing financially. Second-yes, we will not be owning where we are renting, but by waiting we will be able to afford a better/bigger/more suited to us house-we will have better established credit, which will lower interest rates for us than with our current lack of sufficient/no credit. And Most importantly-we will know our new family dynamic. The boys willbe living with their aunt, Hubby and I will be living with a sister, Sister will be living with a family unit that is seperate from her, while still being a unit with her. We might not need as much space as we think to peacefully cohabitate, but maybe we will need more. By renting for a year first, we will know, and if the unlikely possibilaty faces that we cannot peacefully cohabitate-we will know before we buy, and can adjust our plans accordingly.
I just get very upset with M.I.L that she feels it is her place to tell us what we should de with our lives. I f she took half as much interest in hubby when he was younger, he prolly would be a lot better off in life. She sacrificed his education for a refferal bonus at work, she never gave him any support, and helped him to accrue rediculous amounts of personal debt from her, that we had to work hard at paying off. Yes, we live with her and the father in law-but we pay rent to live here-more than enough-I do damn near all the cleaning, and we are autonomous of them. We are not living off of them, we are living with them, and pulling more than our fair share-it is not her concern how I raise/educate/discipline my kids if they are healthy and happy. It is not her deal whether we rent or own. I think she is just pissed that if we rent with my sister, we won;t be lining here, and they will lose money and free labor.
If we were going to be renting some little whole in the wall barely fit for humans-that would be one thing-but we won't. If we were going to be so far away that she would never see us, sho might have a complaint, but we wont. If she EVER owned property of her own, rented on her own, or for that matter ever livved on her own, that would be one thing. However, she is in her mid forties and never done that. She lived with her parent untill she got with the F.I.L she lived under their roof-not really contributing, and raising her two boys untill hubbby was about11 or twelve and the bro in law was about 3 or four. She never had to deal with supporting ones children-she always had people willing to pick up the slack. She has never rented, so doesn't know that it's not all bad. And frankly she has never owned property, this house is in the F.I.L's name only, even though it was bought after they were together, and she hads lived with him the entire time. Her concept of doing what is best for her children is to strong arm them into doing what she wants, not what will be best for them-because if she thinks it right it must be, and that's that. My sister's lease will be up soon. We are probably going to have a place before than. I will be out of this house soon enough. It's only temporary...it's only temporary...it's only...

I hurt

PCOS-Poly-Cystic-Ovary-Syndrome(or disorder,depending on region) The most cruel and unusual punishment the female body can dish out. Irregular, and I mean highly irregular, menstrual cycles, severe cramping and heavy flow when you do cycle, headaches when you don't, it negatively affects ones fertility, when the cramping hits, some women have had to be hospitalized to deal with the pain. Then today, when speaking with a triage nurse, to try and keep me out of the E.R. for pain reasons, the subject of how lucky I am to have my boys came up. Statistically, it shouldn't have happened, but it did. Nurse then informs me of something the doctors and specialists never did, she even gave me the documentation to back it up, the symptoms and side affects of PCOS get WORSE after every child. She speculated that the birth of my first son escalated the issues enough for me to actually see a Doctor, and the birth of the second made it that much worse. The real kicker here, is that there is a slim chance that Hubby and I will ever be able to convieve again, EVER, and if we do manage to concieve again, my symptoms will be excrutiating afterwards. I am only 26, I might want more children(okay, 1 more child) someday, but not if it comes at the expense of a lifetime of pain every few months(okay, not a lifetime either) Right now I hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. Maybe I will be able to think more clearly about this when the physical pain lessens.

YAY POOP!!

Bigguy had a fear of pooping on the potty, I don't know why, but he did. Did, as in past tense, being the opperable word. He didn't make it in the potty, so mach as on the potty, but he fealt that he had to poop, ran into the bathroom and tried!! I am so happy for and proud of my bigguy right now. I never though shit would be this good. I am releaved, proud, kinda sad cause it means he's growing, glad, cause it means he's growing. I'm going to call hubby right now to tell him!! Man, I'm such a mom!

irrational anger

A woman in Duluth, Georgia went missing on Tuesday. Today was to be her wedding. Police called off her search untill the Fiance comes in for a polygraph test. Her family stated he had already passed a privately administered test. Because of the number of women that went missing over the last couple years that had a significant other involved in their loss, police are assuming he is involved in hers. What really upsets me about this is what if he has nothing to do with it? They are waisting time in possibly helping her over some stupid suspician that he is involved! If she dies, is raped, abused or otherwise harmed because of the forces inaction I hope it ways heavy on thier heads and hearts, and that they realize their innaction caused her pain.

judge not lest ye be modded!

On one of the forums that I frequent under the name of HW2K, someone made a comment along the lines of" What thehell does she know about about anything?, She's a housewife, lookit her name!" What an arrogant prick! To believe that a) I am a housewife because my name states as much, fine not a far reaching assumption, because I am a housewife and stay-at home mom, but if my name was kittygiggle, would he assume I was a kitty? And b) that because I am a housewife I am either stupid, or don't follow what's going on in the world. because I am a homemaker I pay attention. I need to know what laws the idiots in congress are trying to pass that are going to affect my childrens lives. I need to know what changes they are trying to make to social security, insurance, the environment, everything. I am the one who does the budget, decides out entertainment, balences the daily tasks of raising a family with living a life.
To believe that I am an imbecile, or uneducated, or apathetic, or unskilled because I CHOOSE to raise my children is breathtakingly moronic. If we were in a possition where I had to work, I could, and could do so somewhere that requires skills other than flipping burgers and asking someone if they want fries with that. If I had the time I would read the paper the day it was delivered instead of waiting a day, so that I was not behind tha loop. If I chose to I could be paying someone rediculous amopunts of money to raise my children for me so I could get out of the house for 40 hours a week and be a productive member of society. I DON"T NEED TO. I am in a possition where I was able to decide to watch and raise my own children, help them create their morals and values, educate them, love them, play with them, witness their milestones, and know that 20 years from now, when they are doing truely amazing things with their lives, and people ask them how they did it, they will be able to say "My mom read to us nightly, played with us, encouraged and supported us and was always there"
I understand that some parents do not get the choice to stay home with their kids. My mom didn't, but she busted her ass to be there for us when we needed her. She read to us when we were little, and when we were old enough to read to ourselves, gave us suggestyions but always let us choose our own materials. She is like that now, if we need her, she is there, giving us reccomendations, but letting us pick our own things.
Anyways, back to the asshole. He made a stupid comment based off of a bad assumption, and in turn, was modderated right off the discussion. The host of the forum stated it was for gross stupidity, and that made my day. Maybe the dude will thimk twice before the next time he makes broad generalizations

Now with fruit filling!

My ex-husband is living in this state. I am not happy with this, but I also know that I can do nothing about it. I am fairly certain that he will not do anything against me, my boys, or Hubby, but I cannot be certain. It makes me uncomfortable. He has burned his bridges in everyother state he lived in, so he settled here, I can understand that, but he wouldn't have been exposed to MN in the first place if I hadn't brought him here. Ahh well, worrying about possible bad scenarios isn't going to help me any, and it is much better for me to just pretend he doesn't exist.
On a differrent note, it's been a while since we've talked about Defunct-Dad and Evil-step-mom, that is because I snapped last month and no longer play the good daughter. They wanted to see the boys, the boys were sick, Evil wasn't willing to accept that and asked why they could only see them on my schedule. Excuse me?!?! They are my boys, of course they will only be seen on my schedule, and from there it elevated to me telling my dad that untill we talked honestly about what happenned fron 16 untill now, he wasn't seeing me and the boys. I told him that I needed an honest exlanation, from him, not Evil, about why he dissappeared and never called or visited, especially when he drove past mom's every day on his way to and home from work. I told him that there was no excuse for him not calling when family members died, there was no excuse PERIOD for what he did, and untill he can give me answers, I will not be around. I also said(mor out of anger than anything else) that studies show that women who have a good relationship with a present father have more adjusted lives and relationships with men. Maybe some of the fucked up shit I went through, put myself through and didn't always enjoy wouldn't have happenned if he was there when I needed him. I speek cordially with him when he calls on his lunch breaks, and that is that. gotta feed a baby now.

It's raining frogs!!

In Hamburg, Germany, toads are exploding! Scientists don't know why, yet, but toads are swelling to the size of a tennis ball, then POP!!!, no more toads. I find this disturbing, yet humerous.
In other news, Littleman is doing well on his nebulizer, Bigguy is AOK and Hubby's kidneys are stone free for the moment. I have decided that I am going to attempt to write the story that is runnung around in my head, if for no other reason than to get it out, and I am tuping this entire post one handed while feeding the baby! I am a multitasking queen.

update

Yeah, I know, fabulous post title, really grabs ya, don't it. Anyways-it's been a while since I last trecked on through here, Bigguy had Croup-that sucked, now little man has some virus that causes congestion and a lovely lobster red rash. I brought him to the doctor and the doctor said" no more monkeys..."no errr...the dr said he shows all the signs of infant asthma, so now we have him on a nebulizer every 4 hours or so during waking hours. Littleman doesn't mind much, he keeps trying to eat it, so he must like it, but Bigguy doesn't understand why Littleman get to use it and not him. I just told him he doesn't need it now. After his checkup in June when they test for allergies and asthma, he might. Hopefully moving will help, but I don't know exactly when that will be, probly by august if all goes smoothely.
Sorry to be rambling so much, sick kids don't lend themeselves to sleeping well.

Frustration and fear

I am incredibally frustrated right now. Bigguy is feeling better, but not yet 100%, so he is whiny and upset, and still generally icky. Littleman is now starting to get under the weather, and on top of that gets his six month immunizations tomorrow, so he will be a crank. Hubby is dealing with his Kidney stones and alternating between happy and hurting, and my M.I.L. has taken the whole passinve agressive thing to a whole new level/artform. Defunct-Dad and Evil-step-mom piss me off more and more daily, and right now all I want to do is go outside and scream at the top of my lungs!!!!...but i cannot. It as after ten at night, the neighbors would call the police.

I am serriously thinking about trying to write a book. I have characters running around in my head, bits and peices of monologue, diologue and narration, settings, all sorts o' litterary stuff floating around. Whenever I go to actually start writing or typing, however, I freeze. I fear that I will put hard work, time, effort, sweat, blood and tears into this piece of work, and no one will want to publish or read it. I know that this happens to people, and I understand that. But is it worth me losing sleep over to try? I have two boys and a husband, the only time I really have to myself is nap time and bedtime. would it be worse to try and fail or never try at all and not know. Mabe I won't fail, maybe I'll become a bestseller, maybe I'll get a multi book deal and a financial future for my kids out of it, but I won't know unless I try, and I am afraid to make that choice right now. What if I'm awful? what if I'm not....

Girls night out

I had a girls night with a good friend today. It rocked! It was nice to get away from the boys and hubby for a little while and just do girl things without diapers, potty break reminders, croup and kidney stones

google

Google really seems to think that I like chicken!

facing one's past self, and how that shapes the future

Hubby would one day like to have a daughter. I am of many minds on this, namely, we have two sons, three is a lot of children. We have no way of knowing if the third will be a girl, and I do not see myself having more than three. I do not want to have anymore children until we are more financially stable. And this is all under the assumption that my body will allow us to have any more children, since the two I do have are miraculous enough(I have polycystic ovary syndrome, concieving ain't supposed to be easy) However, these are not my biggest concerns. My biggest concern is that if we do have a girl, she will be just like I was.
I did many things in my youth that a very kind friend of mine terms as unfortunate, being I am not that nice, I'll call it like it was. I did many stupid ass things in my teens and very early twenties. (Mom the hipple might just blow a gasket when she reads this, sorry) I was in more than one abusive relationship, and for reasons I cannot fully fathom, I did not go to my family for help, even though they would have understood, I either rode it out under the misguided notion I could change him if I loved him enough or I went to friends. I made really poor relationship desicions, and probably threw away some really good things out of fear they would go bad, while staying with the bad in hopes it would turn good. I lied to my family and freinds about where I was and whatI was doing, snuck out, and did other things that couldv'e put my life in danger had I been with the wrong people at the wrong times. I am very lucky I was not hurt more than I was.Up until hubby, who is a very good guy, I was engaged too three different people, an married once, that lasted less than a year until the sepperation. I slept around, I cheated, I hurt people. There are times that I am amazed, and thank whatever powers that be, that I was not pregnant sooner, and that I did not contract an STD. I am lucky enough that when I did get pregnant, I had an amazingly understanding and supportive Mom and Step-dad in mom the hipple and cool jazzcat, and that I was with a man who stepped up and took responsibility willingly and gladly, and loves me and His children like no other. I am afraid that my daughter, if I ever haveone will be just like me, and I won't know how to help her make wise desicions. That she will not be as lucky as I was in having support when she finally asks, or going into therapy when she sees the problems in herself. I am afraid that any luck that I had will have been used up, and not available to her.
I am afraid that my relationship with my mom and step dad are not as good as they should be because of what I did, and I will never know. I am afraid that my daughter will not come to me for the same reasons I didn't go to Mom, stupid superficial fears. I am afraid that she will hurt me the same wa I hurt my mom. It is odd, at times, to be able to look back, and compare it to where I am now. To know that when I was twenty I had none of this, and would not have it if I was still who I was then. It is amazing to me that I have two small children dependant on me for damn near everything, and that they love me immensly and unconditionally, and to them I am the greatest thing in the world because I am Momma. I don't want to fuck this up, like I have so many things in my past. I don't want to stear them down the wrong paths. I want them tobe able to come to me with any problem because I've probably been there and done that, but I don't want them to know that I was there, did that.
I have a husband who accepts and loves me inspite of knowing all my past. I have a family who still loves me, inspite of all I have put them through. I may not have much money, a new car, a fancy house, or designer clothes and jewelry, but I am most likely the luckiest woman in the world right now. I have so much that money cannot buy. I have so uch that I didn;t think I would ever have or deserved. I have stability, family, love, accaptence, friends. Life is good now, but it was ahrd to get here, and I don't want my current or future children to feel they had to take the road I did.

two things

1- Bigguy has croup, which makes him sound like a robotic seal. What a glorious noise to wake up to!
2- Never in my life did I think my job as HW2K would entail hand rolling almost full rolls of toilet paper. Party tip! you want it to look like you have expensive, luxurious, and plush T.P. completely unwind a roll than rewind it by hand!

more random randomness to mess with google adds!!!

Purple monkey dishwasher? Ahhh waffle cone doghouse! What! Synchronized swimming parakeets???

Housequest 2000

So, being the HW2K is going to be easier to do onceI have my own house. It will be the House 2000, complete with all the latest features, listed below
Windows. Clear pieces of glass that allows one to see the outside world!!!
Doors. Opaque and large, keeps the outside world at bay!!!
Electric lights. Now, you too, can see in the dark!!!
Indoor Plumbing. Tired of walking outside to heed the call of nature??
Walls. Now you can have your own box, inside your house!!!
A Roof. Keeps you dry!!!

Where am I going to find a place with all that?

Ode to My Left Pointer Finger

Pointer finger on my left hand
how sorely underappriciated you were
then I pinched you in the steely jaws
of my childs Johnny Jump Up

Oh the pain of having you smushed
between pressure treated wood and plastic
the hardshop of bandaging you
my self

I never realized how important you were
everday tasks now seem so hard
like typing this poem
in honor of you

Finger, you were so good at pointing
people never were offended
if i pointed you at them
unlike your neighbor

You are the one
that I chew on when sad
or that i tickle the boy with
to make him glad

soon you will return
in all you glory
untill then I can only say
I'm sorry

immature ponderings of a scientific nature

Some of you may have noticed that I now come with adds, by goooogle. The neat thing about them is they will change depending on what I have written, and what they view as subjects. I am thinking that I will randomly insert wierd words and phrases into the blog on occasion to see how it alters the adds. Feel free to post comments with any suggestions, and Hey!- use the search function and the ads, why not!
asparagus iceskates in haiti

random list #2

This is a list of foods I never thought would be dunked in milk, then eaten, by Bigguy(but I was wrong)
1-chicken and dumplings
2- eggrolls, without sauce
3- pasta, with or without sauce
4- carrots, cooked and raw
5-chicken nuggets
6- hamburgers, with or without bun
7- pearson's salted nut roll
8- dried apricots
9- squash
10- sour kraut

sick child generates many questions, and my first of many random lists

Currantly, the Bigguy is ill. He woke me up last night to announce that he thru up in bed and was feeling, I quote, "Under the wedder." He went back to bed after being cleaned up, then proceeded to whine and nap off and on untill about noon. He has been announcing every hour or so that he is sick, unless he wants something to eat that a sick toddler shoudn't have, than it's (once again quoting) "I feel better, momma, I am in the wedder now." I figured that, being ill, he would not be as inquisitive as normal, I was wrong. In the last few hours alone we have been asked where does popcorn come from(the answer apparently is not the microwave ;)) what are trains made out of, how come I have to sleep when I'm sick, what is the difference between tummy food and head food, and when can i take tylonal again. This has been nonstop. And since he is ill, he is whiny, especially when you don't give what he feels is the right answer. Through a teething 5 month old and a hubby with Kidney stones(although he is on vicodin) into the mix and you have some idea of my day.

Now, my first of many random lists-things you never expect to say to or hear from your small child
1-Underwear is not a hat
2- "Momma, I have a big penis!"
3- you can have cookies for breakfast only if you drink juice with them
4-momma, will your boobs fall off if you don't wear that?(while holding up a bra from the laundry hamper)
5- no, the easter bunny is not santa's biggest enemy, and niether is the tooth fairy
6- I understand that you are warm, but that doesn't mean you can strip naked and play in the toilet(at Target)
7- Where are momma's tax return checks?
8- If the dog eats dog food, and the cat eats cat food, what does the toilet eat?
9- Don't stab your poppa with a fork
10- rain isnot birdy pee

Life support, and lack thereof

I had told myself that I wasn't going to comment on the Terry Schaivo(sic?) case, that it didn't concern me, that I should just blank it out. I was wrong. It concerns everyone. It is not our concern in that it should be a desicions made by her family, and that if parents and spouse disagree, i feel it should be the spouses choice. It concerns us because the laws they are trying to make once again affect all of our bodies and lives.
Just over ten years ago(ten years, two months, three weeks and four days, not that i'm counting) there was a fire that destroyed my grandmothers house. This is the house that my dad grew up in, that my grandfather died in, that my aunts and uncles all lived in at one time or another taking care of granma. My aunt made it out with nothing other than mild frostbite, and major psychological trauma, to this day, she still can't make toast, due to the smell. My Granma, on the other hand, had a large room in the middleof the house, the Firefighters got to her only after they had the fire subdued. She was asleep at the time of the fire, my aunt tried to get her, but couldn't see thru the smoke. Once granma was out of the fire, she was rushed to the hospital. She had burns on over 89% of her body, the doctors had to ask if anyone new wether or not she slept in the nude, since she was so charred they couldn't tell if she was wearing clothing. Thank whatever gods she believed in, she was in a coma, and probably didnot feel anypain as they tended to her burns. If you do not know how they deal with very severe burns, burns that charred bone in some places, be very thankful. I will not go into the details of that here. For two weeks, she "lived", having machines feed her, help her breathe, pump her full of morphine to dull any pain she might be able to feel. I was 16, and I was ill(pnumonia we later found out) But I thru enough of a fit that they let me see her. To this day i swear it was not my granma I saw, but merely a husk that housed her soul, spirit, and self. The doctors assured us thet she inhaled enough smoke to not feel any pain, this also meant she inhaled enough smoke to kill of any higher brain functioning. They informed us that they were fairly certain she would never regain conciousness, and if she did, she would not be able to move or speak due to her injuries, she would require around the clock care, and have the mental accumen of a stupid 2 year old. We all talked after this, Defunct-Dad, aunt number one, aunt number two(who was in the house during the fire) and drunken uncle all deliberated amopngst themselves, then they all talked to me, one on one to get my imput. I later learned that the reason they all talked to me one on one was because when speaking as a group they decided to respect my choices, thereby making it my decision. I would have done the same thing, even if I knew, but I feel the way they went about it was highly unfair and cheap) We removed her feeding tube, and upped the morphine. The shell that was granma died peacefully, and we mourned, nut for her death, but for how she died.
Had the gov't interfered the way they are now with Schaivo, a woman who would never have any quality of life would have been kept alive thru false means at a monetary expense none could afford, and a moral expens none wanted. It is not a case of morals or ethics, if after fifteen years, she ain't coming back. Terry Schaivo has already left this world, now they must let go of her body, and say goodbye. That's what we did, it hurt like hell, but was for the best.

soo tired.

There are manythings they tell you when you have children, try and sleep when they do, get rest, try not to get too frustrated, enjoy the good times. They do tell you that you will be tired, but they don't tell you that sometimes you will be soo tired that if you stop moving for more that four seconds you'll fall asleep standing up. When you have more than one child, you are awake when the first one wakes up, and don't go to sleep until after the last one goes down for the night. Then, one must add waking at night for potty, diapers, food, dreams, and anyother reason into the mix. Granted if you are lucky enought to get them to nap at the same time during the day you are able to nap as well, if you don' realize that you have plenty of other things to do while they sleep that you can't really do while they are awake. And yes, you could go to sleep right after they do at night, but what about winding down and having alone time with the spouse? On of the problems right now is Bigguy. One of many ways that a toddler tries to exert their budding independance is by trying to controll when they go to sleep. He will force himself to stay awake for as long as he possibly can, and rather upsetting some people in the process, if we wake him up earl the following morning, we are stuck with a cranky child who will not neccassarilly nap or go to bed early the next day. And that is assuming that after staying up untill almost midnight that he won't wake chipper at 5:30 the next morning anyway.

I know that i am being rather grumbly right now, but I am also taking care of Hubby a little more than normal due to yet another kidney stone. We are fairly sure that part of the problem is how we've been eating the last almost year, since we have been living with the in-laws, but relarively soon we will be out from under their roof, and it will b much easier to have a healthier lifestyle again. YAY!! Goodbye to processed food everyother night with greasy foods on the non processed nights(in all fairness it is pro'lly not all as bad as that, just frustrating) and hello to fresh homemade goodness. Yes, this will be more work for me, but it's worth it. Ahh-to be able to cook again and have the right fuels for my body. to have veggies that don't always come from a bag, and to have Mac and cheese that if it's not homemade, will not be nuclear orange either. Ahh- the salads and breads, the well balanced delights, the ethnic cuisine, food that doesn't require mushrooms, and cream soups.

I am a food nerd!!I long to measure, cut , clean and create. Give me a chicken, tomatoes, and rice and I will give you three different meals, four if you toss in an onion or green pepper. Give me vegetables and I will give you soups, stir fries, salads, sauces. Give me beef, and well, you'll get beef, but you catch my drift. I envision a table that is abundant in health and flavor, that is visually and olfactorally pleasing, that feeds the body and the spirit. I envision a table where my children can eat side by side with my mom and step-dad without needing sepperate dishes to please everyone. I envision a table that brings together meals from across the world and makesthem mine. I envision a table that my children will be proud to have their freinds and lovers at as the grow up. In my mind, the table is an important part of family, and I want it to be mine at last.

Soon enough, I will have the comfort of good food and family at my table, I will have the luxury of freinds at my table, I will see my family grow at my table. If I am really lucky...I will see a dishwasher in my kitchen.

nothing to say

...

subject reality

Someone close to me suffered a break from reality this week-end. This is not easy to deal with, being firmly intrenched in the realness of the situation. However, it did make me think more about reality-how can one "break" from it-if it is real to them at the time, it is their reality. This is frightening to me. I am worried that not everyone involved is handling this in the right way, then again, I don't neccessarily know the right way. I know that I can support them in thir wise decissions, help keep them from making blatently unwise decissions, and love and care for them know matter what. I am sorry for playing the pronoun game, but I donot want to release to much information about them w/out their permission, and anyone reading this who needs to know, already does.
On the plus side I look at my Bigguy, who at this point is mostly oblivious of the situation, take pleasure in very simple things, in the way that only the young and innocent can. His favorite blanket was washed today, he has it in bed-fresh from the drier. "Momma, it is fluffy and safe and warm and cuddly, not cold and scratchy at all, I love my blanket for being that for me, Momma." He doesn't understand why I was crying while smiling and hugging him. He doesn't understand how much we all need something that is fluffy and safe and warm and cuddly, not cold and scratchy at all, to love and cherish all our own as we grow up and face the bad things that life can throw at us. He doesn't understand that they are harder and harder to come by the older we get. I am just so very glad that I was able to give him something like that at this young age, hopefully it will stay like that for him, and hopefully I will be able to instill the tools he will need to keep obtaining the healthy things that will do that fo him as he grows p and out on his own many years from now.
I am torn between wanting to protect him from everything while at the same time exposing him to asmuch in like as I can. I must come to terms, now, with the fact that I cannot always fix everything for him, that if I am not careful, I could damage other things for him, and in the end pray that everything has a middle ground that is happy and healthy. It must be hard to be a parent, especially one that is close to your child, and have to go through this. But if you are, you must take comfort in that you were brave enough and smart enough to do something to help, and then understand that all you can do is try to help. It is very hard to relinquish control of your childrens lives to your children, I imagine, but even if they are not stable, unless they are in a situatiion to have their costodial rights removed, it must be done. Just love them, try to help, encourage the good, discourage the bad, and no matter how hard it gets, listen.
Well, I'm signing off for the night, drink some cocoa, eat some cookies, watch a movie or read a book, and try to nnot worry about reality for a while.

As the world turns, theese are the cookies of our lives

Well-it's crack-ummm-cookie time again for the girl scouts. This is not exactly bad, but neither is it good. I was a girl scout once-so I know the return on each box of cookies sold at the troop level is a rather small sum, but on the other hand-I get cookies! Do I need cookies? No. Are they good for my physical well being? Onve again, no. Will they help me with my goals of not becoming horribly overweight again? Most deffinately not. So why do I keep buying the dang things? Because, my loyal readers, they are crack! Girl Scout Cookies have to be one of, if not the most, addicting substances in the world, made worse by the fact that they are seasonal. Idon't think they would hold as much appeal elsewise. Hubby and I have spent ludicrious amounts of money on the cookies this year, more than we spent on fundraisers for our own boy scout troop. We are pathetic. The lure of cookies is too much for me. Cookies are versatile! You can eat them, stack them, teach children math with them( If you have three cookies, and mommy eats two-how many are left?) They have enough preservatives you could probably build a house and power your car with them!
Now I must go and eat the cookies, for writing about them seems to have stregthened their hold over me...mmmmm....thin mints.....

Dancingin my head.

I told my Bro in law the other day that I'm always dancing in my mind, sometimes it just leaks out. He giggled like a school girl =0) Sometimes you just need to do stuff like that-sing for no reason, dance around while doing dishes, hum while you type-whatever-it makes you feel better. Bigguy has picked up on this, and sings often, manytimes while on the potty, which Grammy Bev will more than likely(and embarrassingly) point out a young HW2K used to do. Parents are really good for remember the things you don;t want others to know, but they also remember every good thing about you. Children kinda work the otherway-Find me a teen who doesn't piss and moan about how their folks treat'em-in most cases it is out of love for kids that make parents do silly things.
On a slightly different note-Blue's clues is an awesome kids program, but wll drive an adult insane, Sesame Street still entertains me, and we need more saturday morning cartoons-like the Smurfs, and the such-well-that's all for now-see y'all at my next random rambling!

I WANT COCOA, NOW!!

Ah...to be three years old again, where if you scream about it long enough, you just might get it. I think if we want the war to end we should send Bigguy into the oval office. " I want it over, W, I want it over, I WANTIT OVER MAKE IT STOP, NOW!!!" after a few hours of that, at high decibals, non stop, we just might see the troops pulled. Want a quicker tax return? Want to get out of that parking ticket? Want to upgrade to first class? Hire my three year old!

Speeling

Man, I just realized that sometimes my spelling sucks--Sorry!

long lost friends

I just got in contact with a friend I haven't heard fronn in over 7 years. I've known him for 18 years. It was nice but surreal. I made me realize everything that I have done in the past years and take stock of where I am now. He knew me back when I was a tomboy, playing like I was one of the guys, and now I'mm the married mom of two. So much has changed, yet it was like old times. Inside jokes, shared memories, ancient embarrasing stories. He lives out of state, but will be in MN this summer to visit people. I hope Hubby likes him. He should, they have a lot in common, which I never realized till today, so hopefully...
By the way-the three little dots ... those are called an elipses-cool

Scary thought on Bush

It just hit me that bush was reelected for one of three reasons-A) tat many people believe in him and what he his trying to do, B) that people were just too lazy to vote for someone different, or C) th election was rigged. Any one of these is scary to consider. Here is a man who admittedly doesn't read the newspaper, uses one set of numbers to tell us that social security need to be reformed and another set to show that the budget is just fine, and gets away with it. We need to hold him accountable for being a stupid f@#%g idiot, or hold ourselves accountable for him being in charge. man-that sucks

My sister is sooo cool!

Today, hubby was diagnosed with his second kidney stone in a year. Once he go out of the emergency room, I had to go to Walgreens to fill his prescription. What does this have to do with my sister being cool? I talked to her for the twenty-five minutes it took to fill his prescription. We haven't really just talked for a long time, and for even longer I tended to keep my thoughts and stuff on a deeper level to myself. I always kinda feered that my family wouldn't approve or would think I was nuts or stupid. I found out I was wrong. We have a lot of similar views on how the world should work, and that it dose not work the way it is now. I found out that she has the same "fears" talking to mom that I do, even though her relationship is much more open than mine, which is Mom wll think we're nuts. This entire revelation came because of an interview I heard on the radio this morning from a woman who survived Nazi germany because she was a child of nazi's, and just wrote a book about it. I called my sister to tell her about this because we are starting a book club, and I thought it would be a great book for tat. She agreed. All of a sudden we were in a conversation about organics, child rearing, the way we want the world to be, about how working for giant fceless orginizations is not the greatest thing one can and should do with thier lives, about how people should all work for the betterment of others, all sorts of stuff. It was awsome! She is awsome. I love my sister and I hope she knows this. I tell her often and will tell her again when I see her.

People-this is important! If you only learn one thing from this blog, let it be the same key thing I try to teach my bos everyday. If you love some one-you can never tell them too ofton. You must make every action in you life be filled wiith love and compassion if you can. Hatred and vengeance are self defeating and wrong. You need to love yourself,not so that you can love others, but so you can accept their love, and you are worthy of anyone's love you get. It ma sound cheesy, contrite and even hippyish but I believ it is true. Love is the key-it breeds understanding, happiness, has health benefits-mental, physical, and spiritual. It rocks.

Everyone is ill.

Everyone in housewifeland is ill. Bigguy has a cold, littleman has a cld and a mild virus, Hubby has a virus and is being an ass about it, and I, hw2k am also ill. I don't have the time to be sick unless everyone else is healthy-this sucks-2 sick boys and a sick hubby and I just want to fall over and sleep and I can't. I have to clean up vomit, diarreah, runny nose and cater to the food and drink need of three individuals, and ain't nobody taking careof me. AAARRRGGGHHH

It's a NEW post!!!

Well, alot of things have happened in housewife land since last I wrote. Hubby and I made it legal-so now he really is Hubby. I filed our tax returns. We looked at some places and turned them down. Bigguy is bigger-Little man is now not-so-little.
I have come to the conclusion that everyone I know, myself included, are nuts. We are either very normal in a crazy world-which frightens me, or we are extremely abnormal in a sane world-wich also frightens me. I do not want to accept that the world is "sane", that would mean accepting reality as it is-war, republicans, homelessness, epidemics, and all. However, I am not willing to accept that I and those around me are normal either-that is almost as disturbing as republicans. It's somewhere in between, and I know that I can affect my immediate surroundings, I hope I will raise my children in such a way as to be able to affect global changes. My boys are smart, attractive and charismatic(words of people not related to them as well, I realize I have parental bias) Looks and charisma can gat you far in this country-people have ruled companies and countries with theese alone. You thro intelligence into the mix and they could be unstoppable. I will support them in whatever endevors they undertake when they grow up-even if it be as a professional pump jockey- but I hope that they be doctors, politicians, activists, teachers,scientists-something that will benifit society and allow them to make a change and a difference. I was really down on myself the other day-What was I doing to make a difference? Then it hit me like a truck-I am raising my boys, I the HW2K am raising my own children, not paying otherpeople to raise them so I can work, I am doing it. I am helping shape their world view, beliefs, morals, values, everything. If my children grow up to do great things-it is partly in fact of their father and me.Adversly- if the grow up and do horrible things....

I would like to think that I make a difference. I would like to think that I matter beyond my family. I would like to think that when I die, people will remember me for more than being HW2K-but if all I do is raise my kids right-it is enough.

I'm still here...

just really busy-I haven't forgotten my loyal readers--all 3 of you =p

Past, Present, and Future Self

I used to think that my family felt I was incredibly dumb. I was always concerned with what they thought. Then one day I realized thatI just wasn't a good conversationalist. I'm still not-I have problems sticking to the point, I over explain, and I have problems differentiating important details from minor ones. However this isn't an issue while reading and writing.(ok-I wander while I write here, but not when I write stories or letters) I don't knowwhy this is-My mom and Sister are very good conversationalists, good story tellers, good at relaying the information. Maybe it is something I aquired from defunct-dad or is a byproduct of how I grew up. Now I think it's from being around children all day every day. You must explain EVERYTHING to a toddler, you must be very specific, very exact and cover it all.
I also used to be very concerned with what others thought about me. I always said I didn't care, but honestly I think we all do. Now I am much less concerned with the opinions of others. They are not me. They didn't live my life. They didn't have to make the choices I did. If they don't like me-they don't have to deal with me. I need to like me, I have no choice BUT to deal with me.
I did some really, really stupid things in my misspent youth. Some of them hurt people unneccesarily, made people think less of me, made me think less of me, and worst of all, hurt those I loved. I cannot do anything about what the past me did, but make sure the present my doesn't make the same errors and hope the future me will unferstand better why I did what I did.
The past me hurt my mom, not physically, but still hurt. The present me fears she will never fully forgive me for being a problematic person.
The past me had major commitment issues, some moral issues, issues. The present me still has some issues, but I have been sharing them with the same person for over four years now and the future me plans on sharing them with the same person.
The past me used to run away. Not in the little kid "I don't like you any more" sense, but in the "I'm an adult and don't want to be here, be responsible, be around myself" sense. I would just get in the ar and drive until I stopped and stay with friends in a different city, county, state untill I was ready to deal or had no choice but to go back. The present me realizes that I have responsibilities, and running if I get overwhelmed will only make them worse. maybe the future me won't get overwhelmed?
The past me was scared. Scared of so much. Family, failure, love as opposed to lust, pain, the absence of pain, not liking myself. I am still scared-but it is differrent. I am scared of what the future may hold for my children, what sort of society I will be unleashing them on as adults. I am scared of my Mom dieing and never really knowing how much she meant to me-even if I don't always agree with everything she did-how strong she was. I am scared of Defunct-dad not knowing how much he truely hurt me-spending the rest of his exsistance thinking it was okay to leave my life for years at a time-but I fear telling him this as well. I fear my children will treat me when they are in their teens the way I treated Mom. I am scared that I am not immortal.
The future me maybe will not be scared, will have better ways of dealing, will be more elloquent in conversations, will be more educated, will be braver, stronger, nicer, more fair, more stable.

The future me will be what I make her. Just like the present me is what my past made me.
I cannot change the past
I cannot predict the future
I can only deal with the present
I am only me

nothing to do with Defunct-dad

All my boys are sick =( Littleman just got over ear infections, bigguy just got diagnosede with ear infections and hubby's at the Dr right now(sinus issues and possible-yep, you guessed right-ear infection) This sucks. I've come to the conclusion that when you become a mom you dodn't get sick, your body realizes you don't have the time. This frightens me however. Mom-who never got sick when we were little-or if she did it was on;y on the weekends when Spacey or myself were gone or were old enough to take care of her-is really ill right now. She has The Flu!! Mom doesn't even sound like herself on the phone. She and I discussed the mommy immune system and she agrees with me, but does that mean if we were all younger she wouldn't be as ill?? I sometimes feel like shit-but the only time I have been really sick sinced Bigguy has been born was when I was pregnant with Littleman and got the flu-and we were in a possition then where I had plenty of day to day help-Hubby, bro-in-law and the rest of the in-laws all at my fingertips and really mad if I violated dr's orders. Oh well-not getting sick is a deffinate good thing!

longwinded

I have been reading thru my old posts, andan, am I long winded! I think it's because this is one of the only places I can really vent.
Dealing with the Defunct dad and Evil step-mom recently stressed me out so much, I was physically ill. I know that it's nnot right. I should just tell DD and ESM that I'm not going to do this any more, but I can't. I know ESM only has a few years left because of her health-and if I cut thungs off with them-I cut them offfor me brothers and sons. I don't think that is fair. It's not fair how they just up and quit talking to me one day either. I don't know what to do and Hubby's not much help-he doesn't like them. What drives a parent to disavow their child??

Guilt

There's been a lot of talk on the airwaves recently about "Maternal Guilt". Basically what this says is that no matter what you decide to do as a mother, work, stay home, go to school, work part-time, put your kids in daycare etc etc etc...you are going to feel guilty. This sucks when you think about it, there es no way to win. I often have guilt- do I do enough around the house? Do my kids get enough individual attention? Do they get to much attention? These arwe NORMAL feelings. Sometimes I feel bad about my 10 minute shower feeling so good and wishing I took ten more minutes, then I feel bad about that. Every weekend I have guilt because Hey-I don't get days off work, hubby, you do, so take the kids for a while when you are supposed to be unwinding. I feel bad that I don't contribute financially-so things are pretty tight sometimes. HOWEVER, I realize that if I were working I would still have most of these problems, even less time to ddeal with them in, and any money I made would be paying for daycare, so someone else could raise my kids for me.
I think this whole concept is rediculous! Fathers have plenty of guilt but you don't get books and radio shows adressing that. Hubby works an average of 45 hours a week-oftentimes more, he only spends time with the boys when he gets home from work and all parties involved are tired and cranky, and on the weekends-his supposed days off, when he has housework he does plus any time we visit people come out of his weekend time. If the boys are sick and he wants to help out, we lose money or use PTO and lose vacation time. If he wants time to himself to unwind HE feels guilt because when do I get time to my self. Fathers have just as much guilt as mothers.
Here's the real deal as I see it. Parents have guilt. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, it's constant trial and error. You will never truly know how good a job you did raising your kids. No one ever has enough time to do what they want and need-children involved or not. All that making one parent or the other feel gender specific guilt will do is...Make them feel even more guilty and give them an out for feeling such. When I feel guilt I look at why and figure it out. If I'm in the shower it's necesary me time. I need to be clean and take 10 minutes to collect myself-yes-I could be doing other things, but they can wait. No I don't get a day off, but I get to witness every imprtant thing in my boys lives. Yes, hubby works hard to provide for us. At the end of the day, we are a well provided for family, not everything that we want, but everything that we need. Including strong rolemodels, the knowledge that our family loves each other, and the knowledge that my sons will understand sacrifice as they grow older. Sacrifice for ones family, hardly a sacrifice at all.

Chaos, total chaos...

Enough said